— This is Future Me, coming by after writing up this post to warn you that it is long and mainly about boring things like Good Health and Doctor’s Visits and Blood Tests. I thought maybe some of it would be amusing/informative. But turns out really it is just one of those For My Own Future Reference posts that will likely be of no interest to anyone but Current Me. Because even Future Me is thoroughly Over It, and I’m betting FUTURE Future Me will feel the same. But! Just in case I need to prove in 15 years what my HDL cholesterol level was in 2011, I will post it anyway. —

— Additional Note: I am also realizing that this is a really Poor Showing for someone who hasn’t blogged in, like two whole weeks, and whose last post was met with such lovely and thoughtful and illuminating comments. I’m sorry. It has been a HELL of a, well, past two months, actually. This is all I can muster. —

 

— And now that you are thoroughly talked out of even reading this damn post, let us begin. —

 

My husband’s hospital recently did a nice thing. They offered a free health screening to all employees and their spouses.

Even better than being free? If you posted your results on a special website, you could get a discount on your health insurance.

Free! Discount! Sign me up!

My initial excitement about this health screening wore off pretty quickly.

For one thing, have you ever tried to schedule an appointment for a doctor? ANY kind of appointment?

It is impossible. I have to schedule dinner dates with our friends at least a month in advance, just to make sure that our friends are free on one of my husband’s super limited number of free evenings.

And that’s EVENINGS. When he is off. (Well, IF he is off.) Things like doctors’ appointments, teeth cleanings, and free health screenings happen during the DAY. When he is working.  And unable to say, “Hey, I’m taking a vacation day” or even, “Hey, I’m taking a few hours off.”

But I put on my game face and called the number to set up our appointments. Guess what? THEY WERE ALL FULL.

(This may be because my husband waited a while to tell me about the free health screening in the first place. Actually, he didn’t even tell me. My friend – who is the wife of another doctor – told me. She and I have to constantly check in with each other to find out about important things – like the date of the big End of Year Fancy Pants Dinner, or the date of Match Day, or the date of the day where all the interns get to go to a baseball game and drink lots of beer together while she and I go about our normal work like CHUMPS. AHEM.)

Anyway, I put our names down on a waiting list for the free health screening.

And I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Finally, I stopped waiting and gave up. This wasn’t going to happen. We’d missed out. Bye bye, insurance discount.

Then! An entire MONTH after I’d been put on the waiting list, I got The Call.

Of course, the kind woman on the other end of the line had only one appointment left.

Of course of course, the appointment was during a time when my husband was going to be at work. Plus, it was at a hospital 30 miles away. So. I signed myself up.

The appointment was the day after Easter. I had to fast for 8 or 12 hours, I can’t remember which.

When I got there – at some swamp awful early hour of the morning (by which I mean 7:00 am) – there was one person ahead of me. And a room full of nurses and techs.

This is where things slowly started to go downhill. Or uphill, which I personally think is worse than downhill.

They weighed me – with my clothes on, which I think is Cheating, In A Bad Way. (I mean, if you are going to cheat, it should be to your advantage, right?)

Then they measured my waist. AROUND MY SHIRT. And to be completely honest, I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt over a tank top. So you know that adds a good half an inch, right? Plus, the nurse measured me very loosely. Again with the Bad Cheating.

Lest you think I am super vain (I am), and am bringing this loose-over-the-clothing measuring system up purely for vanity’s sake, they use that waist measurement to determine your BMI. One inch can mean the difference between “normal weight” and “overweight,” you know!

To add to these super accurate measurements, the nurse asked me how tall I am. Um… I have no idea. I’ve spent many years valiantly trying to will myself into being 5’7″… But I’m pretty sure I’m more like 5’6″ or 5’5″. So I said 5’5″ with a question mark in my voice, and the nurse wrote that down as Fact.

Then she took my blood pressure. It was 128/92. (If you are about to spring to the comments to warn me that I am on the verge of a hypertensive breakdown, be reassured: more on this later.)

Then she sent me over to the tech, who pricked my finger to test my cholesterol levels.

While I sat there, waiting for the test to spit out my results (which I will share with you momentarily – I know, you are shivering with anticipation!), a cop came in the room.

If you are resettling yourself in your chair at this plot twist, thinking to yourself, “Finally, the story is going to get good!” you are sadly mistaken.

Anyway, the cop said to the nurses that he needed his health screening but he’d never been able to get an appointment. And the nurse said cheerily that he could have come in any time! Appointments not necessary! But this was the last day, so why don’t they do his screening right this second?

I was the only person getting a health screening at that moment. Empty room. Well, except for all the nurses and techs.

Which made me VERY ANNOYED, as I’d waited for A MONTH for this appointment. Plus, my husband was totally unable to get an appointment AT ALL. And now his opportunity had passed.

SIGH.

Anyway, back to the results!

My good cholesterol was 45. My bad cholesterol was 89. My total cholesterol was 202. (I know this because I am looking at the sheet they gave me. By the way, my LDL and HDL numbers each put me in the “low risk” category. But my total cholesterol puts me in the “moderate risk” category. What’s up with that?)

What else? Oh, my fasting glucose was “low risk.” My BMI put me in the “normal weight” category.  (Even with the extra clothing and the loose measurement. PHEW. Cheaters never prosper, NURSE Loose Measure-er.)

But here’s where things get concerning. My triglycerides were 339.

According to the sheet they gave me, triglycerides of 200 or more put you in the “high risk” category. (Although I’m not exactly sure what this is a risk OF. Dropping dead whilst cleaning the toilet?) So I was a little concerned.

