Wow, I have written and rewritten the intro to this post five separate times and I cannot get the words to come out right! Partly, it’s because too many people reading this have lost someone dear, and I worry a topic that touches on losing loved ones might be triggering. If that sounds like you, please be gentle to yourself and feel free to check back in another day.
Partly, it’s because the topic of “inheritance” is so emotionally loaded. Right up front, you have a loss. So there are going to be all sorts of complicated feelings about an inheritance based on your relationship to the deceased. Maybe especially when that inheritance is not oodles of cash, but a baby grand piano, or a speedboat, or a timeshare in Argentina, or a collection of Meissen clowns, or a living, breathing lives-up-to-150-years tortoise.
(Perhaps the more logical minded among us have less of an issue with this than I do, but I am SO SENTIMENTAL. I cannot even THINK about inheriting anything without getting all teary and upset. I am pretty much banned from talking to my mother-in-law about things she wants to give away, because I will 100% take them, if only because they belonged to Great Aunt Hoosit. No thought to whether we need a six-feet-tall marble phonograph or a set of John Travolta-themed dishware. I get all wrapped up in the story behind the thing and can no longer see the thing itself.)
Once you get past the whole “someone I love has died” aspect of inheritance, you have the equally complicated issue of trying to fit someone else’s [heirloom] into your life. A life which may not have room for said [heirloom] for a wide range of reasons.
Finally, there’s the additional complexity of trying to navigate the inheritance of something precious to YOU when it may not be quite so precious to the person you share a life with. (I am not even going to get into the wildly complicated aspects of sharing an inheritance with a sibling, parent, step-sibling/parent, or other relative. That’s a different topic entirely.)
“What to do when your spouse inherits something you don’t care about” is what I most want to discuss today, although I 100% want to hear of any weird or unusual or particularly precious heirlooms in your own family lore.
Edited to add: Whoops! I forgot to mention that the below scenario is 100% FAKE. The watch is a stand-in for any heirloom. As you read, see if your calculus would change if [watch] were replaced by [sailboat], [lake house], [parrot], [pipe organ], or any other heirloom that would definitely incur costs. Would your response change if it were YOUR [heirloom] and not your spouse’s?
SCENARIO
Upon his death, a beloved grandfather bequeaths a very valuable antique watch to your spouse. The watch has both sentimental value (your spouse recalls seeing it on Grandfather’s wrist for the duration of his life; your spouse has fond memories of trying on the watch; your spouse can recite word for word the story of how Grandfather came to own this high-end timepiece) and financial value (the watch is nearly 60 years old and in perfect shape; it has an insurance value of $20,000).
When your spouse first takes possession of this watch, there are some initial costs. The watch requires insurance, which costs about $300 a year. To keep the watch safe from pets and children, your spouse purchases a watch box for about $100.
Your spouse wears the watch as often as possible. After all, the grandfather enjoyed the watch; so should your spouse.
Then you learn that the watch will require some routine maintenance. Maybe it needs a professional cleaning for around $50. Maybe it needs an annual water-resistance inspection for $50.
Okay, the annual costs are adding up a bit. But it’s not a ton of money. And surely there are costs that you incur that you don’t even think about.
Plus, the watch clearly brings your spouse joy. The grandfather’s memory proudly circles your spouse’s wrist. The feeling of closeness your spouse feels to the grandfather – well, that’s priceless.
Except… Now the watch needs a mainspring replacement for $150, which isn’t nothing, but… okay, fine. And then the winding mechanism fails and requires a $400 repair. And then one of the links becomes damaged, and now the watch repair people are quoting you $500 to repair the bracelet.
Suddenly, your spouse’s precious heirloom is costing some real money.
ASSUMPTIONS
Let’s assume, before you decide how you will respond, that:
- you and your spouse share a primary bank account, but also have separate “personal expenses” accounts
- you have ample money in your shared account to cover these costs with no problem, but the costs are more than your spouse’s “personal expenses” account could pay for without significant hardship (i.e., your spouse would not be able to buy you a birthday gift, or afford a NYT Games subscription, or whatever would constitute a “significant hardship” in this lack-of-actual-hardship situation)
- you are not a “watch person” and do not care about watches beyond their ability to tell time
- you love your spouse
- you loved your spouse’s grandfather, even though you weren’t as close to him as your spouse was
YOUR RESPONSE
So what do you DO? I think we need another poll.
