I feel embarrassed about this. So why not post it here for the entire Internet to see?
When my husband started medical school, we moved to a city where we knew literally two people. We’d gone to college with this couple, and we shared a couple of dinners together during the four years we lived there. But we were never close.
I worked at home. And met nobody.
My husband made lots of friends at medical school. And, lucky for me, a few of them became my friends as well.
But… I didn’t really have any girlfriends. No one I could go shopping with. No one I could go grab a margarita with on a random Thursday night. No one I could go to the gym with.
Because I am really, really shy, I balked at all of the activities that would put me in proximity with others – spinning classes, book clubs, volunteer societies. (Actually, I did try to join one volunteer society… but the woman I spoke to, the person who was responsible for letting you into the group, latched onto some of my job skills and sort of volunteered me to do some work-related stuff for the organization, which was not cool. I didn’t want to work 60 hours a week at my job and then do more of the same type of work for this organization.)
Then a year or so passed… and the lonelier I got, the less I felt like it was reasonable for me to try out those activities. I felt ridiculous for being an actual resident of this city – no longer a newcomer – and not knowing anyone.
Before I knew it, four years had passed. The only friends I had were really my husband’s.
When we found out where my husband had matched, I was really excited. It was a chance for a fresh start! New possibilities! Even better, but my husband grew up here. A bunch of his childhood friends still live here. So I was delighted. We had a built-in network! Built-in friends!
I promised myself that I would put myself out there. That I would invite his friends over all the time, that we’d host dinner parties, that I would make a nuisance of myself to his female friends – ask them to introduce me to people, ask them to go out for drinks, and take every possible chance to meet new friends.
We tried, Internet. I hassled my husband into inviting his friends over multiple times. But nothing worked. His friends were always doing something (even if we invited them WEEKS in advance). And when they were free, Husband was on call. Seven months later, and we haven’t seen them AT ALL. So my big plans to be friends with Husband’s friends… and get them to introduce me to their friends… have fallen into a big steaming heap of NOT A CHANCE.
So.
Call it what you will…
Desperate. Presumptuous. Pathetic.
I finally took matters into my own hands.
The wife of one of these friends – a girl who came to my wedding – made some little post on Facebook about how much fun she’d had at her book club meeting. So I stuffed my pride in the closet and sent her a message, asking if I could join in.
She was very gracious, Internet. She is really a sweet, sweet girl. I think we could be friends IF WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
And I didn’t force it on her… I tried to give her an out, asking if she’d let me know if there was “an opening” in her book group. (My husband pointed out that book clubs don’t really have a limit on membership, but I wanted her to be able to say, “Sure, I’ll let you know if a spot opens up” or “We’re full right now, but I’ll let you know” or whatever just in case she thought I was huge asshat for inviting myself.)
So she included me on an e-mail chain about the next book club meeting. And I am simultaneously excited to meet some new girls… and hideously embarrassed that they all think I am a big weirdo for forcing my way into their group. Seriously. Remember that weird girl in elementary school who would come up to you and your friends and say, “Hey, can I come to your slumber party?” even though you purposely did not invite her and would never invite her and then your mom said, “Of course you have to include her” so you let her tag along but secretly taunted her with the other cool girls behind her back?
I feel like that weird “invites herself along” girl.
But I’m going through with it. Because I refuse to spend another four years holed up in my apartment, longing for girlfriends. And I hope to win them all over with my sparkling personality and lots of wine.
(This is where you say, “Of course you don’t need lots of wine! They will love you! You are not an idiot! You are not pathetic! You are brave for putting yourself out there!”)
***
P.S. Thank you so much for your kind words the other day. My back/neck ache is almost entirely gone, thanks to a massage from Mr. Wonderful (aka, my husband) and several days of babying it. Also – my plant is not dead (yet). Did it like the Sprite? You will have to ask it yourself, because it is no longer talking to me.
I can relate to how you feel when it comes to more casual get-togethers, but when it comes to organized events, I figure it’s perfectly fine to invite myself along to something like that and figure, hey they HAVE to welcome me (ha!)!! The thing with groups like that especially is that new people are a joy to have around! You will bring a perspective to the book that NO ONE else will have, just because you are YOU. Each person brings something irreplaceable and precious – even if you say nothing, your presence alone is something to treasure. Good luck and don’t be afraid to share yourself, who you are and what you really think.. we who read your blog must see something pretty cool to keep coming back!! 🙂
I would be your friend. I’m just saying.
