I have written before about a peculiar discrepancy in my marriage: My husband and I have very different ways of making requests of one another.
(In case you are interested – in the original post, linked to above, I touched very briefly on my husband’s tendency to a) not do a task immediately and b) not respond to my request at all. Let me stress that this is not a failure on HIS PART. It is simply a Communication Challenge on MY PART to figure out the best way to get the responses I need. I have been dealing with this by a) putting a time limit in my requests [ie, “Could you please take out the trash before we eat dinner at six?”] and b) reminding him that I need him to respond, even if he just needs to tell me “Hold on, I’m finishing this article” or “I will do that as soon as I’m done writing this email.” It is not FOOLPROOF, but it has HELPED.)
Anyway, over Christmas, I came face to face with ANOTHER Communication Challenge, request-making-wise. I thought you might like to hear about it. (Yes, I am JUST NOW writing about it.)
(And I am writing about it NOW because we went to our personal money depository – ie, Home Depot – yesterday and he did the very thing to ME that I’m about to tell you about me doing to HIM.) (That doesn’t make much sense now, but it will. I think.)
The scene: Christmas evening, 2011 – my in-laws’ guest bathroom.
The cast: Me. My husband. A used washcloth, lying crumpled in the middle of the counter.
Me: Is that your washcloth?
Husband: Yes.
Me: Is there a better place for it than right in the center of the counter?
Husband, angrily: If you want me to move it, just ask.
Me: **surprised silence**
Washcloth: **sogginess**
Flashback to earlier that day, in my in-laws’ kitchen. I was unloading the dishwasher.
Me, flustered, to Husband: Would you like to help me put these away?
Husband: No, not really.
Me: **annoyance**
***
In the interest of Not Expecting My Husband to Read My Mind and Knowing Full Well That I Cannot Read HIS Mind, I did not get mad at my husband for not simply finding a better location for the washcloth.
Instead, I talked to him about it.
(Ground-breaking stuff, I know.)
Turns out that my husband feels I ask questions in a condescending way.
And he is not wrong, Internet.
I mean, he IS wrong about the INTENT. I am not trying to be condescending – I am trying to be gentle, as in, not forceful or bossy or commanding. But “trying to be gentle” SUCKS twofold because it makes him annoyed and it also fails to convey my needs. Which are “move the damn washcloth” or “help me put away these dishes lest you find a plate in your face.” PLUS it fails to elicit the desired result, which is a counter uncluttered by a soggy washcloth or a job that should not be mine alone done in half the time with half the frustration and put-upon martyrdom.
Wood board, Internet! WORDS. They are so FRAUGHT with potential for misunderstanding and resulting anger/frustration/hurt feelings!
So I am going to try to change the way I ask things.
Firstly, I have been trying to eliminate the “would you like to…” type of phrases from questions. Because no one would LIKE to help unload the dishwasher or take out the trash or chop the onions or shovel the walk or get the mail. Those are called chores for a REASON. So of course the answer would be “no.” And of course the askee would feel like the asker is being condescending by asking in the first place; the asker KNOWS the answer, so why ask the question? Why make the askee feel as though he SHOULD want to unload the dishwasher, and if he doesn’t, he is a horrible person not worthy of love?
Plus, it’s not the REAL question I want answered. I don’t care about my husband’s level of dishwasher-unloading pleasure. I care about him DOING the thing I want him to do.
Plus, it is confusing. This is what I discovered in Home Depot yesterday. My husband and I were there to buy a lawnmower (I know, we have terribly fascinating and wild lives) and we needed one of those flat trolley-things on which to put the giant lawnmower box. And he asked me, “Do you want to go down to the other end of the Home Depot and see if they store the trolleys down by the wood?” And I was all, “Sure.” And then we kept walking around, and then he asked me the SAME question, and I was all, “Sure, I said already that was fine. YOU’RE the one who keeps looking at giant grills.” And it turns out that he wanted ME to go look for/get a trolley MYSELF, when I had interpreted him as asking me to weigh in on what the TWO OF US should do next. You are now wondering how we made it out of the Home Depot at all.
Anyway, the solution to all of this unpleasantness is to simply ask the question, STRAIGHT OUT, comme ca:
“Would you please unload the dishwasher? It will really help keep me from wanting to drown myself in the swimming pool.”
“Will you go check the other end of the Home Depot to see if there’s a wheelhouse of trolleys somewhere near the ladder section?”
“Please move your washcloth to an alternate location before I stuff it up your nose hole.”
This is harder than it seems, by the way. Sometimes the real question I’m asking IS “would you like to.” For instance, if I say, “Do you want to make dinner?” I am not necessarily hedging around my desire for HIM to make dinner. No, I really want to know, “Are you ready for one or both of us to cook a meal?”
