Here’s a disagreement my husband and I have a few times a year: He will ask for advice in getting out of something – like beers at an old college acquaintance’s house or going to a patient’s sister’s open mic night – and I will suggest he simply say something like, “Oh thanks so much for including me, but I’m unavailable. Maybe next time!”
This is a method I employ successfully in my life. But he says he needs A Real Reason – that if he goes with something vague, there will be follow-up questions.
I prefer vague in the follow-up instance too. Something like, “Oh, just a family obligation.” or “Oh, I have a prior commitment.” (Apparently, I say “Oh” a lot when I am making vague sorry-I-can’t statements.)
He never takes me up on it. He wants something unassailable, like dinner plans or a weekend trip. He thinks people will keep poking at him until he says something specific. I think people who do that are rude or unable to read social cues. Also, I have never once encountered the level of pushback that he anticipates! (To be fair, I have a pretty strong case of RBF, while my husband has the sweet face and warm eyes of someone who would never snap at you for asking too many questions. So maybe people just know not to push me?) I honestly don’t know that he has ever encountered the level of pushback he anticipates; it may be largely if not entirely in his head!
Do you feel the need to justify things on a specific level?
I mean, I get that sometimes specificity is important. It can give context, right? Like if your boss wants you to staff a client event and you can’t, you might feel like saying, “I have to prep for surgery the following day” or “it’s my only night with the kids that week” will give you more credibility than going the simple “sorry, I can’t” route. And if you can’t make your sister’s wedding, it probably would go over better if you could blame your absence on something more specific than “a prior commitment.”
Also, I understand that the phenomenon of canceling or “we totally should”ing plans is poison to a friendship. Also also, I realize that are probably different levels of “need to know,” and you might feel more comfortable sharing specifics with a good friend than you would with a coworker or your dental hygienist. I am well aware that there are exceptions.
But in general, I feel like we are all allowed some reasonable amount of privacy in our lives. And we are allowed to make decisions about how we spend our time, and shouldn’t feel like we have to have A Real Reason to skip out on something. We should be able to opt out of opt-out-able commitments for the simple reason that we don’t want to do the thing, and we shouldn’t have to feel bad about that or worry about hurting someone’s feelings by saying it straight out or deal with the discomfort of coming up with a believable lie.
It seems like I may be in the minority of people who feel that way, though.
I am part of two separate groups, one an email chain and the other a text chain. This past week, both of them were active and there was a similar experience in both groups.
In both cases, the group leader requested a headcount of people coming to an upcoming event. She specifically said, “If you can be there, let me know.” Nothing about “everyone needs to respond,” nothing about “let me know if you cannot be there.”
In each case, the first person to respond was able to attend. (I know this because they both replied all, which is another thing I cannot stand but which seems to be an unavoidable part of the culture here.) Then the responses rolled in, nearly identical in both situations – even though one situation was a volunteer event and the other was a social gathering.
It went something like this: The second person responded in the affirmative, too. Then the third person said yes, and she was sorry she forgot to reply all. (SIGH.) Then the fourth person said she couldn’t and then gave a specific reason. Same with the fifth. Then the sixth replied all and gave a rather personal medical reason for not being able to volunteer. (Seriously! The personal medical reason happened in BOTH CASES.) (Which then leads to another thing that makes me feel uncomfortable, which is that everyone in the group replies all to extend their well wishes/condolences/etc. Which is nice, but results in too many texts/emails and also both feels performative and sets up the expectation that everyone needs to respond. What if I want to email the person separately??? What if I have never met this person and don’t feel I should know the details of her nosehair removal procedure????)
Dude. We should not feel like we need to JUSTIFY our inability to show up to things! If you can show up, do it; if not, DON’T. But I feel resistant and a little flaily, to be honest, about the unvoiced and totally unnecessary expectation that you need to have A Real Reason to bow out of anything, especially a social event or a volunteer position. What if my reason is, I don’t want to? What if my reason is, I don’t want to drive an extra half hour that day? What if my reason is, that day was my only free day all month and I just want to lie on my back on the couch and stare at the cobwebs gently undulating in the air currents?
