The other night, my husband moved beyond his normal level of Awesome into some new stratosphere of Amazing.
And I kind of wanted to brag about it, so I got out The Twitter and started typing.
But he put the kibash on that right away. “Twitter doesn’t need to know that,” he said.
He was a little cross about it, to tell you the truth. Which is unusual for him, as he is even-keeled and cheerful 98% of the time.
I honestly couldn’t understand what the problem was. I wasn’t saying anything bad or demeaning or remotely embarrassing about him. (It wasn’t dirty either, get your minds out of the gutter.) He was going so above and beyond that he deserved more than just normal praise.
But he didn’t want me to do it, so I didn’t.
I did, however, remind him that I have a blog. And I do talk about him on said blog. (Although I think I do a fairly decent job of mainly talking about myself, and including him in stories sort of as a backdrop against which we can better examine some issue of MINE than anything else.)
He doesn’t read my blog, by the way. At least not with any regularity. I mean, the poor guy has to deal with me Live! And In Person!, so you can imagine that he wouldn’t be jumping all over himself to read my long-winded navel inspection.
He’s not prohibited from reading my blog. And I try to consider his feelings before I publish anything. In fact, I asked him in advance before I started talking about Operation: Baby. Because that’s a wee bit personal. (He was fine with it. I think he was probably glad that I stopped talking incessantly about it with him!)
But I was a little… thrown… that he wouldn’t want me to say something complimentary about him. I mean, what good are all the amazing things he does if I can’t share them with the world my 94 Twitter friends? (Oh right: yummy chocolate chip cookies in my belly.)
Aside from this blocked tweet, the only “issue” I can remember having was when I mentioned something a while back about having “fond thoughts” about an ex boyfriend in a post. And when I said “fond thoughts,” I meant “no bad blood.” I did NOT mean “ooey gooey thoughts” or even “nostalgia.” (My husband = infinitely better than any of the exes.)
But out of the entire post, that was the thing that stuck out to my husband. And I remember feeling TERRIBLE for not only writing something that bugged him, no matter how little… But that I published that thing on the Internet for the whole world my few hundred dozen readers to see.
He and I don’t have any prior agreements about what not to talk about. But I have a General Principle of Blogging, which is to share only my stories, and to include others only if they are peripheral or disguised. If I want to tell a story about my husband, or I want to blog about something that might be personal to him as well (like Operation: Baby), I will ask him first.
And if my husband didn’t want me to post about something, I wouldn’t post it. If he came across something on my blog that he didn’t like, I would delete it. Because it is his life, too, and he definitely has a say in how it’s disseminated to the masses.
Anyway, this little incident made me wonder about YOU. And whether YOUR significant other reads your blog or your Tweets or your Facebook page.
Does s/he read your posts etc. on the regular, or more sporadically? Do you have any standing agreements about Unmentionable Stuff? Does s/he have veto power over post/status topics? Have you ever had any Hurt Feelings or Shock at Subject Matter or Other Weirdness about something you’ve posted?
Do tell!
(Let’s try to stick to Significant Others and Their Feelings About Our Social Media Habits with this one. We can talk about parents and real life friends another time!)
Well, since my blog is in English and he doesn’t really speak it, he doesn’t read it either. I know he sometimes takes a look to see what I’ve posted, but he mainly looks at the pictures.
But I don’t talk much about my personal life there, so I don’t think he has anything to worry about. He has, however, stated quite clearly that he doesn’t want any pictures of him on my blog. Maybe one day he’ll change his mind, but for now, we’re sticking to that.
BUT he does want me to let people know that he’s the one who makes Spanish tortilla at home… not me. Even though I’m the one who blogged about it. 🙂
Also, on the subject of Facebook: Since we share a computer, sometimes we (accidentally) log into each other’s facebook accounts (if the other one forgot to log out). Most of our friends are mutual so we might not even realize it at first… but we’re both fine with it.
This totally caught my eye this morning, since my husband and I talk about this often. He reads my blog, but not religiously. I told him I don’t want him reading my posts BEFORE I post because I write the way I talk, and I don’t want him to interfere with that. But, like you, I do edit things if he asks me to. One time I was writing about him getting commissioned in the Navy and he proofread that post before submitting.
