We have houseguests this week. I think it’s well established at this point that I am both an anxious host and a control enthusiast, and that doesn’t make for the easiest time when having guests.
My particular brand of control enthusiasm is particularly evident in the kitchen. I am weird about food. I am weird about germs. I am weird about lots of things, and I can control those things when it’s me cooking. But when it’s someone else in my kitchen, doing their own thing in their own way, I get very uncomfortable. So, while I know this makes sense to NO ONE but me, I cannot stand to have help in the kitchen, especially from one particular houseguest. This guest is a wonderful, loving, generous, and thoughtful person and I want you to know I understand this, and understand that I am being ridiculous. And yet I am incapable of change in this area. I have tried! This particular houseguest does things so differently from me – I find it excruciating. Unbearably uncomfortable. I feel so guilty typing this out. IT IS NOT LOGICAL. I know this. And yet. For instance, on a previous visit, this guest ended up (very kindly and thoughtfully) making dinner for the family one night. The anxiety I felt – and still feel, at the very memory! – was so intense that I cannot do it again. I cannot. And I don’t know how to convey to this person just how awful it makes me feel. I have tried, in varying levels of firmness, and it doesn’t seem to get through. (Either this person’s own anxiety at “being a good guest = making a meal” trumps the desire to respect the boundaries I try to set… or my boundary-setting just doesn’t register with this person… I don’t know.)
Anyway. I am pre-anxious about making food for the houseguests because a) I don’t want to fend off (lovely! thoughtful!) advances to “help” and b) it is also complicated and slightly stressful to plan meals for these houseguests because they often have last minute changes in plans and c) we still have all of the normal evening activities that make dinnertime a challenge even for my immediate family.
Dinners for the Week of June 19-26
- Sheet Pan Tandoori Chicken and Cauliflower: Colleen mentioned that she made this recently, and I had forgotten just how much I enjoyed it the last time I made it, so I put it on the meal plan IMMEDIATELY. It is so good. I think it will be perfect for houseguests, too, because it’s fairly easy to prep in advance and easy to cook.
- Greek Chicken Chopped Salad: We did not in fact eat this last week, so I’m putting it back on the menu.
- Slow Cooker Chipotle Chicken Tacos: The slow cooker is my best friend when I want to prep a meal without interference from others. “Oh, sorry! It’s already in the slow cooker!” is a good excuse.
- Soy-Ginger Pulled Pork with Tangy Sesame Slaw: Another slow cooker favorite! The only issue here is that I like to serve the pork/slaw on steamed bao buns, but I haven’t had great luck with steaming them myself. I wonder if I could buy some at a local restaurant???
- Takeout/Leftovers/Out: Since, as I mentioned, these houseguests sometimes have other plans, I will not plan any more than four meals. We can get takeout if there’s a night where we don’t have dinner planned, or my husband and Carla and I can eat leftovers, or we can all go out to eat.
Do you have any really weird kitchen/meal planning related issues? I am feeling SO ANXIOUS AND GUILTY about what an ungrateful control freak I am being. But please trust me when I tell you this is better than the anxiety and discomfort I feel if I relinquish control.
*pats seat beside me* Suzanne. SUZANNE. I feel this SO much. I do not think of myself as a control enthusiast but I cannot stand having help in my kitchen, unless it’s my husband or one of the kids. But I think I know what you’re talking about and girl, same. SAAAAAME. I love having COMPANY in the kitchen. Like, keep me company while I cut up the cauliflower. Great. BUT DON’T CUT UP THE CAULIFLOWER. And I am not a germphobic person but I have a very particular way I like the kitchen to be cleaned and again, my husband and boys can do this because they know how I like it and what (this is going to sound obnoxious) my standards are. But anyone else, no. So just KEEP ME COMPANY BUT DON’T DO ANYTHING is my request.
It has been years since my MIL visited me, probably at least a decade, and once she criticized the way I cut zucchini and it still floats into my head. “Sweetheart, let me give you a clue, this is too thick” were her exact words but the thing is, the way we cook is so different. I like my veggies to be hot-crisp when I cook them, but she cooks them until they are floppy and soft and I hate that. Since she hasn’t been in my kitchen for a decade, no big deal, but you can imagine how I’m feeling given she will be living next door. I’m pretty sure she will never be over for dinner because I’m pretty sure she hates my cooking but still.
Wow, I really made this about me. Anyway, commiserating over here because I feel this so much. I know people love to help but for god’s sake, the help I need is friendly chit chat and not actual help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES. This exactly. All of it.
