We’ve all done it: reduced people to a few pithy sentences.
You know.
“Oh Sara? She’s a total narcissist.”
“Jimmy? He is the most genuinely nice guy I’ve ever met. Real salt of the earth, that Jimmy.”
“Chad? He’s nice enough to your face, but he’s got something critical to say about everyone.”
“Marcia is all about being a good mom – and she really is a good mom.”
So today I was thinking about what people would say about me when describing me to others.
I can’t say that I know.
Sure, I have good qualities. I’m hard-working. Open-minded. Polite. Compassionate. Good at listening. Detail-oriented. Optimistic. Loyal.
There are other qualities I have a bit of. I like to think I’m generous, but I could be more generous. I like to think I’m kind, but I could be kinder. I like to think I have a good sense of humor, but sometimes I am just plain NOT funny, and/or I do not get your (“your” not meaning YOU, Internet) sense of humor which leaves me looking pinched and humorless. I like to think I’m thoughtful, but I could be more thoughtful. I like to think I’m a decent writer – even good, sometimes – but I could be much better.
But, of course, I also have bad qualities. (Sadly, these are easier to come up with.) I’m shrill. I have a quick temper. I am very anal neurotic OCD particular. I’m terrible at confrontation. Related: I cry easily. I’m a workaholic. I’m high-strung. Whiny. Pessimistic. (Yes, I know this one directly contradicts an item from the “good qualities” list.) So we might as well add: hypocritical. Critical of others. Self critical. Impatient. Bad at math, housework, following directions, folding laundry, and understanding legal- and IRS-ese. I’m skittish. Narcissistic (See: This blog). Shy. Thin-skinned. Vain. I have a terrible memory. I like TV too much. I leave books unfinished. I’m too frequently unshowered. I’m a horrible procrastinator. I like to eat more than I like to exercise. I’m irritatingly picky about food.
Oh my, I am depressing myself with this litany of negatives!
Let’s add one more: self-pitying.
Anyway. I am owning up to my short-comings. But they are not invisible. If you know me, you know about at least a few of these failings.
But what I’m concerned about is what you would say if you were talking about me to someone else. (See above RE: narcissism.)
Would you say, “That Mrs. D – she’s so polite!”
Or would you say, “Mrs. D? Well, she’s really high-strung and shrill.”
Possibly it would be a mix: “Mrs. D is a good listener, but don’t try to cook her anything – she’s really finicky about food.”
I guess I hope that my positives outweigh the negatives. As I mentioned, I recognize that I HAVE negative qualities. And some of them I try actively to work on. The crying, for instance. The being short with my husband. (Oh that wasn’t on the list? Well, it should be.) The exercising. The being judgmental.
I also try to keep improving upon or maintaining the good qualities and sort-of good qualities.
Maybe that’s all I can do. I’ll never be perfect, Internet. Believe me, this disturbs me greatly. (Delusional, that’s a bad quality too, yes?) No one will ever say about me, “She was the kindest/smartest/most generous/most whatever.” I will probably always get mixed reviews.
But I can continue to be as good a person as I know how to be. And all the while, I can work on the things that I can work on.
How do you hope people describe you behind your back?
I have discovered that some of my “friends” have talked about me behind my back….they didn’t even say anything terrible that I know of…as far as I know they just discussed that I seem to know every fact ever put into print by the American Academy of Pediatrics. I don’t see how they could have discusses this in a positive light though and these “friends” of mine have been vicious when talking about others when I have been there to listen. So, I am sure they said other worse things about me….like maybe that I am a know-it-all, or a dork, or whatever. I like to think that unless someone is giving a genuine compliment, than they are worse than anything they say about you if they are doing it behind your back. Not that I haven’t been guilty of it, but I always feel terrible after.
Oddly enough… I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately- mostly in terms of what my high school students think of me. It can be really depressing. I don’t spend enough time with people my own age for them to have an opinion of me.
