My usual methods for lulling the worry hamsters to sleep are not working.
- I have tried making lists: seems to awaken additional worry hamsters, plus I keep forgetting about the lists I’ve already made and making new ones.
- I have tried long solitary walks: more time for thinking and worrying!
- I have tried distraction via TV, book, and endless scrolling of the internet: these work with varying degrees of success, but leave me feeling yucky.
- I have tried comfort eating: see above re yucky.
- I have tried retail therapy, which is certainly fun. (By the way, Stitch Fix is KILLING it right now. I have liked nearly every single item they have sent me recently and I keep clicking, “yes, send me a new fix!” as soon as I pay for whatever I just bought.) I have a bunch of new clothes, including several new dresses and a very long skirt I love but have yet to wear. I dislike how people say “you’re so dressed up!” when I wear a sundress. Also, is age 42 too old to wear a shirt that might once in a while show a small sliver of your stomach? Kae influencered me to buy this shirt, but I have a very long torso and so the shirt doesn’t go quite to the top of my high-waisted jeans. My daughter and, I’m sure, my mother would say an emphatic YES, 42 is too old, or more particularly, I am too old (my husband’s take: “just don’t raise your arms”), but I have a friend who is in her later 40s who says WEAR IT and I’ve already taken off the tags and purchased a second shirt in a different color so I guess I’m a belly-shirt wearing person now. My mom and my daughter can go shake their heads sadly about me in another room. I did, however, return the dress to which my husband’s response was *a very tender and carefully worded version of* “I think you might be in an age range where a dress this short no longer looks appropriate.” But I didn’t return it because of that; I returned it because I hate my knees. And this dress – well, you know how some dresses are designed to showcase your décolletage or your back or whatever? This dress was designed to showcase your knees. And my knees get me around and do a great job of getting me up stairs but they are not show-worthy knees, you know? So I returned the dress, which was otherwise adorable and extremely comfortable.
- Oh right, I was listing things that I have tried to help prevent all the endless anxieties that keep scurrying around my brain.
- I have tried complaining to my husband, who has limited patience with reassuring people; why did he marry me when I need near-constant reassurance about everything????
- I have tried sending ridiculous hyperventilatey emails to blog friends, whom I hope have enough of an existing familiarity with my all-caps style of hyperbole to not think that I have completely unhinged. I am still semi-hinged. For now.
- I have not yet tried therapy, although I have broached the topic with my husband and have asked some offline friends for recommendations. Who has time for therapy, though?!?!?
The only thing that works even slightly is exercise – strenuous HIIT or strength training – but the downside is that the worry hamsters wake up immediately upon my heart rate returning to normal. And I just cannot exercise every second of the day.
Speaking of exercise: do you have, as I do, Flayed Face Syndrome? (Which is a totally made-up non-disease that is not to be confused with Scalded Skin Syndrome, which is a real and horrifying thing.)
Every time I do something that raises my heart rate for a prolonged amount of time, I end up looking like a character in Game of Thrones whose facial skin has been peeled away to reveal the tomato-pulp flesh beneath it. Is Game of Thrones still a relevant reference point? Feels like a million years ago that it was the hot thing, but then again I don’t consume a lot of other media where “peeling off someone’s face” would be a reasonable plot point.
The effect is quite alarming, let me assure you. Every time I have exercised in public to the point of my skin scarleting itself, people approach me to ask if I am okay. It is highly embarrassing. The redness lasts for a long time; I am writing this an hour after I finished a very heart-pumping exercise routine with Tracy Steen (this 45-minute HIIT workout) and my face is only just now cooling off to the “moderate to severe sunburn” level of redness.
One of my friends keeps asking me to go to barre class with her. I would love to – I used to love barre, and haven’t been back since March of 2020, hmm wonder why, but I am pre-embarrassed about my tomato-y complexion.
(Also keeping me from barre class: I am an extremely sweaty exerciser. And while that is tolerable at home in my own house, at least to me; I have not asked the other members of my household, I feel super self-conscious about it in public.)