GOOD FOR YOU! I have much of the same feelings here. Before I met my husband I felt like I was a “girls girl.” I had lots of friends and was really active. But since we have moved to Dallas I just haven’t tried…partly because I know we are moving in a year and partly because I’m nervous. I was invited to a couple parties but I hate going to places where I know like one person there. Good for you for putting yourself out there, perhaps I should take a note from you and do the same.
I can relate because I moved to the town I live now because of my husband’s job. I have always been the type of girl that has a bunch of girlfriend’s, but it is hard when you don’t know a soul and it’s as easy at this age to meet people.
Good for you for putting yourself out there, it will be worth it. Have you tried meetup.com? I have meet some friends that way that like to do fun things like go out to eat, movies, etc…
I know how you feel. I don’t have any friends either. I am also very shy and I feel like it’s gotten even worse since we moved. But luckily I didn’t have to move for med school too. I hope you have fun at your book club!
I really needed this post. My girls are all over the country and I really need to force myself to make some more friends in my own city!
Okay.
First off, you’re going to surprise yourself when you go to this bookclub thing, because they aren’t thinking that.
Secondly, if they do – then they are just stupid, because you are fantastic.
When you move into a new city, it is hard. It is hard to break into those already formed groups, hard to break out of your own comfort zones. I totally understand that. I am proud of you for doing this!! Can’t wait to hear how it goes 🙂
Hi. First time I’m reading your blog. We have something in common. I, too, am a doctor’s wife and sometimes think “if people only knew…” I enjoyed the honesty of your post and hope to continue reading more. I’d love for you to check out my blog and let me know what you think.
I think its great! Meeting new people isn’t easy, and sometimes you have to put yourself out there! Good luck and let us know how it goes!
I’d be friends with you too. 😉
Things are different now, but when I went to college I had zero girlfriends, and it sucked. Of course, I’m sure it was a lot easier to meet people since, you know, it was college and everything–I imagine it would be just a million times harder if you don’t have that kind of network. The book club thing is a great idea! Good for you. I hope it goes well. 🙂
ohhh good luck! I feel your pain, I am nearly friendless myself…it’s so hard to find friends when you move around as you get older unless you can find activities to get involved in! I’m glad your neck and back are feeling better!
I’ve made two moves now where I ended up some place where I didn’t know anyone. When I moved to DC, I started by joining a ridiculous number of things – my alumni group, a knitting club (found on craigslist and only attended once), and then the kicker… I had two roommates – who had their own busy lives and long distance boyfriends they were always visiting on the weekends, and really had little interest in being friends with me (craigslist). They were both going out of town for the 4th of July, and I had no plans (I’d lived there less than a month and was still pretty much friend and boyfriendless). They were both invited to multiple parties, but were both going out of town. And so I did the unthinkable – I asked me roommate if I could go to the 4th of July party she was invited to but not attending?! Looking back – I was crazy?! But I was so loney, and so when she was talking about her friends upcoming large party, I boldly asked – “I know you can’t go, but I’d like to meet some people – do you think I could go.” She had a friend of hers meet me at our metro stop and take me. There were lots of laughs at the party when I introduced myself as “x’s roommate who wasn’t able to make it” – and I met 3 friends there that I was inseparable with for the next several years until I moved and had to start all over again. When I got to the next city, I invited myself to bookclubs, talked to everyone I met, and eventually I made some wonderful friends.
So my point – you are not weird – you are brave! Making friends as a married adult is hard – but good for you for putting your future happiness before your current fears. They will love you, and wine never hurts 🙂
Have you gone to the book club yet? I swear, we are so much alike. I’m from the South but stuck in a new city in New England, because my husband is doing his residency up here. I’m also stuck in the apartment and have no idea where to look for friends. I’m shy, too, so that certainly doesn’t help things. It was just so much easier to make friends in college or when I worked. I’ve been trying to think of all kinds of things to do which would expose me to people. I’d love to take a creative writing class or a photography class, but those would be too expensive right now. As I’ve been stuck in this apartment for the good portion of the year since we moved here last summer, I’ve watched a lot of movies, eaten too much food, and haven’t exercised enough. So I’m thinking about joining Weight Watchers or going to Jazzercise. I’m just so nervous about it for some reason. But I figure if you have the courage to go to a book club and are shy like I am, then maybe I could make it through a WW meeting. What do we have to lose, anyway? We are awesome! If you’ve gone to the book club, I hope you had fun and met some nice people. 🙂