I’m not sure what I want people to think of me as… open-minded, and not ignorant. I guess that would be the most important to me.
Yes, I used to worry about what my students thought of me ALL the time. Mainly I had a big chip on my shoulder about being young… I fretted a lot that they didn’t/wouldn’t respect me.
I’m probably somewhere between pain-in-the-ass, intimidating, and blunt. I blame my russianness for all of the above.
HA! Love it.
I think about this all the time. Like ALL the time. I think it’s because one of my worst faults is being super critical of other people, so I do always wonder about the assumptions people make about me. I’m also kind of nervous to know what they would be 🙂
And for the record, I would say this about you: Generous, kind, hilarious, insanely talented writer, perhaps a little particular and all-around wonderful 🙂
Awww. You are too sweet!
I would guess that most people say I talk about myself a lot and interrupt a lot. Both are true.
I would like people to describe me as funny.
I’ve been described as “so sweet”. I used to hate that but I know it was a compliment. I imagine these days that I would like to be described as a very good friend, supportive, helpful, a good listener and enjoyable. On my bad days, I’m too quiet and a hermit.
I always get laid back and genuine. To demonstrate how laid-back I am, I literally had to sit up in order to reach the keyboard to type this comment.
I always wonder why people think I’m genuine. What if I’m just a really good liar?
Surprisingly, I haven’t thought about this in a long time because I have, through help in therapy, tried to stop worrying about what others thought of me and start just doing what was best for myself, no matter how that made me seem.
I would hope that people would say I am considerate and strong.
I think they may also thing that I am a worrier and a bit obsessive compulsive. Oh well!
Yes, I think it’s important to not worry about what others think. My husband is able to do that and I admire – and envy – that quality so much! Good for you for working through it.
People usually say that I am sweet. I get innocent a lot. Nice. I suspect people may say that I am a bit particular as well. 🙂
About you, I would say “ahh, finally someone who understands the importance of staying out of the kitchen when I am cooking!” And that you are nice and always manage to write a good comment even when I am boring.
Good post, it is so much easier to think of my negative qualities, I guess it’s the inherent pessismistic in me! Every day I think, I wish I could have been nicer today. It is just hard to respond with kindness and grace when hs kids can be so hard to handle. For instance, a senior got mad at me because he neglected to turn in a final project (which was 25% of his grade. Keep in mind I was calling him to give him another chance to make it up. I am going to try again tomorrow!
Wow – great post! I’ve often wondered what people say about me behind my back. I know for SURE that I’m often made fun of due to my preference of animals over people. I’m sure I’ve been called “crazy cat lady,” on multiple occasions. My sister often tells me that I’m condescending and that my tone suggests that I think I know everything. But then again, she is my little sister, so I probably do act that way towards her.
Just like you I can rattle off adjective after adjective that describe my negative qualities. The positive words are a little bit harder to come by. I like to think that I save my “good stuff” for the people that give the “good stuff” back.
But if you ask Brian, he would just shake his head and say, “Crazy. She’s absolutely crazy.”
I’ll take crazy 🙂
I tend to over-worry about what others think. It hasn’t been too big of an issue since I work in a job that I don’t care much about and I will be leaving soon. But I fear this is going to rear it’s ugly head when I’m a grad student and also a graduate assistant teaching students that are either not that much younger than me, or even possibly, older than me. Also, I’m a little self-conscious about the fact that I’ve been out of school for two years and I’m already afraid of looking dumb in my classes in front of my peers and professors.
But I think you are WONDERFUL. And we all have quirks and attributes we need to work on. I think I wish I was more finicky about food so I wouldn’t eat so dang much of it! Haha
The funny thing about the negative things people say about others is that it’s as much a reflection of the say-er as the say-ee. I would not give a second thought to the fact that you skip showers or tend toward vanity and/or narcissism, but it might bug me if you picked the onions out of my awesome baked ziti (giving the side-eye to my sisters-in-law right now). So just know that what other people say about you only defines you as much as it defines them!