I have been like this – a deskinned tomato person – for as long as I can remember. I don’t think there’s anything to be done about it, but maybe YOU have a solution? Perhaps that solution is simply, “avoid exertion,” which makes sense to me.
Recently, Lauren shared some rules to live by. One of them is that everyone deserves flowers. And even though buying flowers doesn’t soothe the worry hamsters, it does bring me a little ping of joy every time I see said flowers. So I am buying the flowers and I hope you are too.
Currently, my dinner table has some lilies and some delphinium (at least, I think it’s delphinium) in a vase. But I also bought a bunch of flowers for outside my house. Including two hanging baskets of bright magenta petunias. There’s nothing like a basket of magenta petunias to lift a mood, if temporarily.
Of course, one of them fell from the little hook that dangles the basket above my porch, and the basket broke. I transferred it into a pot and it seemed to be doing okay. Then I forgot to water both pot and basket for two days – two days during which we got significant rain, by the way – and when I went to check on them, the flowers had all wilted in an extremely distressing manner. I couldn’t bear to throw them out, so I watered them. And it turns out they were just being melodramatic. They look glorious once again. (Phew.)
I refuse to say that I am too old to wear anything. Refuse. I also refuse to listen to anyone who wants to police what I wear.
I wear dresses almost every day in the summer and regularly get asked why I’m dressed up. I’m not? I’m wearing clothing that is as comfortable as pajamas?
I am also a red-faced exercise person. When I come back from a run, it takes an hour before my skin resembles my normal self. I tell myself that it’s because my heart is doing such a great job circulating blood! I also tell myself that it’s a good thing that I run out of breath by the third floor of stairs – it’s my body thinking we’re working out and it just immediately goes into workout mode. I mean, you HAVE to lie to yourself to get through the day, right?
HA! Okay, I am adopting all of these viewpoints from now on. Excellent way of approaching everything.
And yes, dresses are just like wearing pajamas!
All I can say is that I regret not starting therapy sooner. I’m four sessions in – I spent the first three sessions talking my head off about every last little gripe that I have, and now we’re working on techniques to help me process a few things that have happened in way that won’t have me losing my shiz everytime someone looks at me funny. I didn’t do therapy when I was younger because it would have cost an arm and a leg and I wouldn’t have been able to miss work. In today’s world EAP’s can get you started at no cost, and there are better scheduling options.
I don’t have flayed face but man oh man I am one Sweaty Beast, so you’re not alone.
Glad to know I am not the only sweaty beast out there! And also good to know that you are feeling so great about therapy. I fell guilty about the expense but… I think my husband is supportive so I should just get over it and do it.
Gah. I can relate to all of this. The attempts to distract myself from worry or to reason it away which are usually moderately helpful, at best.
We are red-faced sisters! I think I’ve blogged about this before, but people also come up to me to ask if I’m okay. My face goes BEET red when I exercise strenuously. On the flip side, I don’t sweat much when I exercise, so I’ve always assumed that’s why my face looks like I just painted it to resemble a field tomato. But maybe that hypothesis is out the window if you sweat and go red in the face.
Oh, and I also hate my knees. Okay, hate is a strong word, but I am loathe to showcase them. Anything below my waist I’m self-conscious about. Honestly, most things above my waist I’m self-conscious about. The only thing I’m *not* self-conscious about is my actual waist which is quite small for no other reason than genetics. Oh, and my lips. Someone at a Clinique beauty counter once told me I could be a lip model. I’m not sure if such a thing actually exists (like does anyone JUST model their lips and no other body part; I guess George was a hand model…) and I’m not sure if she said that so I would buy the lipstick she was selling (I did buy the lipstick), but that single comment has given me confidence about my lips that has lasted decades.
I LOVE that you got this compliment, that is amazing, and I can TOTALLY get behind that. Also, you are very beautiful and effortlessly stylish. But yeah. Knees. Not the most appealing part of my body, that’s for sure!