We had VERY different views about me blogging about my Postpartum Depression. I wanted to write about it while I was going through it, and he wanted me to wait. It was an ongoing argument for a few weeks, which ended in me respecting his wishes. Now, that I have recovered, I have started blogging about it, and he approves.
Fun post, thanks!
It’s definitely tricky to write with your spouse’s feelings in mind… but still write openly and honestly. A very thin line to walk!
My husband is very involved in my blog! It’s mostly about our home and the projects we do together, though, so it’s all content that interests him. Back when I had a wedding blog, he didn’t read it and he couldn’t have cared less what I posted about. He’s pretty laid back when it comes to that sort of thing!
If it’s something sensitive, I will approve it with him first, especially if it involves him at all.
Other than that, the hubs has taken to saying to me, “Don’t blog about this” when something happens – sometimes even sweet things he does – when he doesn’t want it on the blog.
Granted, he only reads my blog sporadically. I could probably get away with more, but I don’t. I figure, it’s his marital right, being married to a stream-of-consciousness blogger.
My boyfriend never said anything to me directly about what I could or couldn’t share but I already knew how he felt having his picture online so I asked him what would be ok. I never show his face or his real name online and since he is a rather private person I only share things about what we’ve done like going to restaurants but never about details of our relationship.
This was a little difficult for me at first because I am so open, I am a photographer and I love him deeply so of course I want to photograph him all the time but I love him more than photography and more than my blog so I will always do my best to respect his wishes/privacy.
Hubby and I have no agreement about my blog, BUT I would never write about anything negative about him. I also don’t use it as a passive-aggressive tool like “It would be SO NICE if I didn’t have to do ALL the cooking!”
I’m fairly certain he doesn’t read my blog. Every now and then, I’ll tell him to read a post if it has some cute pictures of our kids in it. But, it’s MY blog for MY thoughts and I generally keep my (amazing) husband out of it.
I love reading those little venty posts on other people’s blogs! And I think it would be so satisfying sometimes to write out exactly how annoyed I was when something annoyed me… But I think that would hurt my husband’s feelings, so I refrain.
That’s why I think I need a super-secret blog! Except, I’d probably forget the password…
I guess it’s kind of wrong that I feel like I can post whatever about my kid but have some boundaries with my husband. Meh, parent’s prerogative, right?
I mostly leave him out. And I know he doesn’t want me posting about how much he works. (Because no one realizes how much residents work??) I think he feels bad about it already and doesn’t want my online persona to be that of a virtual single mother.
I refer to him regularly but I don’t necessarily get into the nitty gritty. Someday we want to do a web venture together, a non-personal one, but for now he keeps his distance. I’m just glad he’s finally on FB.
That’s so interesting to me that he doesn’t want you to talk about how much he works. Complaining about residency is a big part of my blog! 🙂
Russ rarely checks out my blog…the only way he will is if I asked him if he saw a certain picture I posted or if his Mom mentions something to him. He’s fine with me doing my own thing. I can completely understand how that could possibly change within the next several years but for right now he’s fine. I think the fact that I have a small following (mostly family/friends) has a lot to do with it.
In regards to fb he doesn’t care – he just doesn’t want any embarrassing pictures posted of him, so if he knows I’m uploading photos he makes sure I don’t put any of him that are bad (although I’m often uploading my blog before fb).
So I guess I would have to say that he really doesn’t mind right now.
My husband knows about my blog and I think he reads it sometimes. Or at least scrolls it. But he told me when I started it that he wouldn’t read it so that I could complain about him if I wanted to.
Oh, but he hates it when I am overly complimentary about him too. He does follow my Twitter.
What is the deal with these men refusing compliments? Does it ruin their street cred?
My boyfriend seems to be the opposite. . . he asks me why I don’t write about him more! I didn’t even know he read my blog until recently, but I think its on a sporadic basis. I guess I didn’t really think that I wasn’t writing about him since, as many people mentioned before, my blog is about ME =)
He doesn’t have a Facebook (says it causes drama) or Twitter, or anything social media related at all, but I don’t have a problem with him reading everything I post. I try not to post embarrassing pictures, and would delete anything he didn’t like, but I’d like to think I have a pretty good judgment of what he would or wouldn’t like so we haven’t had to cross that bridge yet and there are no agreements on what to/not to post.