My manager at my previous job was really good about this kind of thing. He’d email me (his subordinate) and his manager simultaneously and say, “I’m taking a personal day today.” That was it. I might find out later on that his kid had been sick or he’d had a dental appointment or whatever. But it wasn’t something he shared and it freed me from feeling like I needed A Real Reason to take my own personal days. It showed that he trusted me – an adult – to manage my own time. I’m sure if I’d abused the policy, he would have addressed that. But I didn’t and I was so glad that I didn’t have to say things like “Carla was up all night cluster feeding and I’m so tired I can’t think” or “I have a therapy appointment today.” I’d just say, “I’m taking a personal day” or “I need to leave early this afternoon” and that was that.
I wish we could all have that kind of privacy in our lives! That freedom from explaining ourselves, or fretting about whether our excuses are good or “real” enough. The knowledge that others aren’t judging us for saying no because they trust that our reasons are our reasons and that’s sufficient.
Listen. It’s not that I don’t empathize! When the reasons start flying, it makes me feel like I need to have my own reason for opting out. Like people won’t believe me, or they will grumble about me behind my back, or they won’t invite me in the future.
Obviously, I am feeling super guilty lately about my lack of involvement in anything other than the endless appointments associated with Moving And Getting Settled and my impulse is to make sure that the people I am flaking on know I am doing something else, and it is Not Fun. So truly, I get it. I am a people pleaser. I don’t want people to think I’m shirking any sort of responsibility, or taking my friendships or commitments lightly. But I think – I hope – I show that, by making the effort and showing up when I can. And I hope we can give people grace when they say they can’t do something, and realize that we all juggle multiple priorities, and sometimes one necessarily takes precedence over another.
Even if that priority is lying on the couch, wondering if cobwebs count as Halloween décor.
I heartily agree with all of this! Generally a firm and concise SHORT response is a blessing to all!
“A blessing to all” — I love that! Yes!
What she said! No need to justify – a personal is a personal day. One day I’ll get there since I am a recovering people pleaser myself.
You are right and your husband is wrong.
I remember my mom teaching me The Vague No back when I was in high school and thought I needed A Real Excuse to turn down babysitting jobs (NO: just say “Oh, I’m sorry, I already have plans that night!”), and I have used it successfully ever since, and I don’t think I have ever gotten pushback; if I HAVE, I’ve had The Vague Double-Down ready to go, same as you.
I personally think The Vague No is not only better overall, but also sounds more TRUE. And, same as you, I don’t think other people want to hear the specifics—or at least I don’t, when other people are turning down my invitation. The only time I want specifics is if it’s something useful for future invitations: “Oh, I’m sorry, I work on Wednesday mornings!” is useful; “Oh, sorry, I am meeting my cousin, she wants to talk through her divorce, I really don’t feel I can let her down, she’s had a really hard time, and this is the only time she can get a sitter, and we also have reservations that aren’t cancelable…” is unnecessary and also implies that they think they need a good reason not to CANCEL other plans to accept MY invitation instead, when I would NOT expect that and neither would anyone else. (With certain exceptions as you noted.)
Such a good point about not wanting to make the Inviter feel inadvertently stressed about asking. I would never want someone to feel like my invitation for coffee should take precedence over tending to a sick parent or whatever! I feel like that should go unsaid, and so it DOES take me aback when someone gives a long convoluted response when my invitation was intended to be easy or breezy.
Personally, I feel that you don’t need a reason. However, you need to read the room and of course if it is someone closer to you, it probably makes more sense to elaborate. With the text string, first of all, if she asked for yeses, why are people even responding who can’t go, and second of all, I think a “I won’t be able to make it, sorry” would suffice. Thirdly, especially if you are replying to all, I would provide NO personal info; that is just too exposed for me. Lastly, I hate the “reply-all well wishers!” Way too many texts.
I think that for work days off, people who elaborate may feel that they need a “good” reason, but I am sorry, if you are sick, or your dog is sick, or your kid is sick, or you are just feeling off/tired/down, if we are busy at work and you are gone, it is going to be extra work no matter what. If we are not busy and you just want a random day off, take it! Now, I am not advocating to just stay home and stare at the wall on a day you know is going to be super busy because you are lazy, but maybe the people making excuses sometimes do not feel their real reason is good enough.
