Guess what happens next week, Internet?
That’s right!
Thanksgiving Day of Football and Feasting!
I am ready. I am pumped. I am psyched.
I am totally going to kick some Thanksgiving ass, Internet.
But my poor mother-in-law… I think she is worried.
Now, she would never say it to my face that she is concerned, Internet. But she has been doing a lot of asking if she can help.
I believe this comes from a genuine desire to help me out. She is a very nice, helpful person, after all. Plus, she is an experienced Thanksgiving Hoster.
But I am guessing – and keep in mind that this guess is coming from a bona fide control freak – that she is feeling a little anxious about not having any influence on the Thanksgiving proceedings.
“So,” you say, “let her help! Help is awesome!”
To you I say, “Wow. You don’t know me at all.”
Allow me to stress a few things about me, the Resident Control Freak:
1. I have a tiny, nay MINUSCULE kitchen. It is seriously only big enough for ONE PERSON. Believe me, I know this from experience. My husband and I have cooked/unloaded dishes/unpacked groceries in that kitchen together many times. And he is a person I don’t feel bad about yelling at/bumping into/accidentally stabbing. (KIDDING.) (Sort of.)
2. I am very, very particular about many things. I have serious, specific ideas about washing dishes, washing vegetables, and handling meat. I care about where you put a dirty dish (on the right side of the sink) and where you set a vegetable (on the left side of the sink, preferably on a cutting board) and what you put IN the sink (ONLY dirty dishes and things you intend to put down the drain). I care about which dish towel you use to dry your hands or dry your dishes. I have very strong feelings about cleaning as you go. I even have TWO scrub brushes – one for dishes that go in the dishwasher; one for dishes that are to be handwashed. Are you getting the picture? CONTROL FAH-REAK.
3. I would so much rather be stressed about Making Food than be stressed about Whether You Are Following My Thousands of Weird Rules.
In an ideal world, I want my in-laws to come over, sit in front of a football game, eat the appetizers I will have thoughtfully prepared ahead of time, and WATCH THE GAME. Or snooze. Or chat. Or read a book. Until I announce that dinner is ready.
Oh my god, Internet. Do you not feel intense sympathy for my in-laws?
In response to past episodes of my whining about this holiday, you have thoughtfully recommended that I hand over a certain side dish to my mother-in-law to make… Or that I ask her set the table… Or any number of very smart and thoughtful and practical suggestions that will make her feel needed.
And to all of them, I pooch out my lower lip and say, “NUH UH. I don’t wanna.”
This is where you roll your eyes and think, “Holy cats, lady. I would give my left kidney for a mother-in-law who is helpful/someone to help me with Thanksgiving/an excuse to boss my relatives around.”
This is where you sigh loudly at me and say, “Just LET GO a little, weirdo. It’s not going to kill you if someone else makes the mashed potatoes.”
But Internet! I want it my way. Pout, pout, foot stomp.
I want to be a good hostess. Being a good hostess means making your guests comfortable. In order to make my guests comfortable, I need to be in control. But one of my guests also wants to be in control. So I can’t make her comfortable without relinquishing control which means I won’t be able to make her (or my father-in-law) comfortable.
And then my brain explodes.
Just to see if I can sway you in my favor just a little, let me add this:
My in-laws are flying here. So any food item they contribute to Thanksgiving would have to be [a] brought on the plane (is that even possible? I mean, can you put a tray of stuffing through the security x-ray?) or [b] bought here (and seriously, HOW is something store-bought going to be as good as something homemade?) or [c] made in my kitchen, which we have previously established as Not Possible Without My Being Dead or Unconscious.
And lastly, a tiny (or not-so-tiny) part of me wants to prove to everyone – to myself, to my mother-in-law, to whomever else who remotely cares about this ridiculous drama I’ve built up for myself – that I can do it. That I CAN make Thanksgiving dinner – from scratch, start to finish, by myself – without burning down the apartment or poisoning anyone.
What is it that they say about pride goeth before the fall and whatnot?
I don’t even know if I want advice or commiseration or if I just need some assurance that we will all get through this without hating each other or throwing a pot of yams at the wall or dealing with the horror of setting a peeled potato on the right side of the sink.
But I would like your thoughts. Even if your thoughts have nothing to do with Thanksgiving at all.
(Although fair warning: I reserve the right to respond to “Sheesh, girl, just give your MIL something to do” comments with a big ol’ pout face.)
I’m with you – go for it and do it your way. (I would.)
It will be incredible.
And if it isn’t, you and your husband will inevitably have a great story to share and laugh about – forever.
Are they staying with you? If so, it might be difficult to keep her from helping. If not, ask her to bring dessert or wine – 2 things that can be bought.
I’m going to my in-laws for T-day and it’s killing me that my MIL only asked me to bring a dessert (which I will make, not buy). I’m DYING to bring an appetizer or side dish, but I will heed her request. It just makes it less “my” Thanksgiving without food I’ve lovingly prepared for my family.
