I have been having a hard* time getting into the Christmas Spirit, this year. We finally put up our tree this weekend, did some wrapping. Maybe that will help? I have been applying Christmas music – but sparingly, more of a gently waft of spirit in my general direction without further vexing the inner grump. I haven’t done any holiday baking at all – nothing for Hanukkah, nothing at all so far for Christmas. I am letting that slide because even thinking about it drives me further toward the grinch side of the spectrum. But maybe a nice batch of cranberry crumble bars would do a body good. I painted my nails in holiday colors, but they look like perhaps Carla did it. When she was three. With her left hand. My efforts leave a lot to be desired, it seems.
Well. Either the spirit will come or it won’t.
In the meantime, I have been steeped in self-loathing. I have had three (3) Super Awkward Social Encounters this past week alone, and I cannot stop thinking about any of them, and cannot stop berating myself for being a mere simulacrum of a human person, and not even a passable simulacrum at that, and cannot stop feeling like I should really never leave the house, and yet also I have two/possibly three social encounters planned for this week and am having to do Deep Breathing and Soothing Talk-Downs to prevent myself from canceling. (They involve Carla, otherwise I might give in.)
Encounter 1: Carla made personalized bookmarks for most members of her family. (Somehow we forgot two people, and I feel TERRIBLE about that, but I already shipped their gifts so I told Carla that she can make the bookmarks over her winter break from school and hand deliver them to the left-out family members when we see them this spring.) We took the first two to a local office supply store that rhymes with a group of syrup-providing trees to be laminated. And the lovely staff person who did the laminating refused to charge us for it.
We were properly grateful, I think, and mentally I figured that we would make it up somehow by coming back and laminating the rest of the group. Maybe two bookmarks isn’t worth a whole lot in terms of time or laminating supplies. But the rest of them, I reasoned, would require more, and we would insist up front on paying.
You know where this is leading, surely. The same staff person was there when we went back, and not only did she remember us but she asked cheerfully if we were back to laminate more bookmarks. And I said yes, and as she handed us the final product, I asked her what we owed her and she said, “No, I can’t charge that little girl for this.”
Well, A. The little girl in question was not paying. And B, I wanted to pay, so I insisted a little and she insisted back and then walked back behind the counter to help another person in the growing line.
When we got home, I called the store and asked for her name, assuring the person who answered the phone that I wanted to let her manager know that we’d received special service. And I called the number I found online and went through a tiny bit of rigamarole to talk to someone in customer service so I could leave a compliment. Here is where I assure you that I never told anyone that she’d given us something for free. As kind as it was, and as much as it endeared me to her, I think that her employer might frown upon it. I simply gushed about how kind she was, and how she treated my daughter’s art project with respect and reverence, and how she was prompt and efficient and friendly.
But I have been WORRYING about the whole thing ever since. First, that I accepted this service for free – not once but TWICE. I mean, I shouldn’t have gone back there, right? Did she think, when she saw us again, that we assumed we’d get another freebie?
And what if her colleague told her that someone called and asked for her name, and now she is worrying that I tattled to her corporate office about giving us something for free? What if she pre-emptively owned up to it and got into trouble? What if I totally ruined a very nice gesture that she made the first time and have soured her on doing anything nice ever again?
Encounter 2: Carla, as you know, makes the rounds of our neighborhood to see everyone’s dogs. Well, unbeknownst to me, she had been chatting with one neighbor about her cat, who sometimes sits in front of the glass door and looks out upon his domain and stranger children riding their bikes in search of his enemy. So Carla came back to me the other day, breathless with excitement: the neighbor had invited her inside to see the cat! It had to be inside, because the cat was an indoor cat. Could she go inside?
I mean, you KNOW that mind goes instantly to murderers. So I accompanied Carla to the neighbor’s house and then stood Extremely Awkwardly in her front hall while Carla played with the cat.
The neighbor was very gracious and lovely, but OMG. It was the absolute EPITOME of discomfort, because I felt that a) I had invited myself into her home, even though she nicely asked me to come in when I walked Carla over and b) I needed to make pleasant small talk, enough to allay some of the discomfort but also confirm to myself that she wasn’t a murderer. The thing is that I am terrible at small talk, and so there were long stretches of silence where we could both FEEL me evaluating her for murdery tendencies and where her desire for me to leave was EMANATING off of her. I got Carla out of there as quickly as possible, but she didn’t want to leave, and there was that thing — SURELY other parents deal with this dilemma? — wherein she was Acutely Aware that I was in nice mom mode, and I was incredibly reluctant to use a Mean Mom voice, and I wasn’t going to go deeper into the neighbor’s home to physically remove my child, which is of course nowhere near as easy as it was when she was two or three, so I had to wheedle and exercise patience much longer than any of us wanted.