HOWEVER, for social engagements, if you don’t want to go and you want to stay home and lay on the couch instead, you should be able to just say that you can’t make it. Period. I am the queen of no and don’t feel I should have to shuffle around my calendar to make things convenient for other people, so if that is my grocery shopping day, or my one day of the week that my plan is to do nothing, I will say no without guilt.
It is WAY too many texts, Kyria! And I agree. Putting my personal business out there for a bunch of semi-strangers does feel extremely vulnerable. And I wouldn’t want said semi-strangers to chime in with well wishes — it would feel false, and like I’d forced them into it.
Oooh, interesting topic. I USED to be more like your husband, giving a multitude of excuses that sometimes led to the other person rescheduling to include me in something that I was making an excuse to get out of. However, after 25 years with my husband, who is firmly a “no one needs to know my shit” person, I have found that the simple “I can’t make it, sorry, I’ll catch you next time” is best. Keeping it simple and not offering the why works SO much better. Unless, as you say, it’s a good friend and there is something you want to share.
I laughed so much at the “sorry, I forgot to reply all” because girl, I have been there. I am on a text chain that is INSANE and I have it muted because once I drove to my parents’ house and in the span of 2 hours there were ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO NOTIFICATIONS. And a lot of them were “so and so liked so and so’s comment.”
Anyway, I think in general it is absolutely correct that no one needs to know why you aren’t coming to something or doing something. Boundaries! They are good! And you should never need to justify why you can’t do the thing.
The reply all “likes” and “ha has” kill me. But there is so much pressure to respond in kind! I think I just don’t get reply all in general. It makes sense in very few situations! In most cases, it makes more sense (and is less onerous to EVERYONE ELSE) if you just respond to the one person.
I agree with you, but I act like your husband! I need to do a deep dive into this.
Ha – yes, definitely worth exploring! It is okay to say no. 🙂
This is an excellent post- I agree, we should not need to give an excuse. Apparently Jane Fonda said that women need to learn that “no” is a complete sentence. I can’t do that – I need to at least add a “sorry”, or, “no I can’t make it. Thanks anyway”. And then move on. No more dithering or guilt.
No is a complete sentence! Although I agree with you, Pat, I need to soften it a little bit.
Reply all’s might actually kill me some day. I feel your pain!
I am getting so much better about this with age. I don’t need to make excuses or even tell the full (truthful) reason. Most of the time no once cares, and if I’m doing things with the right motive, so what if they do? I am a people-pleaser at heart, but have really gotten so much better in the last few years (maybe even months?!) at just saying what I mean and moving on.
Or, more succinctly, as I sometimes tell my kids: “No is a complete sentence.”
You know what, that IS a great thing about getting older. I also feel more comfortable saying what I mean. Not all the time, but I’m working on it.
I used to agonize over declining things, trying to come up with very specific reasons. My husband was the opposite, and I slowly adopted his vague response behavior … and I love it. Now I feel like giving too many reasons/details makes it look like I’m lying, and I remind myself of that when the temptation arises.
“Sorry, I have plans” is about as specific as I get; usually it’s just “Sorry, I’m unable to attend.” 🙂
This is obviously not the point or the purpose, but I also love the tiny air of mystery the vague “no” leaves in its wake. “What could she be doing?!” people will whisper amongst themselves. (No, they won’t. They don’t care. LOL.)
I’m with you 100%. If it’s someone that I’m close to, I might give a reason, but otherwise “no” or “I can’t come that night” are great answers.
The only time I’ve ever had a problem was with a workplace where we did a lot of team dinners where the expectation was to go straight from work, stay as long as the party lasted, and no was not an answer…guess why I left that job?
Oh GEEZ. They wouldn’t take no for an answer?! I feel that’s a case where it would be satisfying to come up with increasingly elaborate and unlikely lies. “My cat’s psychic is coming over right after work, sorry.” “I can’t today, I’m bringing ten thousand popsicles to the food bank.” “Wish I could, but my grandmother’s long lost twin is supposed to contact us via seance tonight.”
