I know you are uber fascinated by my Thanksgiving trials and tribulations, Internet.
First, may I say that I finally mentioned to my mother-in-law that I am going to be making the full Thanksgiving meal. I suspect she is quite worried, considering that she has never eaten a single thing I’ve cooked in the eight+ years I’ve known her.
(This is not because she refuses to eat food I’ve prepared. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever cooked anything for her or my father in law. Maybe spaghetti sauce, once, ages ago?)
(Lest you think this is strange, let me tell you that I have only cooked two things for my own parents… Onion soup for my mother and the afore-mentioned spaghetti sauce.)
(What? Spaghetti sauce was my “specialty” when I was growing up. And my little brother loved it!)
(You would love it too, Internet. My husband and I joined forces, spaghetti-sauce-wise, and we make a mean sauce.)
(Random spaghetti photo!!!!!!!!1!1!!!!!)
(Mmmmmm…. Spaghetti sauce…..)
Anyway, back to my mother-in-law…
Of course, she is far too kind to express that concern. Instead, she says lovely things like, “Give me a call if you have ANY questions.” And “I am happy to bring something, or multiple things, or help you make dinner the day of.”
I wonder if she is in the process of researching backup turkeys?
Anyway, I am in the midst of doing a pre-Thanksgiving trial run, if you will.
Since my weekends have been swallowed up by client meetings and/or laziness on my part, I now only have weekdays left on which to cook and serve Fakesgiving. Which means that I have less time to devote to preparations. So I am only cooking things that I have never cooked before, namely:
– Stuffing
– Turkey
– Gravy
– Cranberry sauce
I got started last night. The cranberry sauce, delightfully, can be made ahead of time. So I cooked that up based on this lovely recipe from the Pioneer Woman.
Now, the recipe was very easy to follow.
But I’ll let you in on a little secret.
I’m not so good with recipes.
My husband always says, “Do exactly what the recipe says.” But sometimes, the recipe leaves out important information, in which case I am FORCED to wing it.
(With me, “winging it” rarely winds up in something edible.)
For instance, the cranberry sauce recipe basically involves putting pure maple syrup, cranberries, cranberry juice, and some other juice into a pot, bringing it to a rolling boil, and then simmering it on a lower temperature until the mixture has reduced to a thick sauce.
Easy enough, no?
NO.
First of all, you’re supposed to “add in a splash (3 tablespoons or so) of orange juice. You could also do orange zest, lemon zest, lemon juice, or anything similarly citrusy.”
What does that MEAN, Internet?
I puzzled over that direction for a looooooong time.
Do you do 3 tablespoons of juice PLUS zest? Do you do 3 tablespoons of JUST zest, no juice?
And what in the name of fluffy white kittens does “or so” mean??!?!?!
Confusing, no?
Since I had a lemon, I zested it and then added in 3 tablespoons of its juice.
I took “or so” to mean “however much juice was in the lemon, which seemed approximately 3 tablespoons, give or take.”
The other direction I had trouble with was this one: “Turn the heat down to medium low and continue cooking over lower heat for about 10 minutes, or until the juice is thick.”
Internet, after 10 minutes my juice was still thin.
After 15 minutes, still thin.
After 20 minutes…
STILL THIN.
I mean, it was getting thickER…
But it was by no means THICK. And it definitely didn’t resemble the thickness of the sauce in the Pioneer Woman’s pretty photos.
The recipe was also lacking a note that if you get pure maple syrup on or near the burner, it will catch on fire.
And then, if you try to wipe off the maple syrup that spilled next to the burner, and accidentally catch the edge of your paper towel on the burner, your paper towel will also catch on fire.
Ahem.
Anyway, here is what it looks like.
The recipe made a good amount of sauce – enough to fill a jar and a small lidded glass bowl.
You can see the jar lurking there in the background.
I tasted it and it has a pleasant cranberry taste (shocker) with lots of sweetness. You can definitely taste the maple syrup though, so if that’s not your thing… then this is not your recipe.
While I was trying valiantly to get the cranberry sauce to THICKEN, DAMMIT I was doing prep work for the turkey and the stuffing.
By the way, I’m not sure if you can tell from this highly expert photo, but the sauce thickened very well. Overnight. In the jar.
Anyway, back to the turkey.
I am using a turkey recipe from America’s Test Kitchen because I got to watch the demo on TV (it’s saved in my DVR) and because it calls for turkey parts rather than a whole turkey. Which saves me from dealing with innards and gizzards and giblets.