It was horrific.
And then, because I have never met this woman before – or, at least, I have no memory of meeting her before – I asked how long she’s lived on our street… and she’s lived here longer than I have, and I have lived her for A DECADE. So I felt awkward for being so antisocial and unaware of my surroundings in addition to feeling awkward about standing just inside her door.
She is never going to talk to Carla again, so reluctant will she be at the prospect of having me join them. And poor Carla is going to ask and ask and ask about the cat and it will be my fault that she is catless, both at home (I am allergic) and with our neighbor. Ugh ugh ugh.
Encounter 3: Carla and I went to an after-school event put on by several moms, and they mentioned something and (I apologize for being vague) I responded in a way that was both blunt and also kind of passive aggressive. It was not a well-thought out response: it just flumped out of my mouth and onto the floor without thought or plan, and I could have been much more tactful about what I said, and also – the thing that really burns my muffins – is that I didn’t even MEAN to be passive aggressive. I was simply surprised that a thing I had thought wasn’t happening was in fact going to happen, and I expressed my surprise in a way that sounded like I thought it was A Very Bad Idea Indeed, when really I do not.
But the thing is, I said it the way I said it, and I said it in front of other parents who were not part of the immediate conversation, which of course makes everything worse. Once I had collected Carla, and come home, and sat down in silence for a few minutes, I was able to gather my thoughts and I emailed the organizers and apologized and spelled out my actual intention and apologized again. They were very nice and I think they understood and were fine with it. But of course I feel like an ASS. And then to put a nice juicy cherry on top of the whipped cream pile of my blunder, one of the other parents sent out an email to everyone who attended, praising the organizers and taking the position completely opposite to what I had. So not only was I an absolute jerk of a human, but people took note of my jerkery, and needed to Take A Stand against it – which is a kind, compassionate response! I am not faulting this person for publicly backing the organizers! – and it all just makes me feel awful.
WHY must I be the way that I am. HOW have I so completely forgotten how to have normal interactions with other humans. WHAT can I do to be less awkward, aside from holing up in my house and never communicating with people beyond my immediate family. WHEN will I figure it out, because it seems to be getting FAR WORSE with time rather than getting better. WHERE can I move because that seems like the best and only solution.
Well. I can’t say that spelling it all out has made anything better. But I’m hoping that, at the very least, these encounters will stop playing over and over in my masochistic brain.
* Listen, I know that it sounds so petty and dumb to be complaining about something so small when there is so much going on in our country and around the world that is Really and Actually Devastating. Please know that I am in no way trying to put my own tiny, lucky complaints up against anyone else’s. I am just blogging on my blog, about trivial and meaningless things, as I do. I think most people who stop here know that, and possibly – like I do – enjoy reading about the everyday ups and downs of people’s lives, and find it comforting and even a respite from The News, but I have been scrolling endless photos of neighborhoods and city centers flattened by this weekend’s tornadoes and I feel like I need to occasionally acknowledge that I fully understand my “worries” are nothing in the grand scheme.
This is me!
I’m an introvert (who does great with people I know/trust but act like a perfect fool around people I don’t know well; my best friend, on the other hand, could literally be friends with any other human within 30 seconds; perhaps she has taken pity on me?).
Your descriptions do not sound dumb and petty. Relationships are tricky, and I think our mental gymnastics before, during and after can be downright exhausting. How certain people (my father for example), can say something awkward around someone and then never think about the situation again boggles my mind.
The last two months for me have been partially consumed by navigating very tricky interpersonal relationships with people that are not that close to me (i.e. recent additions to my social circle). I just do not know how to read certain people…and it has been very tough. I have neither the energy nor the mental processing power to write about all the intricacies here, but suffice to say I have stories that almost perfectly match all of the above.
I, too, have felt it is much harder to get into the Christmas spirit this year. I’m doing the right things – we put up a tree, we’re playing the music and watching the movies but I’m…just blah about it all. I’m not sure if it’s a stage of life, but honestly I feel like a lot of this is fallout from COVID. Last year it felt nice to take a break from all the concerts and hectic life of Christmas activities, but this year it just feels sad. The kids seem quite happy with our holiday preparations thus far, but I’m not really engaged in it yet…and I’m dreading the new year in a way I usually don’t (again, I think last year it felt like the vaccine brought so much hope…and this year…it feels like there is going to still be a lot of tough stuff ahead).
