One of my lovely readers emailed me for some wedding advice.

Okay, in all actuality, she said something like, “I’m getting married in 23 days! If you have any last minute advice, I would love to hear it!”

Which is not technically the same thing as asking for advice… But I’ll take it!

If you are engaged or have been married, I’m sure you’ve heard all the mushy-gushy advice, like “Remember that this day is about the marriage, not the wedding,” and “Even if things go wrong, you’ll still think your wedding day is the best day of your life” and “Don’t get all worked up about minor things.”

Blah blah blah. I mean, it’s all true, and I tried really really hard to follow that advice. (Especially the part about not letting the small things get to you. Like the fact that our cake was crooked. And someone-who-will-not-be-named did not program our first-dance song into the iPod. And someone-else-who-will-not-be-named made us late for photos.)

In fact, let’s not go there. Because the day WAS wonderful, and at the end I was married to my best friend. (Plus, if I start thinking about the little things that went wrong? I get upset and my face gets all squinchy and I REALLY do not need extra wrinkles thank you very much.)

Of course, when I responded to my nearly-married bloggy reader, I gave her some of the sappy advice. The advice that most worked for me, which was to remember to pause throughout the wedding day, to take in my feelings and all the details so that it wouldn’t all blur together in my memory.

It worked. I remember how my nerves were buzzing like an electric fence until that first moment I saw my husband. I remember how my mom’s hands trembled just a little bit as she helped me don my (clip-on) earrings. I remember the nervous tremor in my friend’s voice as she read the passage from History of Love during the ceremony. I remember listening to my pastor’s voice during the sermon, looking out the window of the chapel into the snow and the fading sunlight, squeezing the hand of this man who was minutes away from being my husband, and feeling my body fill up with love and light and pure joy.

Ahem.

Anyway. That’s the sappy side of the wedding day. Believe me, I love the sappy side of things. I am The Queen of Sap.

But I wanted to give some additional advice.

The wedding advice you won’t hear anywhere else. The secret underbelly of wedding advice.

You know you wanna hear it. So here goes…

1. You know, I was going to limit this to gals with strapless dresses. But I’m gonna go ahead and extend it to everyone: Tape your boobs into your dress.

And make sure you do this right away, preferably before the ceremony, but definitely before you try to hug people in the reception line because if you do not? You will flash your father’s best friend. Also? Do it in a bathroom that is not open to every single woman attending your wedding, including your mother in law.

P.S. Duct tape does wonders for “bra overhang” (aka “boob fat”).

2. Designate a specific person to help you go to the bathroom. Prior to the wedding. That way, you will not end up in a tiny stall with four different people throughout the night, including but not limited to your mother and your father’s business partner. (His business partner is a woman, just to put your mind at ease. She is also a Medical Professional. But that made it no less embarrassing for me to tinkle as she crouched there beside me, covered in the many layers of silk-satin and tulle that she was holding away from the loo.)

3. No matter how much you like garlic, do not eat a bowl full of pasta covered in crushed garlic and mushrooms at your reception. Trust me. You do a LOT of kissing and hugging and dancing and talking at those reception thingys. And you do NOT want to forever be known as The Bride Who Breathes Garlic Fire.

4. Likewise, no matter how much you enjoy a good tequila shot, do not allow your wedding party to ply you with P@tron shooters all night. Despite the fact that you may inexplicably NOT get drunk, your father will never ever ever let you live down the fact that half of the open bar bill went to high-end tequila.

5. If you are a modest person? Just go ahead and elope. Because not only will:

a. All your bridesmaids watch you shove your nude, shivering body into your dress…

b. Your father’s best friend accidentally see your boobs whilst you are trying to give him a hug…

c. Your wedding planner manhandle your boobs into about half a roll of duct tape…

d. Your mother-in-law and several of her friends walk in on said boob-wrangling…

e. Your mother, maid of honor, college roommate, and father’s business partner listen to you tinkle from about eight inches away…

But also, your brand new husband will have to UN-TAPE YOU at the end of the night. If that’s not romantic, then I don’t know what is.

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All right, all you married folks. What is your number one piece of wedding (not marriage) advice?