It feels like there are a bunch of things BUGGING me this morning, and maybe the best way to situate them in my mind is to write them out. Then I can DEAL WITH them, rather than having them clamber around in my brain. Plus, you are very often so sensible and helpful with suggestions. Not that I am asking you to SOLVE anything for me – I know you have your own stuff. Which I would love to hear about, by the way. I am happy to offer a gentle arm squeeze and a sympathetic head nod, if that’s what you need.
(And perhaps it goes without saying, but I do realize that I am DEEPLY LUCKY to be able to complain about this kind of non-life-threatening type of stuff. I do.)
MORNINGS
I am writing this in the morning, so this is top of mind. But mornings are AWFUL. AWFUL. I wake Carla up at 7:00. She needs to be in the car by 7:50. We are almost never in the car by 7:50. I spend the entire hour wheedling and prompting and checking-in and badgering and growing more and more frustrated and furious until I inevitably yell at her. And then I feel like a shitty mother and a shitty human being, and I cry as I drive home, and the rest of the day is soured.
It feels like we have tried EVERYTHING! Everything! We try to get her to sleep at a reasonable time (of course, that doesn’t always work, but we TRY). She is in bed by 7:30, and story time ends at 8:00. So presumably she is getting enough sleep. We pick out her clothes the night before, and then I put them on top of her when I wake her up, so she doesn’t even need to get out of bed to put them on. We have gone through periods when she chooses what she wants for breakfast the night before, too (although that didn’t help at all). We make sure she has everything she needs for school right there at the door, ready to go the night before. I have encouraged her to talk her way through each task (“I’m getting dressed, I’m getting dressed.” “I’m brushing my teeth, I’m brushing my teeth.”) to keep her focused. I have tried waking her up EARLIER. I have tried waking her up LATER. I have tried task lists, that she has to cross off (get dressed, make bed, brush teeth). I have tried offering prizes for getting out the door on time. I have tried consequences (loss of screen time) for getting out the door late. I have tried sitting in my car by myself, fuming, until she gets in. I have tried yelling. I have tried time out. NOTHING WORKS. This morning, she had the special treat of going to school with her father. She still took twenty minutes to put on her clothing. It SHOULD NOT TAKE TWENTY MINUTES. I hate it so, so much. Yes, I know that I rarely have anywhere to be, but I do have a schedule I like to follow. And starting my day fifteen minutes later than I want to – and being MAD – is not a good way to start the day! Starting the day by yelling at my child is not a good way to start the day! Feeling like my time has no value to anyone but me is not a good way to start the day!
There is no consequence for her being late to school, which is a big part of the problem. Her school is doing staggered drop offs because of Covid, and they just aren’t counting people tardy. I WISH THEY WOULD. Although… I don’t really know what the penalty is, for being tardy?
I hate being late! I am a Be There Five Minutes Early person! Mornings are driving me insane!
P.S. My husband is not helpful, in any way. He is either long gone before she wakes up, or he is sleeping in and then worrying about get his own body out the door.
Anyway. Mornings are the WORST. I am going to lose my mind. My mind will leave promptly at 7:50 and be on time and never return, and the rest of me will still be here, urging Carla to PUT ON HER SOCKS FOR THE LOVE.
CANCELLATIONS
I don’t know if it’s Covid or the snowy weather (although we live in a part of the world where winter happens ANNUALLY, so you’d think people would get the idea by now), but so many people are cancelling their appointments with my husband. HOW is he supposed to make a living if he doesn’t see patients??? And I don’t see any way to fix this problem – not that I have any control over it as it is. It’s intermittent, so you can’t really predict when it’s going to happen. And he already overbooks his schedule to try to find a happy medium. But if you overbook too much, and everyone shows up, then you have a bunch of annoyed patients and a stressed-out, overworked doctor. There is literally nothing I can do about this, and yet I it is making me anxious and fretful.
FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY
My parents are celebrating their fiftieth anniversary this summer. What a wonderful, momentous milestone! We are traveling to visit them, to celebrate together. I would love to Do Something as a tribute, but I have no idea what. NO IDEA. My only thought is to somehow order a cake, similar to what they had at their wedding? But the celebration takes place in a very remote part of the world. I suppose I could call the place we’ll be staying, and see if they have any ideas… but I hate phone calls. I made a photo book for my mom’s 70th birthday, so I could try to put something like that together – with well-wishes from friends and family. But a) I just did that, so it feels like asking the same friends/family for more well-wishes will be annoying to them and b) I don’t know if “well-wishes” is worthy of a whole book? I am willing to spend a significant amount of time/money on doing something special, but I don’t know what to do.