You are talking about the blue/white plaid shirt, right? Yay, I’m glad you bought it! It’s so cute!! When tied at the waist, my stomach shows a little bit with certain movements too. I also paused at that a little as well, but then decided it’s not like it’s an actual crop top (not that there’s anything wrong with those, but I bought this to wear on my husband’s work trip on a boat tour outing, if you recall!). Also, at least on me the untucked/ untied version is pretty long, so I suppose you could always just tuck it in if you needed to? But I think it’s fine if a little skin shows- it’s summer time! Also, I LOVE that other one you got!! I hadn’t seen that one, and now I am tempted to order that one, too. 🙂
YES, order it! It is also super cute! And I am glad to hear that you also have a little skin sliver. You’re right: it’s summer! Let the tummy enjoy the sun!
That shirt is super cute and you should wear it with joy!
Thanks, Kate 🙂
It must be hard to live with that kind of anxiety. I find that reading fiction does help me when I want to put my mind off certain things. You could also try meditation. I hear from certain people that it can do wonders. I plan to learn more about it myself. I also go on long walks with friends to decompress. Other people bike in nature. There are ways to mitigate this 🙂
Sometimes it is deeply unpleasant inside my head. I have heard so much good about meditation, but haven’t had much success. Not that I’ve really TRIED it, outside of doing a few sessions here and there. I find that my mind wanders so terribly! And the meditation dictate to observe those thoughts and allow them to exist and move on is very hard for me to execute!
I have lots to say.
First, I hear you on the worry hamsters, mine are spinning their wheels continually and frantically. My email is always open (and I’m going to continue to email YOU re: all my crazy things).
Second, I say rock the shirt. ROCK IT. I disagree strongly that you are “too old” to wear anything. If you like it, wear it is my motto. Also sundresses are adorable and perfect for all occasions.
Third, I am an extremely sweaty worker-outer. Like, crazy sweaty. Like, so sweaty that when I take off my workout clothes they actually thud on the floor and leave a WET SPOT. I also get red in the face.
So I guess I have no advice or helpfulness, except that maybe blogging helps? I found after I finally posted about my move and a little bit of the health stuff, I actually felt better. I am also finding for myself that “loosening my grip” really helps. I found I was holding onto things – omg, leaving the neighbourhood, omg, leaving my friends – and when I thought, it’s okay, I can let go…I felt a lot better about the move, etc. So, you know, feel free to send an email and I will reassure you until the proverbial cows come home. xoxoxoxo
Woot woot! Sweat sisters! Oh Nicole, I am going to try the loosening. That is excellent advice. And thank you for listening. <3
Wear what you want. Get your belly button pierced and rock that look.
I am a worrier as well, and trying to let it go can be difficult. Like Nicole, sometimes I find writing it down and putting it out there can help. More sometimes than talking out load about it, because then there is someone here who has to listen, and I feel self conscious about it. Stupid, really.
I really get that. There’s something about typing it all out that feels… different is the only word I am coming up with, than talking out loud. Plus, you can get it ALL out on the page rather than having to deal with the flow of conversation. PLUS the people who read this blog are presumably here because they want to be, and have self-selected as people who can tolerate the way I talk about things, so it feels like tacit permission to be more myself than I feel I can be around other people.
Yes, for me it’s the to-do list stress, not so much existential worry. I have so much to do, it will never all get done, I have to go FAST and get things accomplished RIGHT NOW, etc. And YES, it’s crazy that biology works, but regular exercise does seem to help. Endorphins do their job, I guess: how amazing. (And amazing that I *still* don’t quite get in some exercise every day.)
Big hugs to you.
Thanks, Lee! The to-do list stress, especially when it’s so pressing, feels so FRANTIC, right? Ugh! I hope you find yourself whittling your to-dos down to nothing.
Omg YES, I DO have Flayed Face Syndrome! I went to see a professor once during undergrad right after aerobics and after ascertaining that I wasn’t having a heart attack he said “aerobics? Well you’re certainly not a walking ad!” (yeah, he was a bit of a dick).
Email me ANY TIME about the hamsters, I’ll kick those motherf*ckers to the curb.
Sometimes pots or baskets need to be watered even when it rains – either the rain doesn’t get in sufficiently or they’re dramatic enough that they need the water to be SPECIFICALLY ADDRESSED to them. Divas.