(Guys – I don’t even touch CHICKEN on a normal basis. The less contact I have to have with a turkey, the better.)
Plus, this recipe doesn’t call for any brining. Which, let’s admit it, seems a wee bit advanced for me.
To prep for the turkey, all I had to do was cut up three onions and some celery and carrots, and halve some garlic cloves. My big qualm with that recipe is that I was supposed to use a “medium chop” for these veggies. “Medium” seems like a pretty subjective term, no?
For the stuffing, I had to prepare the bread.
I am using this delicious-sounding recipe (also from the Pioneer Woman) for two reasons:
1. I have never eaten stuffing before, and it kind of grosses me out. But this recipe sounds pretty yumster. I mean, who doesn’t like sautéed mushrooms and Italian sausage?
2. This recipe does not call for any giblets or giblet-adjacent things. Yes, yes, I am sure they are wonderful blah blah BLECH. But I am having a hard enough time thinking about touching the turkey, let alone dealing with innards.
Anyway, I had to buy a lot of bread in order to make this recipe, even though I cut the recipe in half since it’s just me and my husband at Fakesgiving this year.
It calls for two cups each of cornbread, artisan bread, and French bread.
So I cut all the bread into one-inch cubes. (Now THAT is a direction I can understand! “Medium chop” my left eye.)
Doesn’t it look pretty?
I set it all out on a cookie sheet to “sit out for several hours or overnight, until dried out” per the recipe.
But here’s where I ran into trouble again.
Because isn’t a big pan of delicious bread sitting out on my counter going to attract bugs?
So I settled for leaving it out while I cooked the cranberry sauce, and then covering it loosely with aluminum foil, and then uncovering it again this morning.
If you look closely, you can see the cornbread snuggling with the artisan bread. Or French bread. They look pretty similar, actually.
Today I am going to have to deal with the turkey. I suspect I will have to touch it at some point, which is pre-emptively activating my gag reflex.
(Don’t you wish you were coming to my Fakesgiving dinner now?)
I am also deeply concerned because the recipe calls for “skin on, bone in” turkey breasts… And the only breasts I could find had no bones.
I am guessing I will just have to watch them very closely and monitor their temperature, as they will likely cook more quickly sans bones.
But I really wish America’s Test Kitchen had included some sort of Contingency Plan in their recipe for just this sort of development.
Bottom line… cooking is confusing, Internet. It would make me feel much better if you were to leave me your biggest cooking flubs in the comments.
I doubt it would make my mother-in-law feel better though.
Perhaps I will suggest that she down a few gin-and-tonics before arriving at my apartment on Thanksgiving Day.
In my attempt to do something good for humanity I volunteered to donate and item to a bake sale for the Alzheimer’s walk. I figured that rice krispie treats would be easy and quick since I have final exams coming up and don’t have hours to be baking, nor do I enjoy it enough to spend hours doing it. Anyways here are some tips for the first time rice krispie treater:
1. LOW heat must mean really low because the marshmallows will start to brown before actually melting.
2. Do not put the just made treats in the refrigerator over night as they will be cement-like in the morning.
3. Do not try to make rice krispie treats. Just buy the pre-made ones, unwrap them and cover them in your own plastic wrap.
I love your idea of having Fakesgiving. I think it’s brilliant. And I love that you aren’t messing with an entire turkey. I once thought it would be very domestic-goddess of me to cook an entire chicken. Went to the store and picked up the cheapest “whole” chicken (med-school budget here). GAG VOMIT DIE. I had my mom on speaker phone the entire time as she told me what to do with the insides. Sure, they were in a bag but WHAT was I supposed to do with them AFTER I had them out of said chicken?! oh the terror. Now I just buy already-roasted chickens 🙂
I am very much an “or so” person when following recipes. In fact, I’d say I look at recipes only what ingredients need to be used. I really just don’t like anyone telling me what to do. Not even cookbooks.
My biggest cooking flub….hmm….there have been so many. The asian pinwheel steak recipe from Rachel Ray was probably the worst….my husband, who will eat anything to be polite, took one bite and said “I’m sorry, I can’t eat this.”
A few months ago my mother in law set the house on fire when she started frying some peppers and got distracted by the internets.
But my favorite, and I can’t remember where I saw this, since its no one I know, but someone put a canned ham in the oven to cook. And the door to the oven exploded, and there was ham on every conceivable surface, because who knew you were supposed to open the can and take the ham out?
Impressive that you’re making the stuffing from scratch. I always just use Stove Top. It takes about 5 minutes to put it together. Who can complain about that? And I think it’s delicious. Homemade is probably better, but…meh. It also takes a lot longer.