Plus, it seems to be DEEPLY INGRAINED in me to not just say what I want, straight out. But when I am able to remember/force myself to ASK A QUESTION, STRAIGHT OUT, I am typically pleased with how painless and simple it is to get what I want.
So I’m going to keep working at this one.
Secondly, I am trying not to ask questions about alternative options.
For instance, I asked, “Is there a better place to put that washcloth?” because I didn’t want my husband to feel JUDGED for his washcloth placement. WAS there a better place than the bathroom counter? Maybe there wasn’t – maybe he’d evaluated the rest of the washcloth-storage options in the bathroom and the counter was the winner. Or maybe he was going to use the washcloth in the next five minutes or had just finished using it and hadn’t had a chance to put it away. Instead of demanding that he move the washcloth when I didn’t know the circumstances of the washcloth’s position, I was trying to be both diplomatic and understanding.
But I can totally see how he saw it as condescending. It would have been better for both of us if I hadn’t tried to overanalyze the situation, as is my custom, and had simply requested, “Can you please move the washcloth when you’re done with it? It looks messy on the counter and it takes up room and I would feel better if it were hanging somewhere else.”
And let’s admit something here, Internet. Sometimes one’s intent really IS passive aggression. “Are you really going to put your shoes THERE?” is not a real question. It is an accusation of idiocy.
So I am TRYING, I SWEAR to be better about this – to say what I mean, and not to over-analyze. But sometimes I still opt for passive aggression because I am immature.
WHAT CAN I SAY, Internet. I am human.
However… when I DO go all out and say what I mean, it helps! Immensely! For instance, my husband has been working diligently on a big presentation for work. The other day, he headed up to the office after dinner to work on the presentation, I stayed in the living room to read an article. When I next visited the kitchen, I saw that he’d left his dinner dishes by the sink.
Instead of getting all dramatic-sighs and stomping around as I put them away… Or instead of saying something snotty like, “Is there a better place for your dishes than by the sink?” I went upstairs and told him, “Honey, I know you are very busy and I am happy to help out when you are so swamped. But can you please ask me to wash your dishes for you instead of leaving them by the sink and assuming that I’ll take care of them?”
Guess what? Not only did no one yell or get upset… But it turns out he did it UNINTENTIONALLY. He’d taken his dishes into the kitchen, I’d asked him a question, he’d come into the living room to answer me, and he forgot about the dishes. He wasn’t assuming that I would take care of them! He wasn’t “asking” me to take care of them! He just forgot!
And when I expressed my need to him – not even a need for him to wash his own dishes, but a need for him to ASK ME to do his dishes, which is all I need, I promise – he did the dishes himself.
I KNOW.
Honest and open communication! Such a novel idea!
Okay, Internet. Please tell me that I am not the only one with Communication Challenges. Any communication secrets you want to share? Any particularly tricky Communication Challenges you’d like the collective power of The Interwebs to tackle in the comments section?
Ooh, I loved this. I, too, ask questions the way you do. I’ve been trying hard to change that lately, but it can be hard!
I remember when my mother (an elementary school teacher, and also of course a mother) explained to us that she had switched from “Could you please…?” to “Would you please…?”—with great success in the classroom, with her kids, and with her husband. It really does improve the responses—-from “I COULD but I WON’T, ha ha ha” (or the feeling that one is being asked if they could possibly bother), to a “…Yes! Yes I would!” feeling of pitching in, and of having an option but not wishing to take the “No I won’t” stance. I use it with Paul, too.
oh I totally feel your pain. As a newlywed, I am trying to figure this one out for myself too. The time limit thing is a big one for us too. Communication is not fun, especially as a horribel introvert haha.
First of all, I should tell you that I first read this as “Unexpected Condensation” so I totally thought I was going to be reading about a faulty water bottle or something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Also, I will refrain from commenting on communication within a marriage, because as you know all too well I suck at it, and will just say that marriage is sometimes a minefield. But worth it. Totally worth it.
I discovered a communication problem I have this weekend (and my husbad and i have been together for 7 years). On Saturday afternoon I asked husband what he wanted for dinner – i was in the mood to cook, happy to make whatever he wanted since the weeks are busy and we eat the same things over and over again. He responded that he wanted “x” dish – and I immediately said “we don’t have all the stuff to make that, and it is super easy, i’ll make it one night next week, we have all the stuff to make “y,” how does that sound?” Precious man, said that sounds great!
As I went about the task of preparing dinner I realized that I do this all the time. I ask a question and I think I honestly want his answer – but what I really want is for him to read my mind and give the answer i want. WOW, what a slap in the face.
So when we sat down to eat our dinner I told husband what I realized and that I was sorry for doing it. He was so relieved that I recognized what I had been doing for YEARS.
Am I the only person that does this? Why do I do this – i am generally very happy to express my wants, opinions, but why won’t i just tell him what i want????