I love the dress and skirt. SHOW THAT STOMACH OFF, we do not care what our mothers think of how we dress anymore, and if my daughter is any indication, yours is only a couple years off of assuring you that you slay in whatever you wear and like.
Awww yay! I can’t wait for my kiddo to be at that stage. Right now she is AGHAST at some of the things I wear LOL. And thank you for your offer to kick those worry hamsters to the curb. I will take you up on it!!!
Oh, I had a bad case of worry hamsters when I was getting ready to move; I could not seem to turn my brain off at night to fall asleep. I had to listen to a very boring podcast to get to sleep (intentionally boring, that is, it’s called Sleep With Me). After I settled from the move, it was suddenly too boring for me, but I still go to sleep listening to audiobooks, five years later (it has to be a book I’m familiar with, of course, so it doesn’t matter if I miss anything).
I worked in an office that had a Drama Plant: it would suddenly flap all its fronds onto the table, looking completely dead, then once watered, would bounce right back up. So melodramatic!
Hahahaha – Drama Plant. I love it. And I should probably download one of those purposely boring podcasts. I have heard great things!
First and foremost; NOBODY likes their knees. Nobody. I promise you this. I don’t care how tall, thin and beautiful they are – they don’t like their knees.
Also re: showing a little skin? Or a shorter dress? Perfectly acceptable; despite what your daughter, mother or anyone else might think, if you feel comfortable and nicely dressed that’s all that matters.
I would take it as a compliment when people ask why you are “so dressed up.” They notice that you care how you represent yourself to the world. Most people, it seems, don’t lately. So they feel they must comment on it.
As far as dresses – particularly in the summer…I agree with NGS – they are FAR more comfortable and cooler than jeans or capri pants.
Worry hamsters. One word – WINE. 😉
We all have them unfortunately. I truly think that blogging DOES help, in this regard. Because you are able to get it all out of your head without any interruption. And then we come along and either can sympathize or offer assistance in one way or another.
I guffawed loudly when I read “WINE.” Ha! You make me giggle, Gigi! And you’re right. Blogging definitely helps. You are all the nicest, best, most supportive listeners.
Ha! Laughter is the best medicine; so they say. I think we have a great little community/support system going and it can be very therapeutic.
I don’t think ANYONE is too old for ANYTHING at LOFT– that store skews older, doesn’t it?? And that shirt is adorable. But listen, I spent all day yesterday in 3-inch inseam denim cutoffs, so maybe my opinion on this is an outlier LOL. The ONLY thing that helps me with anxiety is yoga and ocean breathing. Plus cold water. And less caffeine. When I get worry hamsters running around, I immediately halve my caffeine consumption and drink more water. It almost always helps.
Water! Yes! I have definitely been slacking on my water intake lately, so I will try this out. Thank you!
Oh, that’s funny, because my post today went on and on about crop tops. I say, WEAR IT. As long as you’re comfortable, it’s good.
I don’t have a solution to the flayed face syndrome. But I think it falls within the norm of Things That Happen when you exercise. I can see how it would be annoying to have people commenting on it, though.
On that note, exercise would be my first solution to anxiety. But I know- the effects don’t last forever. I like some of the other suggestions in this comment section though (more water, wine.) I hope you find a solution!
Our family therapist has given us all kind of physical and mental exercises to practice and one that’s supposed to calm you down actually made me start crying the other day. It has several steps but it’s supposed to make you observe your feelings from the outside and there was a feeling I’d been trying to ignore and observing it caused me to feel it MORE rather than LESS.
I am definitely pro therapy and I am definitely very pro medication. I am on lexapro. I thought my anxiety was situational but then when things were going extremely well, I was still riddled with anxiety. I tried to go off it once and it was awful so I have accepted that I need meds and try to view that as I view my RA meds – a complete necessity and not something to be ashamed of. So I would consider talking about your anxiety with your dr if you haven’t already. It can be life changing to go on meds/start therapy! 🙂 I’ve had anxiety for my entire life and wish I had realized there was an easy solution earlier on!