Also, I don’t post anything negative, because while my blog is for venting, it’s not for airing our dirty laundry and I wouldn’t want anything to come across the wrong way and upset him or give him bad street cred that he most definitely doesn’t deserve (and on the topic of street cred, maybe they don’t want to be seen as too soft and therefore don’t want TOO many compliments!)
Paul doesn’t read my blog: he is allowed to, but I asked him please not to, because I felt so self-conscious when he used to read it. But he MAY read it.
There are times, either after he’s said something silly or funny or done something lame, when he’ll say (either jokingly or seriously) “DON’T blog this!” or “Are you going to tell Twitter about this?”
I go partially Golden Rule with it: I imagine how I’D feel if HE had a blog, and I try to keep in mind how I’D want MY wishes respected. But this is only a general rule: it would be genuinely different if he were the blogger (in what he’d say, who he’d be saying it to, and how I’d feel about it), and also I go right ahead and bitch about him when I feel like it. So far we haven’t had anything where I wanted to blog it and he didn’t want me to, but if it came up, I would consider my own opinion as well: it wouldn’t be that he can veto anything for any reason. BUT—a lot of that is because my blog is anonymous, and no one in his circle knows about it.
My husband used to read my blog, but doesn’t anymore. The only thing he ever put the kibosh on was letting me post a picture of him sucking his thumb in his sleep (It’s such a cute childhood habit he slips into when unconscious. Unfortunately he doesn’t see the cuteness). Otherwise pretty much everything is fair game. He let’s me post the mushy, the ridiculous, the profane, and about his DUI he got as a young and stupid person. I’ve posted about missing ex’s and my friendships with them, arguments we’ve had (but hopefully not in a passive aggressive way), and everything in between. I think I have an unusually blog-permissive spouse though.
My blog is older than my relationship with my husband. When we first started dating, he found out I had a blog, and that was pretty much the extent of our conversation about my blog. I don’t limit him from reading it, of course, but he thinks of it as my personal space and he doesn’t read it. I self-censor, kind of similarly to Swistle, where I consider if he had a blog what would I think if he wrote it, but I have written many a woe is me my husband is careless post. Because it is my space, my little corner of the online world, and, as much as I love my husband, if I don’t get it out sometimes, he will feel my wrath.
My husband always reads my blog. He just likes to. And he likes when I write nice or funny things about him. One of my limits is that I try not to write anything that would embarrass him in front of his coworkers because some of them read it. And I don’t write about serious arguments we have.
I don’t write anything very personal on Facebook. I mostly use it to share pictures with H’s family.
My hubby actually reads my blogs – although he is behind….I think he keeps up better when I email them to him – so I do that…added him to the elite email group.
He never had a problem with my blogs…except I think one time and I cannot even remember what I wrote…he is actually the one who suggested I start blogging when I was a stressed out bride-to-be dealing with family problems (you all know what I’m talking about!)
But if my hubby or a friend I happen to mention have a problem with a blog, I do alter it. For example, I had to alter my “being Dru” post because there was a few sentences of more personal stuff about her that she didn’t want out on the World Wide Web.
It’s hard to remember how public blogging becomes and that it’s not only your secrets you’re mentioning. I guess if you try to keep it at the back of your mind when you’re writing and even more so when you’re editing, then I think you’ll be safe.
Yes – I like that point about remembering it’s not just your secrets you’re sharing with the internet.
Oh, great topic! My husband reads my blog. My blog has sort of evolved over the past year–I started it as a way of keeping in touch with my sisters about my kids, and decor-related stuff I was doing. Over the past year its become more design-oriented and less kid-oriented. Especially as my first child gets older, I feel like I don’t want his life splashed all over the internet or out there as fodder for teasing. I also find my relationship with my oldest child…oh, lets say challenging–and i don’t want a written record of complaints, because its not all like that.
My one rule is that I try to keep things mostly positive–I don’t want my kids or my husband to read something that might hurt their feelings. I might complain about my day and how I got stuck in traffic, but not about my relationships with other people.
The other thing I self-censor, which I wouldn’t really if not for my husband and my grandmother, is along the lines of Keeping It Klassy. For example, I once posted a picture of my toddler’s poop on my carpet and a funny story regarding said poop, and my husband requested I remove it. I’d also like to blog about that children’s book on Amazon right called Go The F*** to Sleep, because I have not had an uninterrupted night’s sleep in over five years and I think the book is a funny joke, but its not Klassy and therefore I don’t. My grandmother has also requested that I not call the town where we live Craptasticville, so I obey. Stuff like that.
