Last night I woke up at 4:00 and then couldn’t fall asleep, my mind was jumping around from fret to fret so vigorously.
Then, of course, once I managed to finally still the thoughts enough that I could sink back into sleep, I had a terrible nightmare that involved someone from my past (that sounds more mysterious than it is; it was a boyfriend from high school) called me under the pretense of asking me to walk his dog (how did he get my number? why was he in my city? why am I thinking about this person I haven’t seen in TWENTY YEARS?) and then told me he’d seen me at a museum recently and couldn’t stop thinking about me (doubtful, on both counts), and then I hung up, all creeped out… but when I went to the grocery store, he was there and tried to shoot me. SO. Not the most restful night.
The thing I am fretting about most energetically is that parents are expected to attend a welcome meeting of some sort during Carla’s first week at the new school. It is a 30-minute meeting. And it is for parents ONLY. Which means that we have to find childcare for that 30-minute window. It sounds like the school is offering childcare during two days of the week. However, my husband is only available on the one day at the one particular time. He had to arrange months ago to clear his schedule for this day. (The only reason he did so was because it was Carla’s first day of school, and we both wanted to take her. We only just yesterday discovered that there was this additional welcome meeting, so he and his assistant scrambled to reschedule the patient that was scheduled for the slot during the meeting time. Which makes him – and me – feel guilty. Why should schooling trump a patient’s health needs? ARRRRGH.)
There is exactly one (1) person I know whose child is attending this school, so I suggested we coordinate times so we could watch each other’s kids. But she is unable to do that. One of my friends kindly offered to do it… but she lives 30 minutes away in either direction and has never met Carla, let alone sat for her. I don’t know ANYONE who babysits during the day. Our two regular sitters and our backup sitter ALL have day jobs. My last resort may be asking our next door neighbor if she’d be willing to come over and sit in our house while Carla watches television for an hour. But THAT makes me feel like I’m imposing or overreaching our very casual neighborly relationship. So I guess really I may have to impose on the friend who offered, which stresses me out for OTHER reasons. (Too much time in the car, logistics issues with Carla’s school day and then getting her to my friend’s house and also finding time to give her lunch in that window and then getting back to the meeting on time. ACK.)
In addition to feeling stressed out by not knowing what to do with Carla, I am feeling really bad about myself. Carla is THREE. Why do I not have a network of friends I can turn to? I don’t even know how to set up a play date because I have never done it before. Why have I not been friendlier with our neighbors, so that I would feel more comfortable turning to them? This is a MAJOR DISADVANTAGE to being my style of introvert (i.e. the style who is a loner). Despite loving our city and having very good reasons to be here, I am having wailing/sob-filled thoughts about why did I ever agree to live so far away from family?!?!
This all makes me feel very cranky and grouchy – which I am directing at the school, which is dumb. It is dumb to expect that two weeks’ notice isn’t perfectly adequate for most people to make or change plans. It is dumb to expect that the school provide childcare beyond the very reasonable accommodations they have made. It is dumb to keep saying, outragedly, to anyone who will listen, “What if I were still working full-time? What would I have done THEN?” because I am NOT and because certainly other parents ARE and yet are no doubt figuring out how to deal with this without being babies about it. It is dumb to expect that my particular situation (self-inflicted, nonetheless!) should be addressed by a school that cannot possibly address the specific, individual needs of each student and parent. And yet, I STILL feel cranky and grouchy and complain and resentful, and in fact if you were here with me now I would complain about it until you felt deeply regretful that you’d come over in the first place.
Let’s recap: I am feeling frustrated at the school for not providing childcare OR allowing kids to join the meeting OR giving us more than two weeks’ notice so that we could have arranged my husband’s schedule differently… and I am feeling anxious and self-pitying about not having developed a network of people to turn to in these types of situations… and I am feeling annoyed at myself for being so completely THROWN by this stuff – surely, surely many of the other parents are feeling the same way and/or are DEALING WITH IT without so much hand wringing… and I am feeling fretful that this bodes poorly for our future with this school – am I going to go through YEARS of feeling resentful and frustrated?… and I am feeling MAD at myself for reacting like a Special Snowflake/whiny, pouty baby who should be catered to individually rather than just Finding A Solution. ARRRRGHHHHH.
And of course on top of this I am waiting for the ex-boyfriend of twenty years ago to contact me out of the blue and/or gun me down at the grocery store. YAY.
