One of my lovely readers emailed me for some wedding advice.
Okay, in all actuality, she said something like, “I’m getting married in 23 days! If you have any last minute advice, I would love to hear it!”
Which is not technically the same thing as asking for advice… But I’ll take it!
If you are engaged or have been married, I’m sure you’ve heard all the mushy-gushy advice, like “Remember that this day is about the marriage, not the wedding,” and “Even if things go wrong, you’ll still think your wedding day is the best day of your life” and “Don’t get all worked up about minor things.”
Blah blah blah. I mean, it’s all true, and I tried really really hard to follow that advice. (Especially the part about not letting the small things get to you. Like the fact that our cake was crooked. And someone-who-will-not-be-named did not program our first-dance song into the iPod. And someone-else-who-will-not-be-named made us late for photos.)
In fact, let’s not go there. Because the day WAS wonderful, and at the end I was married to my best friend. (Plus, if I start thinking about the little things that went wrong? I get upset and my face gets all squinchy and I REALLY do not need extra wrinkles thank you very much.)
Of course, when I responded to my nearly-married bloggy reader, I gave her some of the sappy advice. The advice that most worked for me, which was to remember to pause throughout the wedding day, to take in my feelings and all the details so that it wouldn’t all blur together in my memory.
It worked. I remember how my nerves were buzzing like an electric fence until that first moment I saw my husband. I remember how my mom’s hands trembled just a little bit as she helped me don my (clip-on) earrings. I remember the nervous tremor in my friend’s voice as she read the passage from History of Love during the ceremony. I remember listening to my pastor’s voice during the sermon, looking out the window of the chapel into the snow and the fading sunlight, squeezing the hand of this man who was minutes away from being my husband, and feeling my body fill up with love and light and pure joy.
Ahem.
Anyway. That’s the sappy side of the wedding day. Believe me, I love the sappy side of things. I am The Queen of Sap.
But I wanted to give some additional advice.
The wedding advice you won’t hear anywhere else. The secret underbelly of wedding advice.
You know you wanna hear it. So here goes…
1. You know, I was going to limit this to gals with strapless dresses. But I’m gonna go ahead and extend it to everyone: Tape your boobs into your dress.
And make sure you do this right away, preferably before the ceremony, but definitely before you try to hug people in the reception line because if you do not? You will flash your father’s best friend. Also? Do it in a bathroom that is not open to every single woman attending your wedding, including your mother in law.
P.S. Duct tape does wonders for “bra overhang” (aka “boob fat”).
2. Designate a specific person to help you go to the bathroom. Prior to the wedding. That way, you will not end up in a tiny stall with four different people throughout the night, including but not limited to your mother and your father’s business partner. (His business partner is a woman, just to put your mind at ease. She is also a Medical Professional. But that made it no less embarrassing for me to tinkle as she crouched there beside me, covered in the many layers of silk-satin and tulle that she was holding away from the loo.)
3. No matter how much you like garlic, do not eat a bowl full of pasta covered in crushed garlic and mushrooms at your reception. Trust me. You do a LOT of kissing and hugging and dancing and talking at those reception thingys. And you do NOT want to forever be known as The Bride Who Breathes Garlic Fire.
4. Likewise, no matter how much you enjoy a good tequila shot, do not allow your wedding party to ply you with P@tron shooters all night. Despite the fact that you may inexplicably NOT get drunk, your father will never ever ever let you live down the fact that half of the open bar bill went to high-end tequila.
5. If you are a modest person? Just go ahead and elope. Because not only will:
a. All your bridesmaids watch you shove your nude, shivering body into your dress…
b. Your father’s best friend accidentally see your boobs whilst you are trying to give him a hug…
c. Your wedding planner manhandle your boobs into about half a roll of duct tape…
d. Your mother-in-law and several of her friends walk in on said boob-wrangling…
e. Your mother, maid of honor, college roommate, and father’s business partner listen to you tinkle from about eight inches away…
But also, your brand new husband will have to UN-TAPE YOU at the end of the night. If that’s not romantic, then I don’t know what is.
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All right, all you married folks. What is your number one piece of wedding (not marriage) advice?
Hahahahahaaa….I loved this! Awesome, REAL advice.
Mine would be this: bring snacks in your overnight bag. You will barely eat your dinner or cake at your reception and will be starving by the time you make it up to your hotel room for the night. Eating carmel corn in the bathtub is highly recommended.