WRITING CLASS
One of my aspirations for 2022 was to sign up for a writing class, and lo, I did so. It begins in mid-February and I am FREAKING OUT. I am going to have to (virtually) meet new people and complete assignments and Do Things and the whole thing is making my stomach churn. That is all.
FRIENDS FRETS
I haven’t talked to my best friend from back home in… a long time. While I certainly haven’t been able to find time to call her (we inevitably talk for a full hour or more, so it requires planning and coordination with my husband), neither has she made any effort to get in touch with me. Which makes me feel (UNFAIRLY, I know) that she doesn’t really care about our friendship.
Another very dear friend is going through A Hard Time, and I am really worried about her. But I don’t know what to DO about it. This is the problem with friends that live thousands of miles away. I can’t just pop over to see her. I don’t know any of her friends or colleagues. I don’t even know her favorite restaurants/bakeries in order to send her a gift certificate or fun surprise. Honestly, I don’t even know what she likes well enough to choose something for her. Does she like candles? Will she eat chocolate or nuts? Does she have a bathtub, and, if so, would she appreciate some bath products? I want to make her life a little better/more bearable if I can, and I don’t know how.
Perhaps it seems strange that she is literally one of my closest friends in the universe and yet I don’t know very basic things about her… but we only lived in the same place for two years nearly 20 years ago and have only seen each other in person twice since then. We connect on Big Picture/Inner Life things, not everyday mundanities. You probably know more about me than she does!
NEW FRET
Great. Now I am fretting that I am “doing” friendship wrong.
UNFINISHED PROJECTS
My husband and I got such a good start to the year! We set up Carla’s craft area in the basement, which necessitated cleaning the entire basement and purging a huge amount of stuff. And then… we just left it, halfway done. We have paint cans that we need to fill with paint thickener, so we can then get rid of them. We need to get a carpet to go under Carla’s craft table, so that she can do things like paint down there. We need to figure out a storage solution for all her craft supplies, so that they can be tidied away rather than left all over the table. I need to go through bins of old baby items so we can get them out of the middle of the basement. I need to winnow six years of Carla’s Special Art Projects that we’ve saved. (These last two are really only jobs for me, because I CARE, and my husband cares less.)
We bought the supplies needed to fix our coat closet door, but have done nothing with them.
We still haven’t done anything about the gallery wall.
There are still piles of Carla’s old picture books (that we culled from her shelves LAST YEAR) on the floor of my bedroom, waiting for us to find a place to store them until we can foist them off on Carla and her potential future children.
The books we culled from our collection are STILL IN MY OFFICE.
WHY can’t we finish anything? WHAT is wrong with us? HOW am I the only one who cares enough to fret about this and remind us to do anything about it and push and prod and nag about it? This. This is what is going to finally drive me over the edge.
Except probably not, because I’ll get halfway to the edge and then never complete the act of going over it.
HURT FEELINGS
This is dumb to refer to, because I cannot be specific. But my feelings are hurt, to the point that I spend a lot of time crying, and it’s a situation where I cannot share that with the person who is hurting them. You just have to trust me. It wouldn’t help at all. In fact, it would make things worse, because this person would then feel guilty/awful and probably still be unable to make me feel better… only now we would both be aware of that failure, instead of just me. What needs to happen is I need to Get Over It, even if that seems impossible. But I am still feeling very bruised and sad about the whole thing.
PHONE CALL
There is always a phone call to make, isn’t there? This time, I have two looming over me. Plus three zoom meetings this week that I am not looking forward to. Ugh ugh ugh.
Well. Happy Monday to you, friend. I hope that YOUR week is off to a better, less fraught beginning!
I’m going to pick the ‘can actively do something about this’ category – for your parents’ anniversary, what about giving them something from the year they were married (1972, I assume)? There are companies that will source, for example, bottles of fine wine/port/champagne from a specified year. Add in a facsimile of the top tier of their wedding cake (likely to be firmly in the years of the three- or four-tiered, royal icing extravaganzas) and you’re probably there. I’d bet that the last thing that they probably want is something to go on a shelf forever?…
THIS IS VERY HELPFUL. Thank you! I will look into that now!