Hahaha – Keeping It Klassy. Love it!
So crazy that you bring this up because at our little CT meet up the other night the gals and I were talking about this exact thing!
Here’s how ours works:
My hubs (SHOCKINGLY) reads my blog! And makes comments to me (99% positive) about it at random. I only discovered that he read it recently when he said something along the lines of, “well, when you wrote about BLANK in your blog, I didn’t realize blah blah blah.” At which point I stared at his point blank and said, “wait, you read my blog?!”
As for posts – he’s actually rather open to me posting almost anything, as long as I’m not being deliberately mean/overshare/etc. HOWEVER – I almost ALWAYS read the post out loud to him (which I actually think annoys him because I ask him to turn off the TV and to look away from his phone and listen to me only…although he’s never actually mentioned that it annoys him…but I am pretty annoying…so I wouldn’t be surprised….then again, maybe he’s so used to me being annoying that it no longer annoys him) and ask him if he thinks it’s ok to post. He’s never said “no” yet…but I’m sure a time will come.
On a funnier note, I was planting my garden a couple of weeks back and when I finished, all 3 of us (Peanut came too) came out to praise my hard work. Except I walked out with a camera. At which point he smiled and said, “Ah, that’s right…it’s not real unless it goes up on the Internet.” And I had to shrug because that’s true.
My hubs reads my blog occassionaly. He’s very smart about it. Some times if something is bothering me he’ll read my blog to see if perhaps it is the same thing that has been bothering me for days, or if it is something new. Not that I don’t talk to him about things, but some times I want a girl’s opinion (my blog = my girl time. lol).
We don’t have rules for it really. I don’t use his name, but only because I want to protect his anonymity, not because he asked me to. I don’t post about trips before I take them, and if I do then I don’t list the dates.
I think he realizes that my blog is like my free therapy. I’ve been keeping a blog for at least 7 years now, and he was one of my first readers. He doesn’t “follow” my blog now, but he does check it occasionally, and sometimes – like when I post about him – I tell him so that he is aware and can read it if he wants to. 🙂
Out of respect for my husband I don’t write anything about him that’s personal. In fact, I don’t really write anything about him at all *most of the time*. If it is a generality maybe. I also don’t tell other people his dreams which he feels are incredibly personal. That rates right up there with pillow talk, how much he makes, his religious views, and who he voted for in the last presidential election.
My blog is public and therefore there are different rules than perhaps a private diary. My son and spouse didn’t sign up to be showcased.
And no he doesn’t read it, he feels I would censor myself if he did, and he’s right.
So we have an agreement that I don’t twitter about him, I don’t blog about him.
Now I have been known when talking to my best friend to talk about him especially if I am pissed:)
PS – The other thing to remember, is that what you put on your blog you might as well put on CNN or The Howard Stern show. It’s going to be on the net longer than your credit report.
If anything you write will harm your husbands job, embarass him, or you, then think twice:)
My husb generally doesn’t read my blog. That being said, when he knows I’m upset about something (related to him or not), he reads it while I’m writing it. My words flow better through my keyboard than my mouth (most of the time), so he knows that I will often write out my feelings/thoughts before I will speak them (not that the post always makes it to “published” status on the blog, but at least it’s a place for me to get it out). He uses my blog as a tool to better understand me from time to time. That sounds horribly sad, I realize. My husband DOES know me well- better than the blog world, obviously. And I do COMMUNICATE with him VERBALLY. But there are times- not often- but times that I just can’t verbalize my feelings, like my mouth is sewn shut, and the blog- draft or published- helps me release the feelings bubbling on the inside. It’s at those times he uses the blog as a tool.
As for the content? If I think he might be sensitive about it, I run it by him first. Sometimes I have him read the whole post first. I take out anything he thinks shouldn’t be included, and I don’t post it if he thinks the post is too personal. Most things, though? He approves. He doesn’t mind me chattering on about him, or what he’s done/is doing/did- whether it was something awesome, sweet, or frustrating. His biggest NOOOO type things are anything he thinks might make him look like a terrible husband, which I’ve written one or two of those (at which point i learned this one qualification- did not know his feelings on this before I posted them), and always always follow it with a qualification about how he isn’t a terrible husband and why exactly that is. He knows my blog is my place. Public or not, it’s where I vent and share and whatever. I don’t publish embarrassing stories about him (though I’m likely to about me), nor do I use his full name ever- not on his request, but for my preference. My rule is if I question it after I post it, I should probably take it down (which I’ve done more than a few times).