This is normal, right? Everyone feels grouchy and resentful about school stuff, yes? We will SURVIVE it all, right? RIGHT?
Yes, everyone feels grouchy and resentful about school stuff! You are not alone! I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but I wonder if you could attend the meeting alone and just have your husband stay home with Carla. Or the opposite: he could go to the meeting and you could stay home. I would assume that both parents of each child don’t necessarily need to go, although it’s totally understandable if you both WANT to.
Oh this would be SO NICE. And maybe it IS a real option! But I mentioned it to my mother-in-law and she shook her head definitively and said, “Oh no, you both need to go.” Perhaps I should… consider that a suggestion rather than LAW?
Unless your mother-in-law is offering to babysit you should ABSOLUTELY consider it a suggestion, which you should ignore. (As a teacher for about as long as you have been alive, I always thought it was just fine as long as one parent showed up)
This made me laugh.
I have become very good friends with my neighbour once I realised one of the things that turns acquaintances into friends is asking for support! But one of you has to ask first. An hour watching tv with a toddler is a doddle. And the worst she can do is say no!
School Years = stress for all concerned!
Have you thought about contacting local day nurseries for details of qualified staff who do babysitting on their days off?
We have similar meetings at our (small parochial) school and I remember the first year I thought these exact thoughts. What will I DOOOOO with the kid while attending this meeting?! Turns out, a) only one parent is FINE, and b) lots of other parents actually BROUGHT their kids, but just made them sit in the hallway (with a book…ok, a device) during the actual meeting – the teacher closes the door. Don’t know if that’s an option at your school but whew, was it a lifesaver for me. Good luck!!
I’d ask my neighbor, because that is how people become more neighborly, But i also feel confident that there will be at least one family that brings a child. I would just bring her and ask for forgiveness, because there was a childcare situation. Which you have, since you don’t have anyone available to watch her.
I would echo your other commenters. Either bring her or go without your husband. The school will have had experience of dealing with families just like yours and won’t be surprised either way.
I didn’t have ‘mom friends’ for support by the time my daughter was 3 either. But I made some great friends once she started school. Cultivate these friendships and they can turn into a great support community for you all.
Mist importantly – try to stop worrying that you are different to all the mum’s that have gone before you. You really aren’t!!
It would probably be better if one of you went and one stayed home w/ C. Preferably, you should go since you’ll be the one handling school stuff the most! Teachers would rather see one parent than both & the child (tho some will bring children anyway)! Do what makes you most comfortable!
I didn’t figure out a playdate/network thing until my first kid was in school: that’s when I first started meeting other parents. Even since then, it’s been extremely challenging to find anyone I’d ask to swap babysitting with. It’s a particular thing, and not a failing if you don’t luck into it.
My solution for no-kids school stuff has been that one of us goes and the other one doesn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever been to one that was interesting/important enough for the other parent to fervently wish to have been able to go. I’m always Very Annoyed at the school (also for the “kid and parents only, no siblings” things), but that’s how we deal with it. There are always some couples there, and quite a few other singles. And, annoyingly, quite a few couples who brought kids anyway. (I give benefit of doubt to singles with kids: maybe they’re single parents and literally had to bring the child.)
You are definitely not the only one! I did the exact same thing with a meeting for incoming first-grade parents last year. We’d never had a meeting that required parents and no kids before! And I went on and on about HOW do people even DO this. WHAT is this school EXPECTING.
Then we got to the meeting and…yeah. Most families had sent one parent while the other stayed home with the kids. I felt exceedingly stupid. Some things you figure out as you go!
(Not that my situation is the exact same as yours! That’s the problem. You don’t KNOW until you get there. I’m not saying you should feel stupid like I did 🙂 )
Ugh! I just wish there were a way to KNOW instead of having to go THROUGH things to figure them out! That’s what the internet is for I guess, right? 🙂
We just send one parent and have the other parent stay home with kids. I usually go to all the meetings, since I am generally the one dealing with all the school stuff.
We have moved around a lot, so when the kids were younger I frequently found myself in a new state without knowing anyone. I would usually go on sittercity.com or craigslist, find a few likely babysitter candidates, interview them, and the one or two I liked I would have come and babysit the kids a few times while I was home. (I would do housework, read a book, whatever.) Yes, I was paying money for a sitter and not leaving the house, but that way I wasn’t leaving the kids with a stranger, and I got to see the sitter in action.
Making mom friends and having playdates and swapping babysitting gets much easier once the kids are older and in school.