The fact that you’re fretting about the friendship demonstrates that you’re a good friend.
Friendship is difficult, which is why I only have two close friends. I’ve lost a lot along the way, and it used to bother me until I discovered my personality type, at which point it made sense. Friends are a lot of work. 🙂
There are two quotes in my kitchen that I literally have to look at every day to help me, and I thought I’d share them with you. “Don’t take anything personally” and “Don’t believe everything you think.”
I hate phone calls. HATE them. I put them off as much as I can. I’m supposed to make one today, and I’ve already postponed it until tomorrow!
I’m sending you hugs for a better rest of your week.
“Don’t believe everything you think” — oh, wow, that is really hitting me as a necessary reminder today!
Good luck with your phone call! May it be MUCH easier than you anticipate!
OK, as a mom of seven kids, we have some who are great at waking up and getting themselves ready and waiting for us at the door with their shoes and backpacks on…and then we have the Carla types. Our 7 year old boy is just like your daughter and can.not.get.moving in the morning even though he gets enough sleep as well, he’s just a slow mover. We literally get him dressed while he flops around on the couch and he eats breakfast at school (or in car). He never wants to eat right away, but then he’s STARVING later. Setting a timer helps him do things faster, like get on his shoes and stuff, “let’s see if you can do it in less than 2 minutes!” and having teenagers helps me realize that all of this stuff is a phase and I won’t be dressing him when he’s 16 🙂
LOL – okay, good. It is SO HARD when in it to remember it won’t be like this forever! We haven’t tried the timer/game aspect for awhile (I am not particularly enthusiastic/creative in the morning), but that does work occasionally so I will have to put it into action again this week.
This may or may not be helpful, but– I aim for 20 min before the doors open and consider my drop-dead arrival time to be no later than 15-to-doors. The drop-off situation after 10-to-doors is such a mess, so I’m motivated by my own sanity. What keeps my daughter motivated is knowing the things she gets to do with that early arrival–mostly reading new-to-her books and sometimes playing games. Things she ONLY gets to read/play in the car while waiting before school begins.
Is there something Carla would pick that would be enjoyable enough to her that would motivate her to move faster? I think the immediacy and if-then logic of the reward help with my kid. Could be similar for Carla?
Everything sucks right now and everything is worse because of the pandemic. You are spending much more energy than you realize simply on staying alive and making decisions. That makes everything else so much harder to do and to finish and to think about. All these frets are 100% valid and also they are currently so much worse than they would otherwise be.
❤️
If it helps==>getting my stepsons out the door in the morning is like herding turtles. It’s only a problem 5 days a week for 9 months out of the year for every year of their lives since kindergarten. I mean when we were kids we got up at 4:00AM so that we could walk to school uphill in both directions without any adult intervention or am I remembering it wrong? It sure helped me to hear that we’re not the only ones!
I’ve often thought about “doing something” to improve my writing and have put zero effort into it from there so you are light years ahead of me! I’ll be interested to hear about the class.
“It’s only a problem 5 days a week for 9 months out of the year for every year of their lives since kindergarten.” I am laughing and crying at the same time because this is so true and horrible and apparently just a FACT of life?!?!
Mornings are so hard. It’s so dark and cold – do you find mornings are easier in other times of the year? I used to have a lot of issues with mornings until I got a dog and a SAD lamp. The SAD lamp helps me get started in mornings, but it comes at the cost that I have to get up half an hour earlier. I have found it
invaluable in the darkest parts of winter. The dog thing is obviously not going to happen for you, but the thing with the dog is that as soon as I get out of bed, I have to pull on all my outdoor things (over my pajamas) and take her out for a walk FIRST THING. I’m outside before I’ve so much as had a sip of tea. And I think that the five minutes I spend taking her around the block is as helpful at waking me up as anything else. Have you considered a quick five minutes outside in the morning? I think if I’d started this habit before we got the dog, my morning productivity might have been better.
Or maybe Carla’s just not a morning person and this is how things are. I’m so sorry it’s stressful and I’ll send you both “wake up quickly” thoughts.
Oh gosh. Mornings are so hard, aren’t they? I was hoping they would get easier but I think your daughter is 8 so it doesn’t seem like I can bank on that? Our kids are 1 and almost 4 (let’s call him 4yo for simplicity). The 4yo is sooo difficult to get out of the house. We need to leave around 7am. He gets up by 6:20 at the latest, sometimes earlier, but wow it is difficult to get him moving, especially in the winter when you have to put on coats, hats, books, etc. It is EXHAUSTING. So I have no advice.
