Questions

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Holiday Query: Who Do You Tip and What Do You Tip Them?

My husband and I spent a few minutes yesterday discussing the Other People who are on our holiday list of gift recipients.

Namely, my hairdresser and the driver of the car service I use for work travel.

I usually give my hairdresser a check in the amount that I would normally tip her on a cut and color. I don’t know her all that well… I know she had a baby a few months ago and she likes dark and disturbing memoirs (the hairdresser, not the baby… at least, as far as I know)… That’s about it.

And I’m sort of stumped as to what to do for the driver.

Food is out, for various reasons. I’m not sure how I feel about giving him wine. And while I know a lot about his family – and how much he adores his grandkids (a three-month-old and a three-year-old) – I honestly don’t know what restaurants he frequents or what music he enjoys or anything that would help me get him a more personal gift.

I think we settled on giving him a Visa gift card for the amount of a trip to the airport.

But man, I feel like checks and Visa gift cards are kind of boring.

Do you have any rockin’ ideas for what I could do instead? Or in addition? I feel very strongly about thanking these two people in particular. I deal with them both several times a year and they are excellent service providers. They deserve a lovely (or thoughtful) gift.

Also, do you normally tip your mail carrier?

We got a note in our mailbox last December from our mail carrier, sort of insinuating that we should give her a gift. Which I was HAPPY to do. Lord knows she works hard and has a pretty thankless job – and I’m sure the recession hit mail carriers pretty hard.

We gave her a Target gift card. Kind of lame, I know, but it was the only idea we had.

And then there’s our apartment complex staff. Last year I made them cookies. This year, I’d like to make cupcakes or brownies. But if I am pressed for time, I may do cookies again.

I guess what I am curious about is two-fold:

  1. Do you do any holiday tipping? If so, who do you tip and what do you tip them?
  2. And – whether you are a holiday tipper or not – how would YOU feel about getting a boring old check/Visa gift card… and if you would hate it, what would prefer instead? (Remember, food is out.)

Of course, if you have other Strong Feelings about holiday tipping, please let me know. I strongly want to know them.

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The Double Dip and Other Adventures in Food Sharing

My, my, Internet! You have strong feelings about the etiquette of naming conventions on wedding invitations!

(Which I love, by the way!)

(Wait, that was unclear… I love BOTH naming conventions on wedding invitations AND your strong opinions.)

Anyway, I have had etiquette on the brain lately, and had an experience this weekend that I would love your thoughts on.

I was at a work event with a few people I’d just met. We went to a local restaurant – nothing fancy, something between a Houlihan’s and a McCormick & Schmick’s in terms of niceness – and ordered some spinach and artichoke dip to share. The restaurant provided us all with appetizer plates, so I used a spoon to scoop some dip onto my plate and took a couple of chips as well.

Others at the table disregarded the plates and simply dipped their chips in the communal spinach and artichoke dip pot.

Listen. It is well-recorded in these pages that I am a huge germaphobe. So it probably wouldn’t surprise you that I was a little grossed out by the idea of sharing dip with people who were pretty much strangers. Although, had I been with a few super close friends, I STILL would have encouraged the dip-to-plate method of eating.

Even with my husband, occasionally. For instance, when we order spring rolls at a Thai restaurant and the spring rolls are accompanied by delicious plum sauce. My husband and I will spoon plum sauce onto our individual plates and dip our spring rolls there, replenishing the sauce on our plates as needed.

My thought process is thus: If you use only a spoon in the dip, you won’t get chips or crackers or bits of spring roll wrapper in the dip… Leaving it pristine for your dining companion.

Plus, the dip-to-plate method completely eliminates the possibility of the Double Dip, which grosses me out.

As an aside: Yes, yes, I KNOW that some people do not care at ALL about double dipping… And in fact share drinks and will take a bite from someone else’s hamburger – even biting over the other person’s original bite marks. But not everyone is OKAY with this, case in point being ME.