I don’t **love** it, but I can make like Elsa on this particular issue. My main problem is that my oven is FILTHY, ad my drawers and cabinets are always a jumble, so I feel like other people maybe think our house is too gross to eat in after they have seen behind the curtain LOL
Ha – not dirty; well used! This is one area where I cannot Elsa my way through. I have tried!
We moved into our house almost 7 years ago and our oven has never been cleaned. Not a single time. I gave up caring a long time ago…
I can help! Send your guest over to my house when it’s time to start cooking;-)
😂 If only!
Is there some sort of task you can give them to make them feel useful that wouldn’t make you crazy?
The way I show love is acts of service so it is actually painful to just sit and watch someone prepare me food or do something for me without participating.
Could they set the table? Run to the store for fresh bread? Go in your garden and snip off fresh herbs? Poor drinks? If someone didn’t want me to participate in the cooking, I would leap at the chance for any of these things.
I totally get the “acts of service” mentality although I don’t think (though could be wrong!) that is at play here. And I have tried finding other tasks, but it is clear that the task of making dinner is the one this person would prefer to do. Maybe I am a terrible cook? This is what I have come around to thinking over the years – although I like what I make and so does my husband? At least most of the time? I hate that idea – that I am feeding people gross food – but I hate it less than relinquishing kitchen control.
I also prefer to not have help in the kitchen. We have an island in the kitchen so I will often suggest they sit down with a glass of wine and just keep me company while I do my thing. My exception to this is my mom because she basically does everything the way I do – because I learned from her! So I love her help in the kitchen! And they are the house guests we usually have. Good luck dancing the delicate dance of trying to keep the guest out of the kitchen!
Yes! Drink a cocktail and keep me company! But then I get comments like, “You are working so hard.” Which… I am just making dinner as I do every night?
This doesn’t come up for me because we never have houseguests– we have no extra beds that would work for guests (the bed in Noah’s room is a loft bed). When Beth’s mom comes to town, she stays in a hotel and we usually eat out. If we did have houseguests, though, I think I’d be self-conscious about my kitchen– the messiness of it.
Right? I am self-conscious of mine too — it’s MY kitchen and I see how messy/disorganized it is very sharply when other people are trying to figure out how to be in it.
I don’t love help in the kitchen either, mostly because I end up getting distracted and then have to manage something else (the other person) and not just focus in on the task at hand.
In general, I get very stressed out by company, especially if it’s overnight. If someone is just coming for dinner, I can pace myself and plan out food and unwind at the end. But overnight company really sends me over the edge. I love seeing people and it really is a unique experience when they stay because we can hang out in fringe hours (plus, it’s VERY expensive to get accommodations where we live because it’s touristy). I have one planned week of company this summer and will be cooking for 12 people (my little core family included). I’m STRESSED, but I likely won’t be able to ask for much help, aside from dicing veggies and prepping fruit. Things that can be done out of the kitchen even (i.e. at the table) and don’t require much oversight.
Whew! Twelve people is a lot of people!!! You will get through it, I know, but please feel all my sympathy beaming your way for the entire week they are at your house!
You and my husband can get together and talk about control enthusiasm. He actually calls himself a control enthusiast and it makes me laugh because he absolutely is. And, one of the places he’s most enthusiastic is in the kitchen. He has a lot of food issues (intolerances and allergies that add up to A LOT) and he barely eats what I prepare in the kitchen and honestly will NOT it if someone else has prepared it. Period.
(One time my SIL came to Thanksgiving with some gluten free cookies and she was so excited to tell us that our niece had helped make them and he was disgusted. A CHILD HAD TOUCHED IT. I laughed and laughed because he spent the entire day diplomatically not eating a single cookie.)
Anyway. No advice. Just letting you know that you’re not alone. You like your kitchen how you like it and that’s fine! When I have guests who want to help, I give them jobs like setting the table or arranging flowers or getting down serving dishes from tall places. They don’t get to be involved in food prep. (I, personally, wouldn’t mind if guests helped, but I am married to a control enthusiast, so it matters more to him, so his preferences are the ones we follow.)
I feel like if I had issues with food that could wind up making me sick or dead, I would OF COURSE be a control enthusiast, so I think your husband gets a pass. (I am just weird and picky.)