But I have some suggestions for other problems. Re: the friend going through a hard time. If she likes coffee, perhaps a starbucks gift card? Or a giftcard to a meal delivery service like GrubHub, etc? When we had our son last year, the best gifts were the gifts for grubhub and the like because not having to make a meal is the best gift – at least for me!
For the 50th anniversary: my parents celebrated theirs in 2019. They do not like pomp and circumstance at all, so had what we called “a card party.” We asked friends and family to send them a card around their anniversary. We did this by asking their siblings to spread the word among family and also posted on facebook, but hid the post from my mom. They ended up getting something like 100+ cards and they LOVED it so much. So you could consider that?
Regarding the friend who isn’t initiating contact with you. That is really hard and something I’ve been thinking about as I plan to focus on “connection” in 2022. But I know that I am the person who isn’t putting time into some relationships… But I am the one reaching out in many relationships and I think that is because others get to a point where they know you are going to reach out so they don’t have to. But that doesn’t feel good! But it’s hard to broach this topic without hurting feelings, especially when you aren’t in person…
I think this may very well be a wrong and unhelpful solution. But I will tell you what I think I WOULD do, if it were me (I haaaaate being late, I haaaaaaate when I have tried literally every idea to make a child do something and they still won’t do it): I think I would do it for her. I know! That is almost certainly wrong. But on the other hand, I would think she probably would not still be having me dress her when she was 16, and in the meantime my sanity would be at risk. So for now I would sit her up in bed and I would pull her legs over the side and I would dress her. And then I would hold her hand to the bathroom and put the toothbrush into her hand and put my hand over hers to brush her teeth. And then I would hold her hand down the stairs and put her in her chair at the table. When I tell you I would spoon-feed her if necessary I am not even kidding. And I would hope I was not ruining her entire life by doing it for her, and I would hope that what I was doing instead was showing her how it ought to be done: briskly, and one thing after another. And I hope it is obvious that I am imagining doing this whole thing gently and kindly, as I would with a baby who really needed me to do these things for them, and not brusquely and impatiently. I don’t know. It’s all impossible. But I am remembering all the Wrong Parenting I did out of desperation at earlier stages (sitting for an hour or two every night in Baby Elizabeth’s room, because nothing else worked to get her to sleep; keeping one kid in diapers long past the recommended potty-training time because it was too much of a struggle) and how I was not punished, and I no longer have to sit in Elizabeth’s room and the kid is long-since fully potty-trained.
I am trying to remember what we did for my parents’ 50th. It was right before the pandemic, so it has been wiped out of memory storage, apparently. We started by asking them what they wanted to do / what parts were important to them, which is a style of family discussion we started at my first wedding, when we were like “Wait, we don’t even WANT a lot of these traditional things; what if we just spent money on what we actually wanted?” What I am trying to say is that they are used to this kind of discussion, so it wasn’t a futile awkward thing where they didn’t want to ask/say, and I don’t know if that would work with your parents or not, because I know a lot of parents would instead like the children to come up with something and NOT ask them. (They DID start with “Oh, we don’t want anything,” but I was like “If we do nothing, your friends will think we are TERRIBLE CHILDREN, and when you say it’s that you didn’t want anything, THEY WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU and will think you are covering for your TERRIBLE CHILDREN.”) I had planned to do a bunch of party-store gold decorations and 5-0 balloons and so forth, but my mom was like “Well, for starters, NO gold decorations and so forth.” So. Fine. They wanted things that hit different now, in a pandemic: they wanted a big group movie-theater outing, and a dinner out with just the kids/spouses while the grandkids stayed home and ordered pizza (eldest grandkids old enough to babysit). They wanted a bunch of family photos (just them; them with kids/spouses and all the grandkids; them with just their kids; them with all the grandkids), but they didn’t want a photographer, they wanted to set up a tripod/timer in the back yard. There was talk about having the families dress in different colors, or everyone dressing in denim/white, but that didn’t end up happening and I don’t remember why. They’d gotten their own parents Fancy Glassware (Steuben vase, Waterford glasses) as 50th anniversary gifts, but they did NOT want such things for themselves, and now I can’t remember what we DID get them. A lot of chocolate from their favorite chocolate place is all I can remember right now, but I know there were more things. I bought a TON of yellow tulips (like, three vases’ worth) from the grocery store, and I slapdash decorated a cake in their wedding colors (yellow and white, with daisies). Oh! I remember another present! I consulted with them about this: they had a custom stained-glass piece from a local artist, and I asked if they’d want a companion piece, and they did. But they wanted to do all the consulting with the artist, so they ended up handling the whole thing and I just wrote a check, which was great.