I’m pretty sure that most of the people in this little blogging community are Of The Age to have either dealt with this subject already, or who will likely be dealing with it in the not-too-distant future. Maybe it will cost us money or maybe it will cost us sleep. Maybe we will love the inheritance as much as our spouse does or maybe there will be a vast imbalance. Maybe – and this is my sincere, heartfelt, and impossible wish – we will all live forever with those we hold most dear.
I don’t know if we can necessarily predict our reaction to any sort of bequest until it happens. But I would love your thoughts anyway.
Pay for the watch and don’t worry about it b/c it clearly sparks joy.
I love this generous attitude, but doesn’t joy sparking eventually have a financial limit?
The correct answer is to do what the two of you decide to do as a couple, but that’s not what you asked so I will answer.
Hahahaha – I like your “don’t insure it because it is irreplaceable” stance. That makes total sense to me for a watch. I have to think on whether that would hold true if, instead of a watch, it was, like, a Stradivarius or a sailboat.
The watch is a very important item to your husband. It’s cheaper to fix than sports car, gambling debt, or broken down old house he wants to flip.
Every time you pay, just remember the joy your husband has in it.
Personally, if it were mine, I would put the watch away and wear a cheap Timex and not pay insurance. But your husband loves it.
I love how inarguable you make this sound. It’s important to the spouse; just do it.
Ooh. My first thought, even before I saw it was an option on the poll, was to stop wearing the watch. But I see that’s not a popular option! I don’t know… I guess i’m just not a watch person. I wouldn’t even want to wear a watch like that, for fear that something would happen to it. But… I guess the “correct” answer is to do whatever your husband wants. If you guys have the money and it’s important to him, then it’s fine.
I definitely think the “not a watch person” element is important, right? Like, it can’t help but impact your feelings about whether the expense is worth it.
This isn’t exactly the same because my mother is alive, but when she moved from OR to CA, she downsized and she asked me if I wanted a big wooden trunk. I did, very much, but the shipping to MD was exorbitant. I took it anyway, it’s in our living room, and it brings me a lot of joy, especially since there was a lamp from her previous PA-to-OR-move-related downsizing I really wanted, but decided not to take because Beth didn’t care for it and I STILL (almost 14 years later) think about it and wish I had it.
Wow, I LOVE this real life example! And to know that you still think about the lamp-that-could-have-been — sometimes these “things” have such a hold on us!
With the caveat that as a single person, I don’t have the teamwork experience called for: I voted to pay out of the joint account, but have a conversation about what the limit would be. If wearing it gives your husband pleasure, I don’t think he should have to stop wearing it (even though that would be my personal answer). But is fixing it to wear worth $5,000 to him? $10,000? I would want him to really think that through.
This makes a TON of sense to me. There should be a limit, right?
Ooo this is interesting. We are both set up to inherit a bunch of unwanted junk but if the piece actually had meaning to my husband I would mostly be on board with it.
LOL – I love that you would “mostly” be on board with it. Sometimes we have to be indulgent for the ones we love, huh?
I voted that the joint account pay for some of the expenses, but not all. In this specific instance, I might say the spouse pay for ongoing expenses (insurance, yearly maintenance) and the joint account might pay for the repairs. In reality, in our household, probably spouse would stop wearing it and save up to get it fixed. I’m with Birchie in that since the watch is irreplaceable, I might not bother to insure it.
If the item were something large that the entire family might enjoy, like a lake house or a sailboat (or even an animal), then I would be more inclined to pay all expenses with the family account. And I would certainly not advise anyone in this instance…whatever works best for the couple is the correct answer.
I inherited my Grandmother’s engagement ring, which has several small diamonds. It does not fit me, and it is soldered to the wedding ring, and it’s really not my style. I have been considering taking it to a jeweler and having the diamonds reset into an eternity band or something similar. But she’s been gone almost 10 years, and I haven’t done it yet.
I inherited my grandmother’s ring as well (not her engagement ring, but the one she’d wear all the time). I always thought I’d make something out of it because it’s not my style but it was hers. It’s been years but somehow I don’t feel the need to wear it or “use it”. Maybe because I’m not a jewellery person or maybe because my memories of her are much more precious?