Doing what you think you should do never ends well for me. Just say no succinctly, privately even, then go on with your life. Of course I say this about social things unrelated to work expectations. That’s a whole different game.
I can totally see how work expectations could be different. I really think I lucked out with my supervisor. He was excellent at being a manager, and giving me the freedom to opt out without specifics was only one of the ways he was good at his job.
Group threads where people keep responding drive me nuts yet I can’t extricate myself without the others wondering why. I simply say, “I can’t make it. I’m busy.” Which is the case, if if I’m busy hanging out with the cat.
That’s the whole issue, Margaret! Because you can’t just duck out the door, right? You are STUCK in a group thread! Argh!
Team Suzanne all the way! No one needs to know our personal stuff, unless it’s your mom or your closest friend, who would feel like you were hiding something if you didn’t say.
I’m a bit concerned about your friend having the Nose Hair Removal Procedure… sending thoughts and prayers her way.
LOL. Yes, she really has a problem. Prayers appreciated (and needed).
No is a complete sentence. If I’m feeling polite, no, thank you is also a complete sentence. No one needs to know anything. My “other plans” are generally sleeping on the couch with my dog, so…I think Margaret and I are on the same page.
Yessssssss! And who could argue with you for spending an evening with Hannah?!
This is so funny. I don’t feel bad about letting people know I can’t do things, but that might be because we don’t get invited to do much. I will say I HATE REPLY ALL. Like, I hate it with every fiber of my being. It’s so silly.
So many points in here made me chuckle.
Reply All is the worst. THE WORST.
I completely agree with everything you said. It’s so easy to say, “I’m so sorry, I can’t.” I’ve almost never had anyone ask me for specifics, and if they do, I’m still vague.
Right?! I feel like the worry that people will want specifics is all in our head! No one really cares!
I TOTALLY agree with you. And like you, I have a husband who always thinks he needs to give an elaborate reason for not doing something. My feeling is- no one else REALLY CARES what it is you’re doing instead. They just need a headcount so they know how much food to order, or if it’s a volunteer event they need to make sure every task is covered… etc. It’s really a waste of time to have to hear about everyone’s personal excuses. Now, of course there are exceptions- if it’s an event you’re really expected to attend, like a family gathering, you should have a good reason for missing it and it’s reasonable to share it. Otherwise I say it’s no one’s business but your own.
Yes, absolutely. There ARE exceptions. But most people aren’t entitled to know the exact details of your schedule!
The Reply All people are going to be the death of me.
No, I don’t feel the need to provide a reason why I can’t attend a social event. Work though…is a whole different nut. I can still say no without a reason in a lot of instances but there are those random instances that need a little more finesse.
Yes, work is tricky. I feel like every company has its own specific culture, and that really informs how you can and should respond. Which sucks! You should be able to say no! But I acknowledge that my boss is the outlier. Honestly, his boss was all about the super specific — to the point of uncomfortable — excuses, and I am realllllllly glad my own boss showed by example that his boss was NOT the role model to exemplify.
I am a champion flaker, and I always give an excuse. Probably because SINCE I AM LYING I feel like the person is not going to trust me.
I am more like your husband and my husband is more like you. Phil is excellent at using no as a complete sentence. He also kind of has zero f’s to give about how it’s perceived if he says no whereas I can feel some guilt about not accepting an invitation. It has gotten easier since I’ve had kids – which is a shame because I should have felt like I could say no before I had kids. Now I am better at boundaries and not overscheduling.
I will say the vague no does annoy me if it happens over and over in a close friendship. It does make me wonder if they value spending time together if they are never able to get together. I have a situation like this right now with my college friend group – 1 person continues to vaguely say no to things. And as a person that is generally the planner, I will give up on people who say they want to get together but then never actually say yes or make plans with me… So I’ve tried to focus on friendship where the level of commitment is more reciprocal? Of course there are seasons of life where it is hard to say yes to things so I am not like hard core on giving up on people. Anyways I fear I am coming off as someone who isn’t understanding. I promise this is not the case and it’s only very specific situations where I’ve gotten tired of being the planner…
“do they value spending time together if they are never able to get together?”–planners everywhere are wondering! I feel you.