This is where our wedding planner really came in handy. We did passed appetizers and she told the waiters to take all trays directly to me and my husband. So we definitely got to eat.
But that overnight bag? SMART. I didn’t even think about it, but man would it have come in handy.
As an addition to #2, make sure that the person you designate does not get sloppy drunk and/or brings a glass of RED wine with them into the potty while they are trying to help. ::cough cough my maid of honor who spilled red wine on my raw silk wedding dress::
NO! That’s awful!! Did the wine come out?
I love this. I’m in the midst of planning an August wedding (in addition to coordinating a move to DC for three days after the wedding), so any advice (practical or sweet) helps now.
hahahahah! YES! this is such hilarious and useful wedding advice!
Great advice! Luckily, I had a private bathroom during my wedding so I could go on my own (my dress wasn’t that large). Also? My husband had to unbutton the 80 buttons down the back of my dress so I could get it off at the end of the night as well as help me find all the bobby pins holding my hair up. It was awesome. 🙂
I forgot about all those buttons! And the bobby pins – ACK. We had a little problem in our “honeymoon cabin” which involved no heat and no hot water, so I ended up shivering in the shower while pulling out those stupid bobby pins.
But that is another story entirely.
My #1 piece of advice is to remember that your wedding day is not the best day of your life. That myth puts a lot of pressure on you to enjoy every minute, and it is also depressing as many of us marry when we hopefully have another 60-80 years of life left. It would be awful to know your best day is behind you!
It’s going to be a great day – but not the best. Have fun!
Indeed. So much pressure.
I like to think of it as the best party of my life. But just one of many (hopefully!) best days.
This is a hilarious and informative post and I will be putting your blog into my Google Reader STAT. I would say my main piece of advice is also about food… Make sure you have an entire full meal in your “honeymoon suite” the night of your wedding INCLUDING CAKE AND CHAMPAGNE. One of my favorite parts of the night was being in the room stuffing my face in my wedding dress and drinking an entire bottle of chapmagne with my husband. Fabulous!
That’s a great idea! I wish we’d done that!
Um, highlarious. I am a member of the Itty Bitty You-Know-What club, so I had no worries re: boobage display. I can relate to the alcohol stuff, though. I was absolutely parched when I arrived at the reception and my best friend handed me a glass of wine, which I guzzled, and then someone else handed me a pint of Guinness, which I chugged. I wish I had drunk more water that night because I woke up the next morning with a wee bit of a hangover. Klassy. Wouldn’t change a thing, though!
As for advice, mine is to carry cash. I look like a drug dealer in some of my photos. But I needed those Benjamins because the bus we hired to take the bridal party and me to the church left without us and we had to hail a limo at the last second. Only got to the chapel 20 minutes late, though!
I am also, shall we say, flat as a board. And yet…
I think maybe the problem was my dress? It had cups sewn into the bodice so I didn’t need a bra… so I think it sort of moved independently of my body or something? Who knows. But even the less-well-endowed be warned!
As a bride getting married in 33 days, I want to know more about this duct tape. I have this problem because we lace up the back of my dress, so there is “boob fat”. haha.
I think this is good advice for us soon to be brides because all we hear is “Try to remember the moments” or “Just enjoy the day”. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard those….
Also, you and your dad’s business partner are now closer than you ever would have imagined…haha
Haha! Love #5! I didn’t need tape because I’m not particularly gifted in that area, but it was disconcerting to have about 6 people helping me get my dress on!
haha perfect advice!! i am getting married in six months and i will definitely review this list again right before so i don’t forget it… i have honestly never thought about the fact that my husband will have to undo all of those tiny buttons on my dress! 🙂
I just stumbled onto your blog and I love it! Okay, I have to ask why your wedding planner is so inexperienced with boob wrangling and duct taping that your boobs still made an appearance when you hugged your dad’s best friend? Eesh!
My advice: limit your liquid intake to avoid aforementioned bathroom debacles! I know this is an awful thing to tell brides, especially since they always say “stay hydrated” but whatever. I know my bridesmaids were secretly relieved! That and try to schedule your period to not show up during the wedding if possible! How much would THAT suck, if you not only had an entourage watching you pee but also dealing with aunt flo? Ugh!