I want you to find a new life for your grandmother’s ring! That would be such a lovely way to keep her near you.
I like the idea of making the routine/ongoing expenses the responsibility of the inheritee, and having bigger repairs be covered by the family. I hadn’t considered that as an option.
Can you IMAGINE inheriting an animal? I have read news stories about parrots and tortoises getting passed down. That has the potential to be such a hardship, but I would feel such a burden of responsibility to KEEP the thing.
If this is an item the person uses regularly and you can afford it, I say you pay for it and the discussion is over. My husband’s beloved Tag Hauer is a money pit, but we keep throwing money at it.
(The Tag Hauer is a Ship of Theseus situation. Is it even the same watch as it was when he first brought it home?)
We have received a lot of inherited stuff. Some of it I truly love, like my husband’s grandmother’s curio cabinet. Some of it I truly despise, like the painting of a ship on fire that hangs in our office. Some of it is in daily use and some of it is taking up space in a trunk in our spare bedroom that someone else will have to deal with when both of us die. LOL.
I’m delighted by your Ship of Theseus comparison.
I remember your grandmother’s curio cabinet! But I am forgetting about the ship on fire. Do you BOTH hate it? Or does your husband love it? Hatred is such a different thing from indifference! I feel like that changes things quite a bit.
I have dealt with this, and in fact, with several things — war medals for one, a watch for another. Then I discovered shadow boxes. The war medals part of a shadow box that includes a war photo of my dad as a backdrop. The watch was my grandmother’s, on a chain and still worn as a necklace, but not a watch. No one will want these when I die. But I won’t be around to see it. Not all decisions, though, can turn into art projects!
Shadow boxes! What a great way to display those heirlooms!
First of all, I would NOT want to wear a watch that is worth $20k… but I also think Birchie is right that it’s „stupid“ to keep insurance for it, if it can’t be replaced anyway because of its sentimental value.
My take is this: if it fits into your (both agreed-upon) budget, spend the money (and watch your spouse enjoy the watch). If it’s a serious financial burden, I think he should stop wearing it (to at least not pay maintenance) and keep it as heirloom in its box. The other question is: does he want to pass it on to Carla and does she care about the watch? Otherwise, just wear it and enjoy it while you have it (but drop the insurance).
San, I did not think AT ALL about passing the heirloom down to our own kid! That is really something to consider!
I took some of my parents’ stuff and got rid of a bunch. A watch seems fairly useful although as some have mentioned, I doubt that it’s worth insuring since it’s irreplaceable.
I voted to just pay for it – I DID know my husband’s grandfather, and adored him, and my husband puts up with so much crap for everyone else in this family that if he wanted to wear the watch and spend a stupid amount of money on it, I would say fill your boots. Especially since a watch is strapped to one’s arm – if it was anything that was routinely set down I would probably have a different answer, because the man loses his phone/sunglasses/wallet several times a week.
I am the same as you – whenever someone wants to talk about the inheritance thing I am like ha ha, no, I do not want to talk about whatever financial benefit will accrue to us ON THE OCCASION OF YOUR DEATH. We were just in Edmonton where Matt’s stepdad joked that he was trying hard to spend everyone’s inheritance but he wasn’t managing to do it. His bio dad seems to be giving all his money to some yoga cult. We do own two thirds of the house my parents live in which we’re about to sell when they move, and they are pretty happy to be moving, so that is a nice thing, that we will derive a financial benefit without someone having to kick the bucket.
When Matt’s paternal grandmother died there was big drama about some piece of jewelry that Matt’s Mom was supposed to get for complicated reasons, but his aunt tried to keep. My sister and I are happily very united on who gets what, and at this point whatever my mom tries to give me I take whether I want it or not, and if it’s not I dispose of it accordingly. Wow, this comment is now way too long. Sorry.
No comment is ever too long!
A yoga cult. That sounds… complicated.
And yes! Inheriting something without anyone needing to die is wonderful. I’m also glad you get some “compensation” for dealing with all the complexity of the move.