Can so relate. In a close friendship I think it’s important to be transparent. I have a friend (in Poland) that would say to me sometimes, “it’s raining, I just want to read my book tonight” when I offered to get together. Now, if it happens over and over again, then yes, it’s super annoying and perhaps that relationship should be reconsidered. Is it even worth to continue if the other person does not reciprocate? I have “terminated” friendships with quite a few people where I was the one always reaching out.
Just re-read what I wrote. Sounds kind of mean, sorry 🙁
So I am like you in this situation and my husband is like your husband. And the WORST PART is that he often uses ME as his excuse. “Oh we can’t come, Jen is sick.” And then the other person asks me how I was feeling and I have no idea what they are talking about. JUST SAY NO, my dude.
PLUS, he says he hates it when people do it to him as a manager at work. There’s always that weird advice going around that you should make your calling out from work reason as disgusting as possible so no one questions it and so he will get people describing stomach ailments to him when all he needs is “I will not be at work on X date and I will be using my PTO time.”
I completely agree with you here, Suzanne! This was actually something my friend Bri and I just talked about on an upcoming podcast episode. Setting boundaries is one of my superpowers, and that’s because I have limited energy and have to guard my time fiercely. So I have no qualms about saying, “No, I’m not able to attend. Have a great time!” With close friends, I may elaborate or I’ll say something like “I can’t tonight – how about next week?” if they want to meet up for dinner or something like that.
Are you me? Hahaha. My husband and I have this conversation ALL the time. My standard response is “I’m sorry, we have plans” (even if the plans are to stay home and have dinner as a family, because that IS my plan and priority for that time!). I have never run into push back. If it’s a situation that comes up in person, I’m more likely to give specifics (or I’ll punt by saying “I need to check my calendar” and then text later with the “plans” response).
My husband feels that he always SHOULD say yes to a request unless there is some life or death reason that he can’t. It really bothers him when people flake on commitments, so he doesn’t want to be “that person”. My perspective is that most of the people asking him for things have literally no idea how crazy his schedule is or how involved a certain request will turn out to be from his end. I always remind him that if they knew what they were actually asking him to do (in terms of juggling schedule, missing family time or rearranging previous plans), they WOULDN’T ask! Or even if they did, it doesn’t make it his job to accommodate them unless he truly wants to. And it’s actually MORE kind and professional to say “no” sooner rather than hemming and hawing over a response.
The bottom line is that I like to frame things by thinking about what I’m saying yes to by saying no to something else, and unscheduled downtime is just as important as other obligations.
I loved this post, thank you. I’m glad to see so many commenters agreeing with you that not wanting to go to something is a perfectly good reason to not go.
There have been busier periods in my life when I often had to turn down invitations, and I remember worrying that people would think I simply didn’t want to get together with THEM. I remember saying to an especially social couple, “I’m sorry, we have plans and can’t attend, but please don’t stop asking, sooner or later we will make it work!” And that was perfect, they still invite us, and we are more available now. Though if what I want to do is lay on the sofa and look at cobwebs, I’m going to do that.
My husband is like yours, and feels like he needs to explain. I think that’s because with his family, everyone is going to want to know WHY you’re not coming. He knows how to read the room on that one, but honestly, sometimes people just want a headcount, not an entire conversation.
I didn’t originally comment on this because I don’t get a lot of invitations for things I don’t want to do, but then in the meantime, I got one. I am going to keep all this in mind and not over-explain when I say no, even though it’s a pretty simple explanation (event too far away).
Interesting topic. I thought it was a cultural thing – in Germany, the response “I can’t make it” or “I am busy” don’t really exist and there always needed to be a reason (even if a vague one) if you turned down an invitation.
It used to put me off when I moved here and people responded with “I am busy” and I was inclined to ask “busy with what?”… but with time (and age), I have also come to the conclusion that I don’t owe anybody an explanation and that “I have other commitments/plans” should be sufficient as a response.
Like you said, it does depend on the situation/person and obviously, I will be more honest/forthcoming with family and friends than with work colleagues/strangers… but in general, we shouldn’t feel like we have to explain why we are not available for certain things. I’ve gotten much better and my favorite one-sentence response for taking a day off is “I am taking a sick day/personal day”. No further information necessary.