The thing about the kid making a cookie though! I empathize with him SO MUCH. Have you ever seen a child (most children) make food?!?! Especially cookies? I would not be able to do it either. I admit to having avoided eating cookies that my own child made (because she made them in the presence of someone whom I know would not care if she stuck her fingers in the batter, and then maybe licked her fingers, and then maybe stuck them back in the batter) (these things DO NOT HAPPEN when I am supervising my child in the kitchen) because I find it gross. Your husband and I can be control enthusiasts together, eating our own food that we prepared ourselves.
Oh, I think I understand what you’re saying. They can’t take “no” for an answer? Because, well, GAH. That is someone who has no concept of boundaries, and I understand your predicament because I have difficulty putting people in their place.
This is all to say…you’re not alone. 😘💕
YES. It is so hard interacting with a person who has wildly different boundaries. Thanks for the commiseration!
Of course. 😘
I empathize!! It’s tricky. My kitchen is so small that even having one additional person in there makes any prep work a challenge. My husband and I have the dance figured out, but when it’s a guest? It’s too hard. It makes me feel anxious, for sure. I wish I could just relax and go with it, but alas.
I do think it’s a little odd that someone coming to your house thinks they MUST prepare a meal for you. I would never assume someone wanted that! (I mean, I’m presuming it’s a close-close relative but maybe not a blood relative…wink… so I get the underlying circumstances. But still!)
The dance! Yes, exactly! Our kitchen is, I think, a fairly decent size. But once you have more than one person in there, it starts to feel crowded very quickly. I am always saying, through gritted teeth, “Please move to the other side of the island.” ARGH. (WINK WINK INDEED.)
You are not weird and picky to feel this way; I think most of us are control enthusiasts in our own way about various things. The problem is this beloved person wants to help. Which is lovely; but if it stresses you out then it is not helpful or lovely. And I don’t have any answers as to how to make them understand that. Maybe you could just do what my husband does, and jokingly yell, “Get out of my kitchen!”
He is not usually saying this because people are trying to help; it’s just that they are in his way as he’s trying to cook.
I love that your husband yells that, and I wish I could adopt the jokey tone that would make it sound charming and friendly rather than semi-hysterical, which I’m pretty sure is how I come across.
This is a tough one! I can’t stand to have people help me in the kitchen, but it’s mostly because my kitchen is so small- having someone else there is just a nuisance. But I get it- some people don’t have the same standards of cleanliness- and in their defense, what they’re doing is probably perfectly fine because they’re still alive. Case in point: when my son’s friend was here, we were in the kitchen and a dishtowel fell on the floor. He picked it up and hung it back up TO BE USED AGAIN! Nooooooo! Towels on the floor are definitely DIRTY. One night he cooked us a meal, and now I’m wondering what else might have gone on during that food prep that I was unaware of. Again, no one got sick so I guess it’s all fine. But I can see where you’re coming from. You’ll have to give us an update and let us know how it all plays out.
I’m thinking of trying that sheet pan tandoori chicken and cauliflower, but subbing tofu instead (and a vegan yogurt.) It sounds really good, and the recipe looks easy.
He hung up A USED DISHTOWEL?!?! That would set my teeth on edge! My big thing is hand washing. My husband, daughter, and I all wash our hands immediately upon entering the house from being anywhere, and then we wash our hands frequently… especially if we are going to handle food. But A LOT OF PEOPLE don’t do that! Also, I really dislike shoving a hand into a bag of something that isn’t a single-serving. Like a bag of chips or a bag of nuts or a bag of shredded cheese. And yet so many people just shove their hand in — often unwashed — and take a handful, and then maybe eat from that hand and then shove the hand back in! The thought of all those germs squiggling around in there… YIKES.
I feel you! We have a tiny kitchen and it’s hard when people want to help because they get in the way! Also, I really feel uncomfortable having people cook in my kitchen as I know they probably aren’t enjoying it (because they don’t know where anything is) and also because they use things not how I would use them. For instance, I always chop on a cutting board and I never use a metal spoon on a metal pan and I hate hearing people do either of these things! We now ask guests to order us a pre-made oven dinner if they want to make dinner for us, but I know that’s not everyones thing. Or i just make a meal plan and if they offer to cook I say “oh maybe next time but thank you!”
I hope it works out okay for you!
Oh yes, I totally get having your very specific Way Of Doing Things. It makes me very uncomfortable to have people do it a different way in my kitchen.