And, while I am not a Natural Sharer of Food (think Joey from Friends), I do TRY to be open to sharing… But as long as I can use YOUR fork to move a bite of my food to YOUR plate. I don’t want you to eat off of my plate. I don’t want you to eat off of my fork. And VICE VERSA. It is delightful that you want me to enjoy a bite of the most delicious halibut that you have ever tasted, but PLEASE, for the love of cheeseburgers, PLEASE use my fork to transport the bite.

The exception here is my husband, although ONLY OCCASIONALLY. It is a rare day indeed when I will eat something off his fork or vice versa. And very rarely, purely for the sake of our relationship, will I do the same with his parents. (My in laws are kind, generous, share-happy people.)

What do YOU do, Internet? Do you prefer the dip-to-plate method? Or are you a free-for-all type of dipper?

How do you share food with others? Do you have boundaries when it comes to food swapping?

And as long as we’re on the general subject, what about food in your own home? When I’m entertaining, I always put out just a portion of the olives or guacamole or stuffed mushrooms that I’ve whipped up. Then, if my guests eat everything I’ve set out for them, I replenish the food. (Believe me – no one is going hungry at my house!)

Also – and yes, I know this sounds wasteful – I will throw away anything that my guests haven’t eaten. I am not one to pour the remaining chips from the bowl back into the bag… Or to pop the leftover olives back into the jar… Or – heaven forbid – to dump the remaining salsa back into its container.

Writing all this out, I feel like I come across as a huge weirdo. And yet, I stand firmly behind my Food Sharing Policies. Now I’d like to know if I’m the only weirdo out there.

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Do or Don’t: Friends in the Workplace

The only real, non-summer job I’ve ever had was a remote position.

Meaning, of course, that I worked remotely. From my living room.

Working from home has its challenges. For instance, there was talk, for a while, of getting a webcam so that I could actively participate in meetings. I fretted about it (needlessly) for weeks, wondering if I could get away with wearing a blazer over my pajamas.

It can be lonely, too.

But one of the big benefits is that you are pretty insulated against office politics.

Sure, people at work may hate you. They may talk about you. They may find you hideously irritating. Or just plain hideous (maybe that’s why we didn’t get the webcam?).

But you will probably never know!

Because putting “I hate you. You’re ugly.” into an email is not quite the same as gossiping about it with your coworker near the water cooler.

I can safely say I’ve never had to deal with the issues that accompany befriending a coworker.

But my dear, sweet friend Marie* has always been the type to forge close friendships with her colleagues.

And recently, this bit her in the ass.

You see, Marie got promoted. Yay, Marie!

She deserved it. And I am saying that based on a) knowing her and b) the comments she gets from her boss and c) the fairly frequent raises she gets.

However, her promotion ended up stepping on someone else’s toes. Let’s call her Assface.

No? Assface is too prejudicial?

Okay. Let’s call her Hairy Buns.**

So, good ol’ Hairy Buns has been with the company longer than Marie has. I’m sure she does a great job and I’m sure she’s a lovely person.

But Marie ended up making a few changes that not only saved the company money, but made the work flow more efficient.

So she got promoted. And Hairy Buns did not.

Hairy Buns is pissed.

Listen, I would be disappointed too. Disappointed that I didn’t get the promotion. Disappointed in myself for not working harder/reaching farther/kissing more butt.

But now she’s taking it out on Marie. Basically by giving her the silent treatment.

(Why no, they are not in fourth grade. Why do you ask?)

Marie – who is sweet and kind and loves to please people and also hates it when people are mad at her – hates getting the Deep Freeze from Hair-Bear. She is miserable.

I think Marie has three possible ways to handle this situation.

  1. She can continue to be her normal friendly, cheerful, efficient self until Hairy Buns gets over herself.
  2. She can return the silent treatment and stony glares until the whole thing blows over.
  3. She can confront Hairy B and try to accelerate the “getting over it” factor.