If I am hurting your feelings, I want to know because I would want to STOP DOING IT. But I know you are right that there are situations where that would not apply and/or would not help and/or etc.
I am like… ASTONISHED by the idea of family photos. I think they might like that a lot, if I can make it happen.
I forgot that that was part of what we gave my parents, too. I’m 1 of 5, so having all 5 kids and grandkids together in one place never happens, so we knew we needed to get photos taken. They didn’t want a party, so we rented a huge home at a resort in MN. In January, but in hindsight it’s good we didn’t wait for nicer weather to gather since covid hit 2 months later! We had a photographer come to the resort. At that point, there were 20 people in our family including all the grandkids and spouses!
I hate mornings. We do them and we do get out of the door on time, but I dread it basically every day (we get up at 7 and have to be out the door at 7:50 too!). I am NOT a morning person. And 50 minutes in the morning is like 3 hours of normal time during a day. There is just so much to cram into that small space when everyone is tired and it’s dark and cold. I have no advice… (and since I am the suggestor of the “very dry” banana muffins, I’m already coming from behind in Carla’s books).
It is also my parents 50th wedding anniversary this year and I have no idea what to do. For their 25th my older siblings organized a very fun and very large celebration. That just doesn’t feel doable with a giant pandemic and my parents small retirement home. I have zero ideas. They do love things like photobooks and such, but I already do that type of thing. They also are very low-key and I know if I got them a card from the local corner store, they would be fine with it. But being married for 50 years! I’ve gotta do better than that. Conveniently I had forgotten about this giant, looming daughter to-do (the rest of my siblings will definitely want me to handle the party this time around)…but I do need to start thinking about it again.
Sorry about all the relational challenges. Those sorts of situations stress me out more than anything. I thought I had offended two work colleagues before Christmas and it was literally making me sick to my stomach (turns I was over-thinking it both times), but I have an ongoing situation with someone who 100% does NOT like me (we were never “friends” and have only been forced into the same sphere very recently) and our kids want to play together and it’s horrible and stressful and I have to face the situation 5 days/week via school and it is awful. I actually find creative ways to avoid the situation as often as possible, but it’s crazy the toll it has taken on my mental health. So I get it.
Unfortunately, again, no solutions. I’m kinda striking out at that today.
Ugh ugh ugh that school friend situation is SO HARD. So hard. And there are only so many ways you can say no to your child! And part of life is getting along with people you don’t get along with! (Which is STUPID and I hate it.) But it would make me so uncomfortable and anxious ALL the time. I’m sorry. I will say that it has helped, a bit, for Carla to be older: now I am more comfortable having friends over without their parents, so I can avoid Parental Mismatch Syndrome. But that doesn’t help you NOW!
I would say let her be late. Let natural consequences fall. Apparently this is not important enough yet to your daughter. Perhaps being late to school a few times (and missing out on the first part of the day) would make an impact. Or if she has to go to school without eating breakfast or without shoes on (she can put them on in the car) so be it. Stop being nice or pleading with her. If you want to leave by 7:50 am – that’s the deadline.
I have one daughter who – if you try to rush her – gets slower. And it has been that way from her young self to her now teenager yrs. I stopped waking her up because she was so crabby. Waking her up just made the rest of us miserable. I cannot figure out why it takes her so long to get dressed in the morning – a sweatshirt and jeans does not comprise a complicated outfit. So if she has to go to school without breakfast or without her ID because she got up late – she has to deal with it.
Not that it makes it any easier on you (I like being early to everything too). However, you need to reframe this as her issue and not yours.
So many relatable frets! So! Many!
Our mornings were The Worst for the longest time. I have felt those hardest days, when we had both yelled and/or cried, and I drove myself to work in tears after FINALLY dropping off, knowing for sure I was a bad mother and I’d ruined the kid/s in question. Spoiler alert, I hadn’t. Emotions magnify everything. I like Swistle’s advice – might be worth a try. I think it would be fun/funny and I’m curious about how Carla would react. The only other thing I can think of is just go ahead and be late. It’s hard for your own psyche, but maybe the first time, just pretend you don’t even care. When she gets to school at 10 am and her favorite part of the day (maybe) has already passed, maybe it’ll be a light bulb moment? I don’t know. I totally feel you on the hopelessness of this fret. But it does resolve in time, I promise.