Sigh. Onward and upward. Off to turn on my Christmas tree and try not to worry about that awkward conversation with my neighbour a few days ago. Sigh.
Suzanne – I FEEL you because my brain sometimes works the exact same way. Now this advice is something I will need you to repeat back to me the next time I am in the same situation (because I’d never think to tell it to myself). Re-frame the encounters to see what good might have come from them. That nice lady at the office supply store – maybe she got a bonus/raise based on your phone call. I am trying to teach myself that 99% of the time, I beat myself up for the smallest things that no one else even noticed (truth be told, I’ve got a long way to go).
And if you feel that you absolutely HAVE to move – we have a house around the corner that’s for sale. 😉
Yes, the news has been horrific and I know that you are not elevating your worries to compete with the destruction and devastation that’s happened – but your worries are your worries and you are allowed to talk/fret about them without judgment.
Sending hugs.
I also meant to mention that I, too, have not been in the Christmas spirit and was just thinking maybe starting the baking/candy making might jump start it (well, the spritz cookies could send me into Grinch mode – depending on whether the cookie press is cooperative). If nothing else, maybe a few sweets will sweeten my attitude.
Oh, I hear you. I’ve never been particularly graceful in social situations, but the pandemic made it worse. It’s like going back to the gym after an 18 month hiatus – moves that used to come easily through muscle memory now feel foreign, which is baffling and frustrating when I expected to pick up where I left off. Many of us are dealing with re-entry shock in social situations. Take good care.
I have seen so many references to the idea that we have had a VERY ROUGH and VERY WEIRD couple of years, and many of us are still feeling the effects of a high level of stress and uncertainty, as well as navigating social situations after an extensive and weird break—and many of those situations with masks and distancing, which make everything harder to say and understand and communicate and so on. So my hope is that when it feels to me as if I am BUMBLING EVERY TIME I TRY TO TALK, that I am not alone. Which means I found this post quite comforting, especially because it is so much easier to see the “No, no—this was FINE!” angle when it’s someone ELSE’S fret.
I can very much relate to your interactions. I am an introvert and while people (that know me) always say that I am “not shy/awkward”, I definitely feel that I am with people who don’t know me and I am constantly evaluating how my behavior is perceived. But hey, you know what: I think it’s actually true that MOST other people don’t even notice or think about what I say or do as much as I do. Ha.
Oh, hugs Suzanne. I think these things are always worse when you think about them when they actually happen, if you know what I mean. I remember being at a party and having a conversation, and later a woman emailed me to apologize for something, and it didn’t occur to me that there was anything to apologize for! I bet those women feel that way too. xoxoxo Also if I was that cat lady, I would have expected you to hang out and make sure she wasn’t a murderer, I think anyone would! I bet it is much worse when you think about it than it actually is, and I hope that makes you feel better. xo
I think we all have our awkward moments, but I can certainly identify with fretting about them afterward.
It is SO hard to make myself believe that no one notices my details as much as I do. I definitely have some situations that I look back on, long after, and think, why did I say that?! And I’m 95% sure the people involved have forgotten all about it.
In a way, it’s like when I worry about what I should wear to an event, and it seems so fraught beforehand, and then after, I try to remember what anyone else was wearing, and I often can’t, so chances are no one noticed what I was (or if they did, they didn’t THINK about it). It’s so hard to turn off the worries, though, isn’t it? You are not alone, is what I’m saying.
1. I ordered a Harry Potter Lego advent calendar for myself in October. I have never had an advent calendar before and I’m finding it quite fun to have a little treat at the end of each day. I think next year I’m going to order an advent calendar for my closest friends based on their interests because it is really the only think that makes me think “most wonderful time of the year” despite putting up the tree and lights and wrapping and doing the things. Is there a special treat you could give yourself every day like that to try to be more in the spirit?
2. I think calling the store and telling them that you received great service was a wonderful thing. People almost always call to complain, not to compliment. You didn’t say she gave you free services, so I think you’re in the clear.
3. I’m sure the neighbor with the cat was just happy that Carla was playing with her cat. Small talk is not for everybody and I’m sure she understood. I also love that this interaction really demonstrates that you just don’t know who you’re going to get when you have a baby. You’ve lived near this person for years and never knew her, but Carla knows her well enough to know about her pets! Aren’t genetics a strange and mysterious thing?
4. You were so much more mature than I would be in a situation like this. You realized that the tone used might be misinterpreted and immediately sent off an email to rectify it. I’m not sure exactly what you could have done differently? We all do foot in mouth occasionally, right? No need to beat yourself up – you reacted in a thoughtful way!