Yeah, that little peep show took place before the boob wrangling. It was only at the reception that I confided my flashing worries to my WP. Then she took charge!
(Also – she was really good, but not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Why she didn’t offer me duct tape when I was getting dressed, I’ll never know.)
I managed to only need to go to the bathroom once, and it was before the ceremony began. UNFORTUNATELY, I had to strip down practically nude because my dress was too tight to be lifted up over my hips and EVERYONE in the bride’s room saw me come out of the private bath and get poured back into my size-too-small wedding dress. Sigh.
But thankfully I do not need duct tape, so I think I managed to prevent a show with my skinny little arm.
My best piece of wedding advice would be to drink as little alcohol as possible. Your wedding will go by SO fast. Seriously, someone will come up to you at 10:30 to tell you it’s time to cut the cake or whatever you have planned toward the end, and you’ll be WHAT?! How is it that late? I SWORE it was only 9! Everything is a blur. I’ve been married less than a year and only had two or three drinks over the course of my reception, but it’s still hard to really pull out memories. I would HATE to have been drinking more heavily/buzzed and have an even bigger blur.
That is all such great advice. I’m whole heartedly suggest the suggestion to get some food packed away. I was so insanely hungry that night, but our honeymoon hotel was a small b&b on the Oregon coast, and we couldn’t find a grocery store or a restaurant that was still open that night, so we just starved until morning.
Also, be zealous about getting pictures with whop you want to get them with. I had this great list of formal shots with family before the reception began, but I forgot to let my photographer know who was at the reception that was important for me to get pictures of/with. As a result i have several lovely shots of my parents friends that were there out of obligation, but very few of my friends or informal shots of family members who really matter to me. 5 pictures of a random kid, who I don’t know, but only one of each of my brothers. That kind of thing.
Comfy shoes for dancing are always a good idea, too. Just make sure they match your dress. the purple flip flops I grabbed from my Mom’s car after my feet were dying look awfully silly in pictures.
Yes yes yes about the photos. We had grand plans to go around to each table and take photos with every guest. Didn’t happen. But oh how I wish it had!
You are hilarious. Love it.
Love it… I think all the mishaps and quirks are what makes weddings funny… I mean lets be honest nothing in life is perfect, but really what do we recall and look back on with the most laughter and joy… those funny unexpected crazy stories in life… the time your mother burned the turkey and your daddy’s parents were coming for thanksgiving… those kind of things become family legend, and the source of joy and laughter and fond recollection for years… I would much rather have a real wedding flaws and all, then strive for this crazy perfect event, after which the only things that can be said were “it was perfect” and ‘it was beautiful” and “it went off without a hitch.”
Take a few minutes just for yourself in the morning to collect your thoughts, pray, and just reflect on the day that you are about to have because once the wedding things start you will have no time to think about anything! Also take a few minutes to say things to those closest to you – you will inevitable forget or not have time to at the ceremony and reception. I returned my promise ring to my parents the morning of my wedding so that they could it to my sister on her 16th birthday or save it for my future children. We had several minutes with just the three of us and it is such a sweet memory from the day – plus it helped to get out a lot of the tears before the ceremony.
You cannot make everyone happy. I think we spent our whole wedding pleasing everyone, but ourselves. I’d love to do it again, where I wanted, How I wanted. Because despite my greatest efforts, I still couldn’t make everyone happy and some still harbor bad feelings about it. 10 years ago. Still folks can’t be pleased 🙂
That is such a good piece of advice. One I wish I knew how to follow, just generally in life!
So sad that people let the whole wedding issue get so blown out of proportion that it can cause bad feelings and even rifts. A wedding is supposed to engender the opposite response!
My wedding advice is to designate someone as your official stain-remover-pen holder. Then you’ll know who to go to when you eat a chocolate chip cookie right before the ceremony and accidentally smear melted chocolate on your dress.
definitely have a kit of supplies and know how to remove stains from different fabrics (think: silk!).
things that I would put in a kit for my wedding if i could do it all over again:
-bug spray
-a how-to get bugspray, mascara, etc stains off of silk dresses
-lots and lots and lots of baby powder (granted, we got married in july in south carolina; every single one of my bridesmaids and me were smothered in baby powder–it was wonderful)
-bobby pins
-hairspray
-tissues
-crackers (eat before the ceremony if you don’t have nervous stomach too bad!)