That is great to hear about Stitch Fix. I tried them many years ago and got SUPER FRUSTRATED. I explained my style and what I was looking for – for example, I asked for a dress for winter and specified that I live in Minnesota where it’s cold. They sent a dress I would only wear in the summer – the material was super thin and it wouldn’t pair with tights. That’s just one example. They must have gotten better so maybe I will try them again sometime!
I hate my stomach so very much so I don’t think I could do any sort of potentially mid-drift-baring shirt but I say GO FOR IT!! I think I know the top you are referring to – Kae looked adorable in it. I could see myself buying it because it is adorable but then never wearing it because I wouldn’t feel great in it. But my stomach is my absolutely least favorite part of my body!!!
I’m sorry that the worry hamsters are getting you. I find that it is so, so hard to cycle out of these obsessive thinking patterns. For me, what helps the most is talking them out with someone who is supportive. That might not be your husband. Maybe it’s a friend. But it allows me to release the hold it has on me and gain more perspective.
I think therapy could be really, really helpful for you. A lot of counselors now offer telehealth, which I prefer because I can lay down on my bed and talk, lol. It’s nice to be in the comfort of my home while doing therapy! And it also makes it take up a lot less of my time since I’m not factoring in drive time.
On another note, I adore StitchFix. I stopped getting boxes a while ago and I don’t think I’ll bring it back anytime soon, but it was so fun while I did. And I love so many of the clothes I got from them!
Wise woman to choose petunias that coordinate with your complexion. I’m familiar with worry hamsters, they thrive in my mind. My only advice about them is complaining, or as I prefer to describe it as *creatively venting*, to my husband. I’m sorry that has not worked for you.
Creative venting. Ha! I love it.
They are, in fact, delphiniums! And I too am psycho sweaty and flayed face… as well as insane red legs and feet. It has always been the way, but I too am quite embarrassed by it. Why don’t I ever see anyone else with crotch and butt sweat at the gym? Is there makeup at work that no one else gets as flushed?! At some point I resolve to stop caring but that day is not this day.
And do the therapy (!!!!!) but it takes hard work… totally worth it though- it’s hands down the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. All that worry is a coping mechanism your brain is stuck in… there is another way. I found it and LORD if before therapy me had been the one to face some of the things I’ve faced in the last few years… it would have been awful. I got into therapy in the nick of time, as I see it!
Also- hellllloooo shoutout! Thank you for that! I totally should have led with that
I am a very sweaty exerciser (esp. when I am on the bike)… sweat pearls are literally sitting on my skin and I am dripping from every angle. I also do get a red complexion. So, yeah. I get it (although I don’t think it would prevent me from going to a class – it just shows you did a hard workout! ;))
Worry hamsters can be awful nagging things. Exercise definitely helps me (but yeah, I understand that you can’t exercise all day long)…. I think therapy is always a good option (for anyone really) if you can find a therapist you click with and make the time. I guess it depends on how desperate you are.
Re: clothing: wear what makes you feel good and pretty! Do not care what other people think. Period!
You are not too old to wear anything!!
I sweat like an overweight man. Not kidding. I do get red, and I don’t care. I work out four-five days a week with various people while sweating and getting red, I still don’t care.
Perhaps making time for therapy would be ideal; I don’t know a single person who has had some therapy and regretted it. I don’t want the worry hampsters to take up any more of your precious time.
Hamsters. Yep, I have them, too. How do I deal… Writing everything down, meditation, and (haphazard) yoga practices. I have 10 cognitive traps (given by my therapist) printed on my wall so when I start catastrophizing or mind-reading I pull myself back by identifying which trap it is. Works most of the time…
So, I am bright red much of the time, not just when exercising, thanks to my extraordinarily severe Raynaud’s. To the point where one of my rheumaologists said, well, that’s why you look like you’re drunk all the time, with your nose and cheeks so red. Um, thanks? So yeah, it could be worse – no exercise excuse. 🙂 (I am also not a sweaty exerciser so can’t help there…)
I can concur with Birchie that therapy is a game changer for me. Seriously worth the time and money. Having THAT person to dump my anxieties on helps me so, so much. It might do the same for you. <3