Hmmmm sounds oddly familiar… almost as though we are the same person! I absolutely hate small talk and assume any grown person who wants to talk to my kid is secretly planning her demise. How can we not in the world we live in? It’s also very awkward to be a mom and have to tag along with the kiddos to play dates, or wherever the sun leads them. I absolutely dread it and generally end up babbling awkwardly then I suddenly start staring into space. You’re not alone at all 😅
You know, that framing every interaction for the negatives instead of the positive and being so hard on yourself afterwards is SO familiar.
But Your perceptions of the worst possible outcome or interpretation each time can’t possibly be the truth- the best possible outcomes are also possible! The truth is generally in between somewhere.
Retail chick- having been on the receiving end of such things in retail it’ll come out at a staff meeting in a month and not get linked back to your interaction, and makes her more likely for a raise in the future.
Cat lady was probably so happy to not have to fill all the seconds of the Carla visit with small talk. You know that woman was an introvert too so her uncomfortableness was at herself, not y’all. How do I know? Because she’s lived on the street for a decade and never talked to you! You don’t have to do all the heavy lifting here- you haven’t talked to her, she hasn’t talked to you… equal introvertedness being overcome in that interaction! She probably pushed herself outside of her own introvert comfort zone and is thankful she did.
And the mom at school thing… so I have a group of those moms at pickup when we all stand around and I am SO not the goody goody PTA mom type nor do I much care for them but I accidentally dropped an F bomb in polite conversation with the whole group once that landed like a lead balloon and felt terrible about my choices… but 2 moms on the edges of the main group now stand and chat at pickup with me and we joke about who did the least amount of hair and makeup, drop the occasional F bomb, and when one mom got complimented on her dress one day by a teacher walking by she said thank you and then turned to us and deadpanned that it was her nightgown and she hadn’t changed all day. And he’ll, sometimes those PTA overachiever types could use a smidge of a reality check to their put-on perfectionist theater.
Being yourself in the world is allowable and if not everything goes well or if people don’t get you… that’s okay!
You’re awesome- know how I know? Because we all like you and read your blog. You’re doing better out there than you think, I promise.
And we all hyper analyze… know how I know? Because I’m being so self-judgey for leaving the worlds longest comment and worrying you’ll find that annoying… talking myself off the ledge there- but good lord don’t we all do it! Lol
Oh man, we might be the same person because I am also someone who can be so awkward in social situations and say things I really don’t mean to say, and then fret about it for the rest of my days.
I think the situation at the office supply store (I am embarrassed how long it took me to figure out which store you were referencing) is probably okay! Like NGS said, they probably never get people calling to gush about their employees! Hopefully it made her day. And even if she did come clean about letting Carla laminate those bookmarks, I doubt anyone is even concerned. It’s probably pennies to them!
I hope Carla is still invited to pet your neighbor’s cat! I am sure you were much less awkward than you expected – in fact, your neighbor might be worried SHE was the awkward one and you never want Carla to come over again. That’s something I always try to remind myself about.
As for the PTA encounter, we all say things we don’t intend and the fact that you owned up and apologized is super important. That’s all we can ask of ourselves – and those around us! <3
Anyway, this is all just echoing what other people are commenting but I just want to say that this post made me feel VERY SEEN and I hope you can take solace in the fact that we're all just bumbling around in our lives, making fools of ourselves regularly. 🙂
I am behind in all things, but here I am. At last. Oh goodness. I do hate awkward moments like the ones you describe. I believe that you feel worse about them than anyone else who encounters them.
I would assume that the book mark girl was praised. The end.
When the boys lived with us for 3 months, we met neighbors who were surprised we’d lived here as long as we have. Their kids are younger than ours. No crossover. No was not insulted when they were like YOU’VE LIVED HERE LONGER THAN US? I just figured no cross overly things to have brought us together.
Oh brother though, when a child doesn’t want to leave and you do, well so annoying.
I think the email you sent probably clarified everything in the last example. I would not worry about it.
There is always devastating news and circumstances in the world. The tornados were so horrible and unrelenting and close to where we live that the situation hits close to home/close to our hearts. I know how difficult it is to know that and carry on with our normal here in the area that was untouched, but it is also OK to do just that. Not sure that sentiment sounds as understanding as intended, but I understand and I believe most people do.
THANK YOU for this post. I cannot even bear to type out the details but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I have had an interaction lately with someone who does not live in my house it is TERRIBLE and I SERIOUSLY REGRET ever leaving my house and making contact with another human being. I go over and over whatever stupid thing I said and find myself thinking that it really wouldn’t be so bad to never leave the house again. *virtual fist bump of solidarity*