I have discovered that “Could you” or even “Would you” do not work on my husband in the least. I normally get a “Sure in a minute” response, which in husband speak actually means “I said I will but I am going to forget about it and procrastinate it until you have asked me at least half a dozen times and are finally nagging me to do it and we both get angry about the entire process of taking out the trash/changing the litter boxes/mowing the yard/putting my dishes in the sink.”
I have discovered that I must say “I need you to” plus a time frame. “I need you to take out the trash before I can cook.” or “I need you to change the cat litter before we go to sleep” or “I need you to go get onions while I am getting bread”. Not a perfect system but it works.
There is no being subtle though. If I am displeased with a behavior like leaving his clothes in weird places, or using good bowls to scoop dog food, I simply have to tell him to stop. I have to say “Stop using the eating dishes to scoop the dogs food, use the disposable plastic bowls I bought for that purpose.” “Stop leaving your clothes in a trail on the living room floor and expecting me to pick them up behind you.” “Stop getting the cats all excited before bedtime”. Also not a perfect system but it mostly works.
I’m totally with the husband on the questions. If someone asked me, “Is there a better place for this washcloth?” I’d probably mutter some choice words about a better location for the washcloth.
And if my husband says, “If you unload the dishwasher, I’ll reload it.” I will usually ask, “Now or can it wait until x (chapter done, show over, etc)?” That helps because then he knows I will do it and I know whether he is actually waiting on me or whether it’s just a whenever type thing.
I have also learned that a) I need to ask my husband for verbal confirmation that he hears things. Because he is listening, but will frequently say nothing, so I think he hasn’t heard. And b) I need to tell him specifically what I want him to do and he will do it. But I usually can’t expect that he will just vacuum of his own accord. I need to say, “I need you to vacuum and clean the kitchen.”
i guess after being married for 47 years, I just do some of those things instead of asking him to do them. And he, in turn, does things that he doesn’t ask me to do…..Not to say that we don’t have our “moments”.
What I hate is being corrected about minute little errors when I am speaking to someone else….things that have no relevance to the story. And….lately he has been answering questions that other people have asked me…..arrgh
DUDE – I have the same communication fails….and I think I’m going to go ahead and take your advice here and be more straight forward and less “passive aggressive though I really just mean to be nice but it sounds condescending” phew…that was a mouthful.
Brooke: I want you to want to do dishes.
Gary: Why would I *want* to do dishes?
My husband and I are always throwing this quote from The Break-up around jokingly. Communication is something I’ve been working harder on lately too. I just finished Men are from Mars by John Gray. Even though I only gave it 2 out of 5 stars he had some really great points. Especially about these specific communication styles you bring up now. And you’re right, open and honest is key. Say what is on your mind rather than the round-about ‘is there a better place for x.’ But he says no matter how hard we may try, men innately think women are being condescending most of the time. : / Check it out and good luck!
you and your hubbys convos = my life exactly
Communication challenges- YES! As recent as… today. C came home from being on call with (*sigh*) lots of patient notes to catch up on. He wanted to get them done before going to sleep for his post-call nap. I, too, had work to complete. I typically do my homework in the living room- lots of light! Comfy couch! Not the too tempting bed where I might fall asleep!
As I’m setting myself up, I notice he is setting his work computer up and such in the bedroom. In the bed. So I said, “Why don’t you come do your notes out here with me while work on homework!” (Not yelled, but said in an affectionate tone). He makes a kissing sound back at me, and continues to settle himself into his work location.
So I suggest logical arguments for why the living room would be better- more light! Comfy couch, but not so comfy he’ll fall asleep before he’s done working! In my mind, this is how his mind works. Logical reasoning. What I really wanted was for him to sit by me and just BE near me, since he spent the whole weekend on-call, or sleeping post-call to prepare for call the next night, and I missed him. But I didn’t say any of this because I figured logic would work better.
I was wrong. He stayed in the bed working and told me that he would rather work in there and be comfy, and I proceeded to get upset and start crying (annnnd pregnancy hormones much?). I finally told him that I was really upset with him and all I wanted to spend time with him, blah blah blah, at which point he finally gave me what I needed… if only I had thought to ask for it from the beginning. Funny how that works.
Oh, how I love this post. I have no communication secrets to share. I know how to do everything wrong, how to remedy the situation for the next time, and hardly ever implement it. Almost nine years of marriage and we still have annoying communication problems. 🙂 Love, true love.
I love this post and I LOVE these comments! Who needs therapy when you have the Internet?
You are SO not the only one. I think this post could have been written about me and Gregg, seriously. 13! years! and going! And still we have not figured it out.
I’ve been married almost 30 years and you are way ahead of me in dealing with the communication issues. good for you for starting early — I gave up and it shows
I want to leave a comment but I’m afraid I won’t be able to STOP writing my comment.