I don’t really know how to respond to the category of budget, because my husband and I are more loosely-goosey about his-mine-ours, but we do generally discuss big costs first. In our household, allowance would be made, but if costs approached more than say 500 a year I would think it would become a dresser decoration. My mother died in the past year and it took MONTHS to clean out her house. As the only child, my “inheritances” ranged from family photos that my mom inherited from her grandparents (I think, not all labeled) to jewelry to everything household. The hardest thing for me is the boxes of photos – I don’t really WANT them, but I can’t throw them away.
YES. Photos that you feel unable to get rid of would be especially hard! I have a friend going through the same thing. He has all these precious (to his parents) documents and photos and is having to painstakingly decide what to keep and what to toss.
I’m sorry about your mom.
I chose the second option in the poll because I would hope that my spouse would pay for the repairs from his personal account if they regularly added up to over around 300 euro a month (335,97 US-Dollar right now). Also I see a chance that if the item were something I would feel had a high cultural value I would gladly pay from our joint account. So it’s very subjective and dependent on the item itself.
100% — I can totally see how it would be dependent on the item.
I feel like those costs are not HUGE, so will swap “watch” with “lake house” or something that would obviously cost much, much more and would be a possible financial hardship. In that case, that sounds like it would need to be a discussion, in that, is the financial hardship, or maybe not hardship, but giving up many other things, worth it to BOTH of you? Of course, the emotions are real, and that part really depends on the person. My grandfather collected old cars, but didn’t maintain them, so some of them passed to his kids, but are not in good shape, so in order to get them going, it would be a lot of money. I am encouraging my parents to give stuff away now to people who want it, but that is easier said than done!
Marriage is marriage. We’re in this together, the good the bad, the inheritance. 😂 Which can be good or bad.
So far, our inheritances have been mostly good, but with work on clearing up estates, financially which takes a lot of brain energy and time. The physical things we’ve inherited didn’t cost us any money in the long run. Good luck!!
Since the cost of the repairs are not very substantial in the grand scheme of things and your husband likes to wear the watch, I voted for using the joint account. We only have a joint account in our house. We do not have any separate pools of money because it just sounds complicated to parse out money into separate accounts. But I know that is what many couples do. But even with these separate accounts, I’d still use the joint pool of money for this since it’s not a side hobby? But I don’t really know the rules around your separate pools of money.
I am perhaps one of the least sentimental people you know of. Phil is, too. We do have hearts, but we are SO VERY LOGICAL. I do not envision us inheriting anything from either parent/parents. But our parents don’t have any like “fine jewelry” outside of wedding rings. Phil is the only living child in his family so he did get his dad’s wedding ring and had it resized for our wedding. But he does not wear the wedding ring except on special occasions (like our depositions – he thought wearing a wedding ring was super important and he was probably right). He doesn’t wear it because he has horrific eczema that requires blacklight treatments so I don’t want him to suffer from wearing a ring. And I don’t really care that he doesn’t wear it. WOW I AM GETTING OFF SUBJECT. Anywho… So I am relieved I won’t have to find room for a grand piano or something like that. And I donated my wedding dress to an organization that uses wedding gowns to make burial garments to provide to families who lose a baby. I know of several people who have sadly buried infants, so I liked the idea of my gown being used in that manner but really I did not want to saddle my children with a decision about what to do with mom’s old wedding dress some day…
Again, let me emphasize that I do have a heart and am a caring person. I am just so very very very pragmatic.
I was so relieved to have a situation like this taken out of our hands: Paul was supposed to inherit a giant heavy formal desk from his grandparents, who lived thousands of miles away from us; and we had a small small apartment (desk would have had to go into storage) and no money for shipping the desk across the country. Fortunately Paul’s aunt swiped the desk, in spite of the will. I resent that on principle, but was relieved not to have to Figure Out the Desk.
For something that requires ongoing maintenance, like the watch example, I was so happy to see the “joint account up to a point, then personal account” option, because that’s what I’d like. I want to be supportive of the spouse’s love of the item, and I don’t want to bankrupt the spouse’s personal account—but there is, as you say, a limit. If my spouse inherits something that has maintenance outside of our usual spending ranges, that needs a certain level of Fairness Reckoning—no matter how special/precious an heirloom it is. And this is exactly the sort of reason we HAVE our personal spending accounts: to cover awkward/difficult unbalanced spending issues.