From one control freak to another, I get you. But, I can understand your MIL’s need to pitch in.
Just give her something to do. Pout all you want. You are not being a good hostess if your MIL is sitting on her hands, being all uncomfortable because she is used to doing stuff. I don’t care if you have her change the sheets in the guest bedroom, be in charge of making sure the soap dispensers are full, or putting the silverware on the table, you should give her something to do.
(Not quite the same thing, but when I got married, I thought it would stress my mom out to give her stuff to do. Later on, I heard her going through the wedding album with someone and she said, as she talked about how she helped put the bouquet together, it was the only part of the wedding I helped with. She was so sad. It nearly broke my heart. Let her help.)
But please don’t pout.
Do it your way! I’m in an epic battle with my mother-in-law regarding our upcoming travel to Italy as they are paying for it, but it was my idea and I have things I want to do that they do not … I am ever thankful for her help, but I am a bit particular in ways I like to travel too 🙂 I am all for sticking to your guns and doing it your way especially since it is your house … I think you just say the kitchen is way to small – maybe you can come up with an activity for her to do (arrange flowers?) while you cook 🙂
I say do it exactly the way that YOU want to do it. I wouldn’t worry about offending anyone because ummmmmm.. it’s YOUR dinner. It sounds like you have it completely under control 🙂
I am a control freak though too… my kids know EXACTLY where to put the dirty dishes because if they land on the wrong side of the sink I lose it. (I may be creating some little cleaning monsters).
Anyway – you are going to do a great job – even if you are feeling like you are going crazy! I can’t wait to hear the whole story!!
I get that. I’m a big ol’ control freak myself. Tell her to visit with her son. That will keep her occupied. 🙂
Part of being a good hostess is also not making your guests feel uncomfortable – and for many people, just watching one person slave away and serve them can be very uncomfortable – especially if they are used to be the helper/hostess.
I am very impressed that you want to, and are definitely able to do the whole thing by yourself. But sometimes, like on big family holidays, things aren’t meant to do by yourself. 😉 It seems like you’re letting a weeeee bit of pride cause some serious discomfort for you MIL.
Enjoy the holiday for what it is – a time for friends and family to spend time together. Maybe pick out ahead of time what you might be willing to share, that way when she asks if she can help – you’re still in control, because you’re the one calling the shots.
You make me smile so hard. I seriously love this. I am very particular about this stuff too, so I totally understand. Here is the only suggestion I can think of—what if you let her prepare her stuff the day before? I don’t know when they’re flying in, but could you like put her in charge of desert and have her prepare it Wednesday, while you work/relax/freak out in the living room? That’s all I can think of, other than maybe giving her VERY specific jobs on that day. Because the bottom line is that I’m pretty sure she’s not just going to sit there all day and let you cook the whole meal. She’s going to want to help, if not insist. You have my sympathy 🙂
I could actually feel the tension you are feeling as you wrote that – you poor thing! I totally understand being a control freak in your kitchen. I want nothing more than to make Thanksgiving dinner from start to finish – by. my. self. But I’m headed home and I guess it would be a wee bit rude to take over my mom’s kitchen. I’ll do my best but I’ve already informed her which dishes I’ll be handling. (She’s my mom – she has to love me even if I’m bossy and controlling. Plus, the trait runs in our family. We’re all guilty.)
Since it’s your MIL and I definitely get the need to be more polite in that arena, maybe you could do what I do with my MIL – which is be a total coward and make my husband talk to her. Maybe your husband could explain that it’s a big deal to you to be able to prepare your first Thanksgiving dinner by yourself. He could suggest they pick up a bottle of wine once they get in town?
I’ll be honest though – if she’s a typical MIL you’re not going to be able to keep her out of the kitchen. I’d get a pitcher of mimosas ready in the fridge and if she starts cooking I’d start drinking. Good Luck!
I actually have this problem, except in reverse. I’m not allowed to do anything. It makes me think
a) gee, does she think I’ll screw it up? Why won’t she let me do anything? My feelings are kind of hurt by this, and
b) you know, this time with my family would be nicer if I could contribute and feel that my contributions are valued.
My MIL decided to show me how to cook once, but took the knife out of my hand when I was chopping vegetables, appeared visibly agitated when I was stirring the sauce wrong (!), sidled me out of the way with her hip when I was stirring the sauce and took the spoon out of my hand, and then wouldn’t let me touch anything else during the two hour cooking session. I was supposed to learn by watching from afar. Like, the doorway.
We have compromised. On holidays I bring homemade desserts, and I wash dishes.
Maybe ask her what she would like to do? Perhaps she could pick one of her favorite dishes and make it, early in the morning before you get started, or make it the day before? Go shopping, vacate the premises so you don’t see her in your kitchen. Good relations with the inlaws are important.