-disposable camera (there were some kodak moments)
-cue-tips (for removing stains)
-club soda (for removing stains)
-liquid bandaid (blisters!)
-BOOB TAPE (which i did not have but soo so so needed)
-tampons (because someone is on and will forget)
-a contact number for someone at the place where the dresses were bought (for stain advice–i guess you can tell that we had some staining issues)
oh, and thank all of the people involved (even the caterers!). they packed us up a beautiful basket and gave my parents a discount because hubs and i literally did the rounds and complimented and thanked everyone!
that’s all i can think of for now. it was so much fun! i want to do it over again.
Maybe someday soon I’ll be getting married and I will forever remember the wise boob advice that you have given me. TAPE THEM IN. 🙂
LOVE this! 🙂
Thank-you Mrs. D!!!!!
Your stop-to-take-in-the-moment advice was recently reinforced when I watched the “Pam + Jim Wedding” episode of The Office, with their invisible cameras. So cute.
BUT this real advice is a whole other level – THANK-YOU to everyone!!! Will definitely be taping the ol’ boobs (sometimes strapless + small is more troublesome than strapless + big!). Also, I tend to forget to eat when I’m nervous/excited/busy so I’ll be ravenous at the hotel room that night… great idea for the snacks! AND the stain remover pen… brilliant. And the 2-3 drink rule. Geeze… I could go on and on…
I’ll make sure to take it all in, slow down, and enjoy the best “party” night of my life… No pressure. 🙂
AhhhhHHHhhh!!!!
Oh Pam and Jim… Their wedding episode makes me cry Every. Single. Time.
So excited that your wedding is coming up so fast!
I made it through our entire wedding without using the bathroom. 11:30 a.m. when I was getting ready to put on the dress to 9:30 p.m. when we arrived at our hotel. It never occurred to me that I needed to go. I’m not sure how this was accomplished since I drank a fair amount at the reception and I’m not usually one to hold it all day, but I consider this to be the miracle of the day.
My advice is to take all the pictures before the wedding and greet guests at the reception. This worked out SOOOO well for us and the guests were happy about not waiting around too.
Wow. You must be some sort of superhero!!
It sounds like your boobs were out all night lady. Ah ha ha!
Is that not normal????? 🙂
Oh I love this post!
My advice is to:
a. make sure you are the first in line for food so that you get to eat all the food you are paying for.
b. have comfy shoes to slip into at the end of the night when you still want to dance but the blisters are killing you.
c. Video your ceremony as there is a chance you wont remember all of it.
d. Get your bridesmaids something to drink before they walk down the aisle- they are nervous too!
There was not duct tape at my wedding… I guess my boobs aren’t big enough. I also didn’t have to go to the bathroom during the ceremony (go before you put the dress on!) and I changed out of my dress before leaving the reception… so I could’ve untaped there I guess.
My advice: Don’t get anything with color on your cake. Except maybe ribbon.
Seriously. My docile sweet husband had been coerced into shoving cake all over my face and dress by his evil brothers. There was raspberry filling… my dress had pink on it. Yes – I cried. And yes – he probably still regrets it to this day.
Other than that, just remember that you are the only person who knows all of your plans, so if something doesn’t happen (“I was going to have xyz, but we decided not to…”) you’re the only person who knows, unless you tell them. Guests are not going to ask about things that aren’t there. Wedding are so unique and personal now, that really the only thing required at a wedding is a marriage, and everything else you do is just a lovely bonus to the occasion.
Hah! This is awesome. I managed to get an awesome bra that held the girls in, so no need for duct tape needed here! My bestest friend helped me out of the not-sexy-bra and into the sexy bra before our big going away. That worked out well – support for the ceremony and reception, sexy underthings for the um, afterward thing.
First off, wear a dress that FITS. Don’t buy a size you WANT to fit in, get one that actually fits.
Second plan your wedding night and then don’t stray. My cousin collected rose petals for me and stuffed them in my bag. They ended up on our bed And we ended up at Wal-Mart due to my allergies. It. Was. Awesome. 🙂
Wow, thank you for the advice! I’m getting married in less than four months, and I wouldn’t have thought of any of this. Very very helpful. How do you handle the whole family driving you crazy with obsessive planning thing? That’s my current dilemma 🙂