As for twitter? He doesn’t care so much. We are actually pretty whatever type of people, and we’re boring, so it’s not like anything ridiculously scandalous or career harming would get out. So yea. There’s that.
My husband reads my blog and my Facebook but not Twitter. He’s not into that. I’m pretty sure what I post he’s ok with but of course if he wasn’t, I would delete it. Because you’re right, it’s his life too!
This is a great topic. My husband doesn’t read my blog, mostly because he doesn’t use the computer that much. But I think I would be self-conscious if he did. Not because I’m writing things there I don’t want him to see, but because…well I really don’t know why. He has been very complimentary with blog posts I have shown him. Oh well, my self-esteem issues are a mystery.
Anyway! He doesn’t really get the Twitter and “blog family” stuff. In fact, he often gets aggravated when I’m on my phone a lot and doesn’t understand why I’m glued to Twitter and blogs so often. I think he likens it to the old days of Yahoo chat rooms and creepers and stuff. But he’s getting more used to the idea as I explain it more to him. I do think it’s a hard thing to explain to someone who isn’t a part of it.
“But I think I would be self-conscious if he did. Not because I’m writing things there I don’t want him to see, but because…well I really don’t know why.”
I totally feel this way about non-blog people who read it. I welcome them, and it feels flattering that they’d want to read, but it makes me a little self-conscious.
Honestly, I don’t really ask Adam. I think that’s because most of the time when I’m getting personal it’s about me and my issues or feelings and not so much about him.
I do remember him being weirded out about me using his picture in the very beginning, but after about a week he was over it. Plus I reminded him that he never snaps any pictures, so all I have is pictures of him! 🙂
I do find that naturally I shy away from talking about our relationship in any deep way. I don’t talk about fights, but I have been open about some of our squabbles, so who knows. I always try to talk about him with respect, and he hasn’t asked me to take anything down yet, so I think I’m doing ok two years later.
Honestly I think it depends on the couple. I’m an open book, always have been, so Adam knew when he suggested I start a blog it was going to be open and honest. I think if he’d been worried about being too out there he might never of suggested I start this journey.
Great topic. I’m highly intrigued and will definitely ask Adam about this tonight…
Respect seems like it’s the key.
Yes – this: “I am honest when we’re fighting sometimes, and I’m trying to process how to be a better wife, but never in a way that is putting him down.”
Sometimes I do talk about fights or things that my husband does that make me mad… But only to illustrate my own self journey. (Wow, that sounds lame.) Because a lot of time I get mad because of my own faults, and that interesting to explore.
My hubby definitely has had an interesting ride with my blog. He likes that I do it. He likes that I find an outlet in writing. He’s not too sure if he likes our marriage being open for public viewing, even the really good stuff. But, I think he’s learned to say “Don’t put this on Facebook” or “don’t put this on your blog”. However, sometimes it comes out, “Oh God, are you going to write about this in your blog?” Which, of course, my answer would be “no. absolutely not.” I think another thing that he has a problem with is being jealous of the time that I spend on the computer at night. Even if he’s watching tv, the fact that I’m on the computer {even though I’m sitting right beside him on the couch} means that I’m not spending time with him. It’s just stuff we have to work around.
My husband used to read my blog but became upset when a reader left a comment that gently attacked him. Also, he is very private, and I love to tell everyone everything. I like to laugh at myself, make fun of my weaknesses and mistakes. He doesn’t. Initially (when I first started the blog) it was rocky for us to reconcile our differences, but since that comment, he has not read my blog again (more than 6 months ago). But, he continues to encourage me to write, I am guessing, because – similar to a comment you made in this post – he knows I get a lot out on my blog that I would otherwise be talking endlessly to him about.
I envisioned it all so differently. I pictured him writing guest posts about a resident’s life, and giving me ideas about things to write about…
Ya.
(I guess that shows how well I knew him last year when I started to blog.)