For my parents’ 50th it was full-on pandemic (2021). We did a nice invitation to a fancy dinner (family only), dated “sometime in the future.” And we still haven’t managed to do it yet. 🙁 I feel guilt about it every day. When will we do it? I don’t really know. We also did a Zoom party, and that was lots of fun with Q&As about Mom and Dad’s history. And we bought them some expensive champagne, and framed some photos nicely for them (which I just delivered to them THIS year, right before their 51st. Guilt.). My cousins had one of those yard signs installed, which was fun and celebratory.
This is just a placeholder comment until I have time to sit down and really comment: I see you, you are a really great mom and friend. I know this because you have been a good friend to me, reaching out with kind words and thoughtfulness. More later! I have more to say but must run now. xoxoxo
I also HATE being late and have a similarly dawdling daughter in first grade. I finally decided that what I could control was the yelling. I sat down with her and made sure she understood what she needed to do in the morning. I facilitate breakfast but she is responsible for getting dressed. Then at 7:30 I remind her- “coat, mask, backpack “ and I go out to the car and take deep breaths. Sometimes she is too dawdly to get breakfast before then, and then she can eat dry cereal in the car (she is not much of a breakfast person anyway). She is occasionally late, but it’s her responsibility not mine, and I don’t need to yell and have all the bad feelings associated with that. Also, I work hard not to transfer all of my perfectionist neuroses to her, so if the cost is being late occasionally I have decided to accept it.
I remember when I was in high school and the school went to a “no consequence for her being late to school” system. It was chaotic, no one felt obliged to show up until they felt like it. And the teachers started repeating themselves trying to make sure that all the kids heard the lessons. I survived, but I didn’t like it. Not that I didn’t enjoy the freedom, but it made everything harder.
As for friends, I keep in touch with a few women but overall, thanks to the pandemic, I have fewer friends now than I did 2 years ago. It’s weird how you know you want to say something, but you also know that if you’re too honest with some people it’ll end up a messy old thing in the relationship– and it’ll never be the same.
I also HATE phone calls. THE WORST. Why should I have to speak to anyone these days when literally everything could be done online? But, I recently discovered something that made it a tad bit easier. I can make calls through my computer. This makes it seem like another boring work meeting and somehow it’s not that bad.
I recently tried to make a doctor’s appointment and I was informed the next available appointment was in October, and then when I went with my non-preferred doctor, I still have to wait until May. So I don’t know who these people are who keep cancelling but tell them to come over here!
It’s the same here – my husband is booked out for months. Which makes it all the more infuriating that people just don’t show up!
I recently sent a “care package” directly via target order to a friend of mine, and I picked out things that I thought I would like to receive, since I wasn’t sure what she would like to receive. Things like microwave mug cake mix, and fancy hot chocolate, and pink string lights. I have also just discovered the small luxury of shower steamers: scented pods that gradually release their scent as the hot water drops on them. Presumably your friend either takes baths or showers? Sometimes, at least?
Oh! And my friends that live far away and have drastically different schedules than I do, we communicate by WhatsApp voice messages. When we find the opportunity to be alone for a few minutes, we record a message as if we were talking to each other on the phone. The friend can listen to the message at their convenience, then respond. It is fun to listen on a jog or an errand or with headphones while hiding in the bathroom, and it is easier than typing out a whole email to stay in touch. And it’s free!
Long distance friendships can be hard. Very hard. Basically all of my closest friends live thousands of miles away. It’s hard – with different time zones on top – to find times to connect by phone. One of my best friends has been battling brain cancer for a few years now and I feel like the friendship gets harder and harder to maintain – a) because she’s not as responsive as she used to be, although I am trying to check in regularly and b) I feel like the friendship has become very lopsided. It’s difficult, so I get where you’re coming from with your two friends and just want to remind you: as long as you both don’t start making the other feel guilty for not reaching out, you’ll always pick up where you left off when you get in touch again. Sometimes it takes a few attempts, but I am sure it’ll feel like you talked yesterday. Re: the other friend, I think any kind of gesture (a giftcard for coffee) would be nice to let her know you’re thinking of her, even if you can’t be there for her through the hard time.