If I had bigger balls, I would certainly choose option 3. Communication is always good. I mean, maybe Bunsy is just pissed and upset and disappointed, and has no idea she’s taking it out on Marie or coming across as a sour-grapes-eating immature beeyotch. And if Marie tells her, “Look, you are making me feel terrible for my success,” then maybe HB will apologize and be more pleasant.

Of course, it could backfire and turn into a full-on temper tantrum. Apparently this can happen. Don’t believe me? Watch Real Housewives of Anything.

I would steer clear of option 2, even though it’s the easiest and possibly most satisfying. It seems unprofessional to me. Colleagues will notice that the temperature of the office has dropped 50 degrees, and they will notice who’s holding the ice machine. If Marie is pouty and angry, people will think just as badly of her as they will of ol’ Hairy Fairy.

That’s why I am all for option 1. Even though I know being bright and sunny is reeeeaaalllly difficult when you are feeling under attack.

But I think it’s professional to keep your personal stuff out of the office as much as possible. And a fight with a coworker, while work adjacent, is not something that belongs at the office.

I think, too, that option 1 will make Marie shine even more in the eyes of her boss. She’ll have taken the high road. She’ll have proved that doing her job well is more important than some silly office spat.

My thoughts on this topic are heavily influenced by my personal Workplace Policy. Much like the Bad News Policy, this policy comes largely from my parents.

And that is, in a nutshell:

Be Professional at All Times

All my life, my parents reinforced the fact that there is a boundary between work and non-work life. It’s elastic, but there’s not much give to that boundary. You don’t bring work home (okay, I FAILed at that one, as I work from home). You don’t call your spouse/parent/sibling at work unless there is a serious emergency. You don’t take sick days for being hungover – in fact, you don’t take sick days unless you are at death’s door. (I know this one isn’t popular – I mean, hello GERMS.) You don’t talk about your personal life at work (Although there is some wiggle room here – you don’t want to appear as though you’re hiding something.)

Working remotely, I extended that boundary to include “You don’t make friends with coworkers.”

Now, I was always friendly with coworkers. I tried to ask them questions to show I cared about them. I gave small bits of personal information out – like my husband’s name, where I lived, where I grew up. Broad things about me. If I visited the office, we’d go out for drinks or lunch sometimes.

But I didn’t have friends at the office. No one I’d call on the weekends. No one I’d gossip with about the latest episode of Top Model. No one I’d invite to my wedding.

And it worked great.

Yes, I know people form incredible friendships (even marriages) while at work. Some of my parents’ closest friends are people who worked with my father.

But I can’t help but wonder… If you don’t have friends at work, isn’t that better? Doesn’t that make getting ahead a whole lot less messy?

I know I’d feel pretty terrible if my hard work and dedication led to a promotion over a friend. I’d feel even worse about not being able to take pride in my success because it hurt a friend or damaged a friendship. And I’d feel worst of all if concern about a friend’s feelings prevented me from trying to be the best I possibly could be at my job.

I know it would be harder to let a friend know that her work wasn’t up to snuff (if it were my job to tell her, obvs) or to disagree with her on a work matter.

I know it would be difficult to remain upbeat and professional if I were arguing with a friend – whether we were fighting about a work or personal matter.

Seems like keeping your coworkers and friends in two distinct categories could help prevent a lot of hurt feelings and worry.

But I put it to you, people who have worked in Real Live Offices.

Is friendship at the office a no-no?

How do you deal with a coworker who is also a friend?

What would you do if you were in Marie’s delicate position?

The public*** demands an answer!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

* Identity disguised to protect dear sweet not-Marie!

** I have no knowledge of whether Hairy Buns’s are actually hairy. But hey, if they are, more power to her. We don’t judge here at Life of a Doctor’s Wife.

*** And by “public” I clearly mean “me.”