In this case, making your MIL comfortable means giving her something to do. She will not be comfortable doing nothing. If being a good hostess means making your MIL comfortable, then you need to give her something to do.
My mom used to give my grandma a list of non-cooking chores to do just to keep grandma busy and out of my mom’s hair. Are there things you can make up that would make her feel busy? Like ask her to sweep up the dining area? Think of some last minute things she could pick up: flowers or wine maybe? Then don’t tell her about them until that day, so she will be out of the house helping, and you will have the kitchen to yourself.
So now that I am reading the other comments, I realize I could have just written “I agree with NGS.”
I hate it when people bother me to let them help. GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN AND OUT OF MY WAY. They slow me down and then I just have to do it over again when they leave.
Give her some construction paper and have her make some handprint turkeys for decoration. Hah, there you go, mother-in-law, something for you to do.
I dated a guy once whose mother always really wanted to help in the kitchen. The problem was, I’m not sure she’d ever cooked anything besides frozen pizza and brownies from a box. I asked her once to help fix a dropped stitch in a scarf I was knitting and that kept her perfectly happy. I think people just like to feel like they’re contributing SOMETHING. I mean, being waited on is for restaurants not family dinners, you know?
Hm. That is a dilemma. I know how you feel–I hate having to watch well-intentioned helpers to make sure they’re doing things RIGHT. (aka, how I want them.)
Can they bring drinks? Also, this is kind of drastic, but if you think she really couldn’t sit comfortably without helping … maybe have your husband make them go somewhere with him? To show them a nearby place he loves or pick out a Christmas tree or something?
I am so happy to see I’m not the only control freak in my kitchen! I can not handle when I go to put up clean dishes and see they aren’t washed to my standards (we don’t have a dishwasher). If you just rinse off the soaked utensils instead of wiping them, it leaves a telltale soap film. My husband can’t figure out how I know when he hasn’t done something “correctly.”
I am super out of the loop, but this EXACT situation (minus the weird kitchen habits) is going on my life. I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year thanks to the UT football schedule, and I am a competent cook. I am thrilled to be playing hostess. I LOVE being hostess. In fact, I hope to one day be the hostess of all of our family gatherings when I have a home large enough to do so. HOWEVER. Being a completely competent cook, I really don’t need my likewise traveling in-laws to bring food with them (hello, possible food poisoning), or to just get in my way in my small kitchen. I think it’s hard for more mature women to turn over the control to a younger, lesser experienced generation. My super wonderful mother-in-law is insisting I use margarine instead of real butter. But it’s my kitchen. And I prefer real butter. I think the point of all of this is that we both live very blessed lives that issues as harmless as these are what keep us up at night 😉
I also think you should do it yourself, and use the “my kitchen’s too small” excuse. For no other reason then your own sanity. But understand that she’ll be uncomfortable not helping. Just be aware of that. And accept that if she is uncomfortable and that if you do decide that her help would be…helpful… I reserve the right to say, I told you so.
I can actually understand. I won’t be hosting holidays anytime soon, but if I was, especially my first one, I think I would want to do it all on my own as well. Especially if people were flying in. If they were just driving over, I might have them bring the appetizers so I could focus on the real food. Hopefully with enough wine and yummy food she will be entertained and will let you do your hostess0ly duties!
I can’t wait to read the follow-up story. When ever I go to my SIL’s for a holiday, she says she dosen’t want help, so I hold her to it. Although I secretly feel bad and like I should be doing something. Uh the pressure of gatherings with th in-laws. You know when it’s your family you can tell them exactly what you are thinking (well for the most part!).
I totally see why you want to put on your own Thanksgiving dinner and just do it all yourself! But I can see how your MIL might be itching to help.
I got nothing. No advice from me! But I know you’ll get through it. And then blog about it. 😉
I, too, am a control freak. I feel your pain. That is all. I have no advice or words of wisdom. I just have sympathy for you. And yes, YOU CAN DO IT! You will prove yourself right and you will sleep well Thanksgiving night.
Um, you can totally do it. Doing it your way, for the first time, is totally liberating. So I don’t think it is worth a relationship, but do have fun on this awesome day, your way!
I totally get where you are coming from. I did a homemade happy hour for some friends and although they offered to help, I just wanted to put together all myself. I wanted to do things my way and have them be impressed and enjoy the food. I had some guests bring wine and alcohol over as their contribution which turned out pretty perfect. You can do this! Give the mother-in-law a really complicated puzzle to put together 🙂
I am the SAME way when it comes to visitors. Even when it’s my parents coming to visit! I.want.to.be.in.control.
I don’t know how to fix it…because I’m dealing with it myself. I also get frustrated because on top of wanting to do it all myself I realize I don’t exactly have all the necessary material items I need to make it myself…ahhh the humanity!