Ugh. I hate mornings and I don’t even have to get a child out the door any more. Have you tried waking Carla with some juice to drink to get raise her blood sugar? It’s kind of the kid version of caffeine. I found that turning the kids’ lights on a few minutes before they needed to wake up helped. It brought them out of deep sleep and made it easier to awaken them.
And I don’t know what kinds of clothes Carla wears to school but if they’re soft, like leggings and sweatshirt, I’d put her to bed in her clothes.
Sending you a gentle hug. All of your frets are valid.
It’s frustrating that the school is not instituting a penalty for being tardy. Maybe a private word with her teacher about some kind of consequence? Silent lunch, missing recess, etc. Probably not likely to happen…but it would be an option I would explore. Consequences usually gives results.
Or maybe just state “We leave the house at 7:50, no matter what.” (I assume she can tell time?). And if her socks aren’t on, she will have to put them on in the car. Same with breakfast, etc. You have set up all the necessary parameters – choosing clothes the night before, etc. for her. Now it’s time for her to hold up her end of the bargain.
For the 50th anniversary, my first thought was Storyworth.com (not an ad!) – where they are given prompts to tell their love story (how they met, their wedding, having children, etc.). My second thought, I remember you mentioned the liked to travel. Perhaps a trip?
You, my friend, are a GREAT friend – and the fact that you are fretting over your friends proves my point. The first one, I think, will resolve itself – right now is a VERY trying time for everyone – especially for people with small children. When the two of you do re-connect; I think you will pick up right where you left off.
As for the friend going through a hard time – the best thing you can do is listen. And let them know you are thinking of them (send a card, chocolate – everyone loves chocolate – anything really. Whether it is something they would have chosen for themselves is moot. The point is they will be touched that you are thinking of them).
Procrastination, ah my old friend! This is something most of us struggle with. And when you have a whole list of things that you want to get done it gets overwhelming. I would suggest that you look at the list; decide which one matters the most to you RIGHT NOW. And then tackle that one thing. Next month, do it again (making a mental note that I should probably heed my own advice!).
I hear you on the phone calls – I HATE it. I need to make a doctor’s appointment. And it will be a tele-health call, if I have my way, and I’ve been putting it off despite the fact I need my prescriptions (not something life saving, but still) refilled. I wonder if there is some kind of service that will make phone calls for you?
Sending you another gentle hug and reminder to be more kind to yourself.
Look, January sucks. It just does. And it’s then followed by February and March which aren’t much better. I know that doesn’t sound encouraging but you just have to give yourself grace in the knowledge that motivation will come back when it isn’t such a sucky month. A few small things that might help:
*Here in California paint stores will take old paint and you don’t have to thicken it or anything. Free drop off. Maybe check that in your state? One little chore off the list.
*For the anniversary, you can order a book of hard copies of the nearest major newspaper front pages from the year they were married. Uncommon Goods I think does it. Maybe that would be a fun restrospective for them? I have also done Cameos for milestone occasions….basically you pay a famous person to record a personalized message. We did one for my wrestling obsessed son when he turned 13 (by a pro wrestler) and it was amazing.
* For the struggling friend, just send something. Anything that lets her know you care. No one normal has ever received a gift and been pissed it wasn’t from their favorite retailer or whatever. There are some great services out there for “thinking of you” gift boxes.
*One day soon it won’t be January anymore (ha, tomorrow) and that in itself will be an improvement.
P.S. I was one person who recommended Sex Education and as the Brits say, I’m “chuffed” you’re enjoying it.
Okay, I finally have time to comment properly. Yesterday was a DAY.
First, mornings. I have absolutely no advice because it sounds like you have tried everything to no avail, other than overthrowing the school system and forcing them to Have Consequences For Lateness, and that’s probably not practical. CAN WE OVERTHROW THE SYSTEM? No. So, I have no advice but lots of sympathy because starting off the day feeling harried and rushed and late and unvalued is not pleasant in the least.
Second, cancellations. I have thought about this a lot in the last couple of years, that it must be very hard for medical professionals who aren’t dealing with Covid specifically, because there is staff to pay and overhead expenses, and what happens when things shut down? In other words, I am going to call my own doctor today because the boys are due for a checkup.