Another tough issue chez Magic… My blog is pretty anonymous (I’ve tried Googling all types of possible key words and my blog never comes up, which was the aim) so when my now-ex said he’d read it I knew it was because he’d been rootling about on my computer and found it. I was horrified because it was my one place for confiding to “people” (you have to bear in mind that almost no one reads my blog; seriously, almost no one). I’m British, I live in the south of France and, whilst I have friends here, they’re not the kind I’d confide in. My best friends are back in England and I’m just not a phone person. I use FaceBook, but try and keep it light and not too woe-is-me. But my blog? Well. I poured my heart out (in a dismally self-absorbed manner, but I don’t care, no one’s reading!). And when my ex lost his mind and started accusing me of trying to kill him, trying to poison our elder daughter, being a compulsive gambler, sleeping with guys I meet on the internet, wasting money…(all untrue, of course: my ex has some kind of psychiatric condition he won’t admit to and won’t treat. Relations are strained, to say the least), my blog was my only solace. And that’s when he found it (and went apeshit – changed all my passwords, sent insulting e-mails to friends..). And he left me about 2 weeks later.
Now, a year later, I’m at a place where I no longer care if he reads it or not. I suspect he does, but I don’t care. I say what I think about him and how he’s treated me, how I’m feeling, how angry with him I am, etc. I say what I think about his God-awful mother…
It remains anonymous, of course – very little to identify me, no photos (except of the cat), no real names…
Sometimes, my angry, horribly lonely and very bitter self HOPES he’s still reading so he can see how very much I now hate him for what he’s done and how much he screwed up my life, as well as how I’m starting, slowly, to come out the other side.
In the past, I did hesitate to write about certain things, but only because of his rampant paranoia (seriously), given that it’s so anonymous. Now, I write what I want. It’s poorly written, probably horribly dull for any poor schmuck who happens upon it, but it’s where I can vent, rant, express, feel.
I always give my significant other review of a blog post if it is particularly centered around him or an aspect of our relationship. But like you said, even in those cases, I try to keep it focused more on me — he’s in there for context. He has yet to reject anything or asked me not to publish any post, so luckily he’s pretty laid back about it, but I would totally respect his wishes if there was something he did not feel comfortable about. He does read my blog when it comes through on his phone, but he never actually clicks on it and reads it in the browser. For some reason, this bothers me! Thanks for the great post!
This post cracked me up. I have to beg my husband to read my blog…he says “I dont need to read it, I live it.” As much as he protests and acts like he doesnt care, he does sneak on it at work to show off pictures of our little girl and to download them for his computer. Since work, family, friends, imaginary friends, etc read, I do refrain from posting anything negative about him or any trials we are struggling with. Not that our life is perfect, I just feel that some stuff is better left unsaid and I dont want my blog to be a venting mechanism for myself or a husband bashing tool…especially when he doesnt have the opportunity to defend himself! ha! He doesnt usually care what I write about although some of his family doesnt want to ever be mentioned…my family is the opposite! They love to read about themselves through my eyes and get offended if I leave them off for too long! Dad even emails me with “suggested blog topics and pictures” so I know they love it!!
Chris reads all my posts and has only once objected to one that I ultimately took down (he didn’t ask me to take it down, but it did hurt his feelings, so I removed it. For what it’s worth, it wasn’t even THAT big of a deal…At least not to me! It was about my hatred for camping. Chris LOVES camping. Clearly.)
Anyway, he does NOT read my tweets, which is probably good, as I do a fair amount of complaining there. In my defense, though, I rarely tweet something that I won’t also tell him to his face. And, a lot of times, when he says/does something funny, he says, “Don’t go tweetin’ that!” but is usually kidding and if I’m not sure, I’ll confirm he was kidding and ask him if I can tweet something.
Something that’s annoying, though, is that one of his high school friends is now following me on Twitter and called Chris the other day and left a message “yelling” at him for something that I had tweeted. (I can’t even remember what it was, but I don’t think it was a HUGE deal, but definitely something I was annoyed at Chris about.) So, of course I wanted to block the friend, but I couldn’t, because Chris didn’t want to get the friend mad. Anyway, it’s a fine line, I guess and sometimes (oftentimes?) I have to really check myself before going off on, say, my in-laws or my mom or something, as members of both our families are on Twitter.
Whew! So there are my long-winded thoughts.