I love the cranberry sauce story. I hate recipes that want you to “simmer until thickened.” What they don’t tell you is that sometimes thickening sauce takes an eternity. Or that just cooling off the stupid sauce would thicken it faster than trying to do it on the stove. Hrmph!
Congrats on the cranberry sauce!! It looks soooo good! I also love the last comment in your post. Too funny.
My family has been making stuffing with left out bread for probably 50 years and we’ve never once had a bug problem, I promise.
Medium chop is just..medium chop. It is the kind of thing that as you cook you learn to eye, better and better.
Pioneer Woman was suggesting (me thinks) that you could use the juice OR the zest, but if you like the taste, go for both.
I’m impressed you are doing turkey parts…I think cooking a whole turkey is easier!!
I once leaked an entire cheesecake into the bottom of my oven where it caught on fire.
If you buy the Ocean Spray whole cranberries there is a very simple recipe for cranberry sauce on the back of the bag. I used that recipe the first time I made Thanksgiving dinner for my mother-in-law and it turned out really well. Of course she didn’t eat it because it didn’t have the can rings around it but she totally missed out if you ask me. Also, you can dry out your bread pieces in the oven on a super low setting (sorry I can’t be more specific about temperature) and just routinely check it’s dryness factor.
I’m sure your real Thanksgiving will turn out wonderfully, and if not, don’t stress about it; you’ll have a funny story to tell your kids.
Your stuffing looks SO good. I might have to make actual stuffing this year. Also, stuffing-wise, I occasionally leave bread out on the counter overnight, covered in a towel. No bugs have yet appeared. And all the parts of the bread that are exposed to the air get quite stale.
I think we are going to buy our turkey this year because we saw a sign at our favorite barbecue place that suggested they are selling delicious smoked turkeys that all I will have to do is heat up. So I’ll probably do one of those and a ham. I normally do two turkey breasts and a ham.
Oh, and the one time I tried to make homemade cranberry sauce, it didn’t thicken either. We ate it like soup.
I am super impressed with the prep work that you’re putting into this lady! My prep work involves making my mama swear that she will be coming over to help me make EVERYTHING. HA!
I can’t make eggs. To save my life. Omelets? Over medium? Scrambled? Nope. I burn them or break the yoke or they tear when I try to flip them. It’s terrible and makes me so angry that I can’t make this simple thing but I can make delicious homemade cheesecake and homemade cinnamon rolls, and homemade cinnamon swirl bread and all sorts of things. Eggs. I love to eat them when other, more experienced chefs than myself, make them.
Are you brining the turkey? That just means soaking it in a salt water solution. If you look on the PW site, she talks about turkey brining, too. It makes the most moist turkey ever. Just a tip.
And you can do it!
My family doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, so I’ve never eaten or made all of its infamous dishes. But then reading this post, I realized I might one day marry a man whose family does celebrate and then I might be forced to make this meal.
And then I got scared.
Hold me?
I am absolutely exhausted after reading about your adventures cooking.
I hate the turkey. I’ve only done it once. It almost drove me to vegetarianism even though I love chicken salads.
You are amazing.
I am so impressed by your prep work. This year my prep was to get myself invited to a friend’s house. Last year my prep was making reservations.
So see, you get a gold star for trying!
I got married mainly so there would be someone to foist the turkey-innard removal on. YUCK.
I don’t understand why we all think it’s a good idea to cook very hard things in ways in which we would never cook them the rest of the year, just in the name of Pilgrims and such. I admire your determination.
I am so proud of you for cooking Thanksgiving dinner AND practicing with FAKESgiving. It’s like a mini-dress rehearsal!!
Cooking isn’t my thing either. I’m extremely literal and find that recipes often have information holes that completely throw me off.
My biggest cooking catastrophe was my attempt at making homemade falafel – the recipe called for a food processor. I don’t have one, so attempted to make do with a Slap-Chop.
Totally. Not. The. Same.
Major props for you for practicing ahead of time, I think most people would wing-it or try and pass on a purchased thanksgiving meal in a box!
All those photos and talk of thanksgiving food has made me hungry!
I love your blog. You are witty and clever and a delight to read. I think your attempts at cooking are admirable. Several years ago I cooked a turkey and the silly thing split right down the middle. I called my Grandma to help me figure out what to do…her comment was, “Wow…in all my years of cooking I have never had a turkey split on me…” She told me to cut it up and cover it with gravy. Ahhh, memories!