The nurse who “interpreted” my results  (i.e. read them to me out loud as I read them silently to myself) said encouragingly, “Oh that’s probably because this is the day after Easter! Did you indulge in a big Easter dinner yesterday?”

Well, no. I hadn’t. I’d eaten veggie stir fry for lunch on Easter. My husband and I had eaten chicken paprikas for dinner. And then I’d fasted.

“Oh,” she said. “Well, you should set up an appointment to discuss this with your doctor.”

And this is where I should have recognized that I was Being Taken by a Big Health Screening Scam. (Not a real scam, I don’t think. It just feels that way in retrospect, through the haze of Sky-High Triglycerides.)

Because now I had to leave my FREE health screening and go set up a PAID appointment with my doctor. Where he would simply repeat all the tests done at the health screening.

But at that point, I wasn’t thinking “This is a scam.” I was thinking, “What the hell is wrong with my triglycerides? Am I going to drop dead at any second?” (Note: I do not know anything about triglycerides or what they do or how they work or what relationship they have to dropping dead.)

My father was more concerned with my blood pressure than my triglycerides. However, the nurse at the health screening had shrugged off my elevated BP reading, saying it was “a little high,” but “nothing to worry about.” So – completely at odds with my normal personality – I didn’t worry about it.

But my father didn’t like it. And upon inspection, that’s because my systolic BP was in the “moderate risk/prehypertension” category and my diastolic BP was in the “high risk/Stage 1 hypertension” category.

So I started – characteristically – fretting about my blood pressure and my triglycerides and thinking dour thoughts like, “It really does all go downhill once you turn 30” and “I really need to make a change in my life if I want to live to see 40.”

Every time I got stressed out at work (which was oh, about 365,000 times a day), I would worry that I could feel my blood pressure rising and slowly killing me. (My husband informs me that you cannot feel your blood pressure rising. I DISAGREE.)

Anyway, I went to see my doctor. And that’s when the Big Health Screen Scam became apparent.

First I shelled out $20 for my copay. (Which, I know, not a lot of money. BUT NOT FREE.) My doctor took my blood pressure. It was 110/68.

Which is… Perfectly fine.

Then I went and got my blood drawn, so he could retest my cholesterol and triglycerides.

He called me at 6:38 am on Wednesday morning (After, incidentally, I’d been up until 3:30 am working. Not his fault, I know. But seriously. Who calls at 6:38 in the morning?) to report that my good cholesterol was 89 and my bad cholesterol was 80 (both still delightfully low risk). And my triglycerides were 76.

(6:38 in the morning.)

Let’s take a minute to marvel at the wide, vast, cavernous difference between 339 (the reading at my FREE health screening) and 76 (the reading at my PAID doctor’s visit).

My doctor then informed me that he’d seen several other patients who’d had wildly elevated triglyceride levels during the health screening… But totally normal triglycerides when he’d retested them.

SCAM.

They woo you with “Free! Health Screening!” and “Health insurance discount!” and then they give you inaccurate labs so you have to make an appointment with a doctor and get them redone. WHICH YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR.

Okay, okay. Things could be much worse. This is clearly a First World Problem, as I have health insurance and – even better – good health.  I am very fortunate, I know this.  But the whole thing was kind of an Ordeal, and annoying and semi-stressful. It feels good to write it all out and release the stress and irritation to the universe (read: you).

Anyway, the biggest deal about going to the doctor – for me – was that I had to get actual blood drawn, instead of dealing with the teeny tiny finger prick they did at the Free Health Screening. I do NOT like blood, Internet.

You know what the worst part is about getting your blood drawn? Well, aside from trying valiantly not to catch even a peripheral glimpse of blood, of course. * WOOZE. * (That is totally a word.)

The worst part is the tape they use to hold the stupid cotton ball on your “wound.” You’d think there would be some sort of special skin-friendly tape that doesn’t rip your arm-hairs out at the root – below the root even – or tear off the top layer of your skin. You would be wrong. Because they use special Eternal Strength Tape (Will Never Leave Your Skin! Guaranteed to Be the Last Thing Left in Your Coffin Once the Worms Get You!).

Also, when and if you finally pry the tape and your top layer of dermis off your arm, the tape will leave behind a parting gift of black sticky residue. That will remain after 10 showerings as a visible reminder of your blood draw experience. Souvenir!

The best part of the blood draw is the phlebotomist. My doctor’s office has THE BEST phlebotomist in all the lands. I’m not actually 100% sure that she IS a phlebotomist, but I really enjoy typing and reading and even saying “phlebotomist.”

Whatever she is, she is wonderful. She is always super cheery. She doesn’t mock me or roll her eyes at me when I tell her that blood makes me woozy. She assures me kindly and brightly that she will not let me see even a drop – a drop! – of blood. And then she tells me exactly what she’s doing – “This will feel cold” as she swabs my elbow with the antiseptic, “You’ll feel a pinch” as she nears me with the needle – which I think ALL medical and dental professionals should do at all times. Heck, let’s extend that policy to all service providers – including accountants, hair stylists, and mechanics. I like to know exactly what’s going to happen. It makes me feel like a) I’m in control of the situation, even when I’m clearly NOT and b) the service provider knows exactly what s/he is doing, rather than making things up willy nilly as s/he goes along.

Anyway, all this to say that I am in the peak of good health.

Except for the tiredness. And the stress. And the chubby thighs. And the lack of exercise.