I would just like to explicitly say that, all disclaimers aside (lovely, kind, thoughtful, etc), you are ALLOWED to not want help in the kitchen, and you are NOT being ridiculous to feel that way. The helper might be the Mother Theresa of helpers, but it really boils down to you drawing a boundary and them ignoring said boundary and doing what they want to do anyway, despite the fact that it causes you discomfort. This doesn’t mean that they are doing it in any sort of malicious way, but neither does it mean that you are ridiculous, or an ‘ungrateful control freak’- you are not being heard when you state something you need, so of course it makes you anxious. This is not strictly a “you problem” that you need to get over, even though you may wish that you could, and you don’t need to offer any excuses about why you are the way you are. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by wanting to be the only one cooking. They are also doing nothing wrong by *offering* to help, but should be backing down when you attempt to set your boundaries, not steamrolling you and overriding your stated wishes because they don’t think you mean them, or that they are valid. (NB: this is much easier for me to say/write to you and much harder for me to put into practice in my own life. Commisersations!)
Thank you, Kate. This was so, so kind and comforting.
Some nights I really like my time cooking to listen to a podcast and chop veggies ALONE! Then I feel annoyed when family members intrude on my space.
Two ideas that you could keep in your back pocket
1. Tell the guest you’d like to divide up the tasks. Ask the person to make one specific thing dish, e.g. a salad, and you focus on the main items.
2. Be upfront about preferring no help in the kitchen, e.g. ‘Thanks for the offer, but I am a creature of habitat. I work best when I prep the food’. If your guest still wants to participate, emphasize that some other tasks would be useful – setting the table, loading the dishwasher, etc.
I definitely could work on delegating more!
I will echo the other Kate’s comment above to say that ultimately, you don’t need to feel guilty or unreasonable for setting this boundary! How it actually goes down in practice may be a different story (and given previous interactions with this person, I think you should be prepared for this person to push back — which is THEIR problem, not yours, but helpful to be emotionally ready for it!). I would probably try to plan meals that require very little prep so there is less time spent in the kitchen to begin with (or, if you have time, prep ingredients like dicing vegetables/browning beef before they arrive and just keep in fridge or freezer), and try to redirect “helpfulness” in ways that don’t involve direct food handling, like getting drinks, setting the table, etc. And if all else fails, open a big bottle of wine 😉
Hahaha! Yes, wine is my friend.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, and I suspect you’re not as alone in this as you think. Especially if there is raw meat involved *shudder*. I also love the “just keep my company, don’t do anything”, except maybe some chopping. Our kitchen has the table right on the other side of the island counter, so it works perfectly, unless like you said, someone doesn’t respect boundaries.
I made pulled pork in the slow cooker last night, and got avocados because the last time Eve made it at school she was sad she didn’t have avocado and now SHE’S HOME.
I get very anxious with house guests, probably more around the sleeping thing than the eating thing even (I don’t like people knowing how late I go to bed and get up). Except my one friend who comes every summer and makes everything a hundred percent better rather than awkward and stressful. Good luck!
Once upon a time I wasn’t a kitchen control enthusiast BUT during a party when some well-meaning person loaded our dishwasher, lost his or her earring in it so that it broke the darned thing, thus requiring us to buy a new one [it was old, but] I became more controlling. House guests make my anxious too.
Wow. Yes, that would put an end to all desire for helpfulness!
Suzanne, I say this with Love because I genuinely care about you: Some days, it must be exhausting to be inside your head.
I have no issues with people in my kitchen, cooking, cleaning, etc…The only issue I generally deal with is Countertop Clutter. My inlaws, the kindest people on the planet, come with lots of food/cookies/drinks, etc., and it sits on my countertop for days while they are here. I have to Suck It Up for the sake of my family. 😜😳
I hope you enjoy your company and this sweet guest lets you have your way so you don’t stress about it all.
Awww Eve is home!!!! That fills me with such happiness for you both! And I am going to practice saying, “Just keep me company!” until I explode.
Do not feel bad, Suzanne. I am very particular about who I can tolerate in my kitchen and who I need to stay out of it. I like to do things my way. It’s not something to feel guilty about. It’s just what it is. I do hope the houseguest can be respectful of your boundaries. I understand that they want to help, but I feel like “imposing” on a host’s boundaries is rude.
As everyone else has said, your kitchen, your rules. The only person I would let in my kitchen is my mother, and even then, it would require wine and deep breathing…)
I hesitate to suggest this, but… could your husband run interference? Unless he’s a total pushover and then you’re back to square one…
Anyway – I am in Elisabeth’s camp with overnight guests. The best thing I ever did was rent a small one-bedroom apartment. 🙂