Yes. All of the above. Plus more. SIGH.
I do this A LOT, so I’m not really able to offer any advice. One thing that I have come to realize is that it’s not the WORDING of my question so much as the TONE that is the problem. Evidently I use a condescending tone often without realizing it, so the best I’ve come up with for now is just to try to be conscious of it and to think a little more before I speak (easier said than done!).
I have the same issue with my husband. The problem is, I don’t realize it! And then I question it like, is he playing mind games with me or am I in denial? I don’t know how else he would like me to speak!
Oh I love it. The way you described your intent to be nice and not demanding/naggy describes me to a ‘T’. I love your solution. Sometimes being blunt and honest is the way to go. I have to remember on a daily basis people cannot read my mind.
In a nutshell yes, yes, and yes to everything you wrote.
About three paragraphs into this post I had to ask my husband if he was sure he wasn’t leading a double life.
Which is to say, no, you’re not the only one.
Hmm, you are a much nicer person than I am. Here’s how my conversation would go:
Me, flustered, to Husband: Would you like to help me put these away?
Husband: No, not really.
Me: Stop being a douchebag and help me.
We both talk to each other like this, and no one is offended. It has, however, had the unintended consequence of a toddler who can swear like a truck driver.
This=my marriage.
Wow, my situation is completely opposite: my wife says I am too condescending because I ask direct questions. She gets upset because I don’t understand how her feelings get hurt when I tell her something in a straight-forward manner. When I am talking to an adult, I don’t think I should have to over-analyze everything to make sure someone’s feelings aren’t hurt, as if I am talking to a child.
She also over apologizes for everything, then gets upset when I tell her there is no need to apologize for something that I feel is such a minor detail, don’t make a mountain out of a mole-hill. It’s very frustrating.
Any advice?
My husband communicates like this and every time he does I get infuriated.
You said this… ‘I mean, he IS wrong about the INTENT. I am not trying to be condescending – I am trying to be gentle, as in, not forceful or bossy or commanding. But “trying to be gentle” SUCKS ‘… But the truth is you/he are really try control the other person and you make them feel like a fool while at it. Whether you ‘say’ what you’re think or not you really are. You underestimate the power of perception. My husband/people need to realize that they can’t control others and shouldn’t try to, not everyone cares about things the way you do or sees what you see. Passive aggressive questions are manipulative at best. Asking a direct question and being willing to get an answer that you may not like is a much more respectful and loving way to communicate. People should have an option of whether to comply or not.
What I think is ridiculous is my husband asks me passive aggressive questions all day and when I ask him a direct questions he acts like I am totally putting him out. A simple request like could you please get me a towel, leaves me feeling like I’d be better to get out of the tub sopping wet and get a towel myself then inconvenience the person who is should be my companion and friend.
This response isn’t supposed to be a personal attack. I am genuinely grateful that you can see the folly in your behavior. My problem is with husband:/
I think the problem is with both people honestly. There is no right or wrong way to communicate. Asking confronting and direct questions are uniquely American. In many cultures, asking direct questions without being considerate of the feelings of others is seen as rude. There is something inherently wrong in making an assumption that the other person has negative intentions when they ask a question preceded with “Would you like to?” There are times when a person is simply asking if a person would or would not do it. The problem therein is where the other person feels “guilt” for wanting to respond with “no I would not like to”. Because they feel somewhat guilty about what with they choose to comply and make the assumption that the other person asked in this way to attempt to control them.
Whatever happened to simply accepting a person’s remarks at face value?Perhaps, “would you like to read this paragraph?” simply means to answer, “yes I’d love to” or “no… I don’t feel up to it right now.”
I happened upon this website while attempting to find out why others feel that I am condescending when I am attempting to be polite. Based on what I have read here, I have some understanding of it. However, I am beginning to think the problem isn’t simply my communication style. Ultimately, whether or not I am perceived as condescending is up to the person who is receiving my message. The intended or unintended sub-motivations that are attributed to why I am simply asking a question.
A co-worker being sent offshore proposed a question of if the other culture would be able to “take him” at a team meeting. I responded, “yes… definitely.” To which he responded, “is this a gay joke?” Before I could get the words “no” out of my mouth, my co-workers chimed in with “yes” and chuckled. Because we were in the professional working environment I assumed his question was about his management style. However, his perception was obviously that in that setting I would somehow need to express my opinion regarding how his sex life would fit into another country. This type of example is what I mean by perception of the individual trumps your intentions. I simply intended to answer his question at face value based on the context in which the question was given.
I know this is an old post but, I’m a newly Wed and I am having the exact same communication problem. I did not understand how I was being condensending but I now know because of your posts and comments. But yes I thought I was being nice buy asking first but maybe I should have been more direct with what I’m trying to say.
I’m going to test this out and see how we go
Thank you