It is also my parents’ 50th this year! And I also have no ideas what to do. For their 25th I organized a big surprise party, for their 45th I organized family photos with all the grandchildren. Neither of those things are possible now (the photos would be nice but my younger brother is going through a really gross divorce, rendering the 45th anniversary photos that contain the ex in it kind of useless, and because of the divorce he’s in another province and his ex won’t let their child near the other cousins, it’s a whole thing). So, I have no idea what to do.
Like I said, I KNOW you’re a good friend, and it’s so hard when a friend is going through something and you can’t physically be there.
I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I get that – that bringing it up would make it worse. I’ve been there for sure.
Gentle hugs to you. xo
I am not a morning person, so I am lucky Beth took responsibility for getting the harder-to-get-out-the-door kid out the door (that would be the boy child in our case–he has ADHD). I oversaw North getting out the door in elementary school and it wasn’t hard at all. By middle school they didn’t need any oversight. Now that they have to catch a very early high school bus, they do occasionally miss it and then it falls on Beth to drive them. All this is to say I have no suggestions. When Beth used to travel for work and I was trying to get Noah out the door, it was a challenge.
Good luck with the writing class! Let us know how it goes.
Lord in heaven but being a human and especially a parent is very very hard these days. Hugs and a reminder that 10 years from now this will all be just a dim memory.
…., about those mornings. I wonder what would happen is you simply stepped back from Carla’s mornings? (Which is also the old mother part of me remembering how much kids like winding their parents up) And the arrangement becomes you will wake her up at 7 and at 7:50 you will take her out to the car (carrying her if necessary). Warn her a day in advance and the morning of and explain that since she is 8, it is her issue honestly and not yours. And explain that when you pick her up, if it comes to that, you will also carry anything she has BUT you will not go and gather things for her. And you will drop her at school and she will go in as she is for the day, (I would also have a brief chat with her teacher warning him/her that Carla may arrive a little underprepared for a few days)
Ugh, your mornings seem so stressful! I remember how hard it was to just get MYSELF out the door every morning when I worked in an office, so I can only imagine how frustrating it is to try to get Carla out the door when she’s lagging in the morning. I have no advice, just sympathy.
I am so proud of you for signing up for a writing class! You got this, lady! You wrote a friggin NOVEL! I’m excited to hear more about the class.
Friendship dynamics can be so hard, especially friends who live so far away. I like Lisa’s suggestion of buying a Grubhub/Ubereats gift card. I think that’s ALWAYS really helpful when someone is going through a tough time.
And, as someone who always feels like I’m the bad friend whose friends don’t like her (haha, Enneagram 9 energy!), I totally understand feeling slighted by a friend who isn’t reaching out. Even if YOU’RE not reaching out, too! I have to remind myself that people get busy and it doesn’t reflect on our relationship. But it’s hard not to worry that the reason they aren’t reaching out is that they’re drawing away. I’ll just encourage you to reach out to your friend and try to reconnect! It might all be in your head. <3
I am SO late, but I wanted to hop in here. This week I took advantage of the mild weather and took the tots on outings both Monday and Tuesday. Then I got a stomach bug Tuesday night and slept all day yesterday. Ugh.
My kids were ALWAYS late getting in the car. There was goofing off upstairs when they went up to get dresses or brush teeth, so I moved their clothes to their kitchen chair. The thing I eventually did that seemed to help was I sat down and told them to let me know when they were ready. Then the next day I made them write their teachers a letter apologizing for being late. I told them it was bad manners to waste teachers’ time and make them accommodate my late kids. I made them write the things they’d done to contribute to being late. I required the teachers to sign the notes and return them to me. The teachers thought it was a hoot. I would also think that at a point she might be bummed to miss things that were happening at school.
For my folks’ 50th we did a surprise party. I made a video for them and we showed it at the party. I took old family movies and recent videos of them with the grandkids, etc. I interviewed all 22 grandkids and asked them what they loved about their grandparents. I included still photos with transitions and music from their ‘day’. It was a huge undertaking, but they loved it.
Sorry that you are having a hard time with these long distance relationships. I feel you. It is hard. I would send your friend a note or a message and just simply say, “miss you – hope we can connect soon. So much to get caught up on. Think of you often.” I agree with the above commenters, send something that says thinking of you to your friend going through a difficult time.
I hear you on the half-way done projects. It is so easy to get distracted or to run out of steam. Maybe set a schedule to revisit the stuff that needs to be done, one project each weekend.